By Stephani, 2012-06-01
Please bare with me as blogging is not my greatest talent. Opening up and expressing myself has always been something I'm not great at either. This week has been a tough one for me, so this will most likely be a venting blog. A apologize ahead of time for this blog having no point, and also for it's randomness. I have honestly debated for a long time about whether to post this or not. I ultimately decided to because I thought maybe there would be at least person that can relate.
A little back story:
In Oct. 2001 I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance (depression and severe anxiety), and hospitalized at the age of 14. I can remember every minute, hour, day, week and month that I spent there as if it were yesterday. When I was younger I always wondered why I was always so sad. I knew I was different from other kids because they were happy, and I wasn't. My whole life I have lived under a grey cloud that weighs me down everyday. When I was younger I tried to kill the sadness with drugs and alcohol. They gave me relief, but that relief was always short lived. As soon as my buzz or high wore off, there I was again back under my cloud.
I know a lot of people suffer from depression these days, but it is still a subject that is not talked about enough. A lot of times the ones who talk about it only suffer from temporary depression, or a mild form that was brought on by a sad event. They go through their depression, and then they get over it. I wish I could say it was that way for me, but unfortunately it's not. When I was diagnosed, I was given a pill and sent on my way. Back then it was shameful to take an anti-depressant. I kept my hospital stay quiet, and only my 3 best friends and close family knew about it. Other "friends" from school were told many different stories, but no one knew for sure what was going on.
It took a few different pills to get the right fit for me, but after a couple months it was helping. This may sound strange to those who don't suffer from depression or anxiety, but I finally had a grip of what it felt like to be "normal". When I say normal I don't mean what society calls normal, I mean normal as in I finally felt like I should've felt my whole life. Happy. My cloud was gone, only rarely would it trail far behind me. I could finally interact with my friends and classmate like a happy teenager would. Every time I would spent time with my sister she would ask me who took her sister and replaced her with this talkative, hyper person. I wanted to do things with my friends. I wanted to draw, and listen to music. I didn't have to wake up everyday and put on my "plastic Stephani" and pretend I could function. I could actually do it, and I wanted to!
Unfortunately though, along with all that happy, I still had shame bottled up deep inside. Shame from having to take a pill in order to function like every other person. In my mind, no one I knew had to take a pill to make them happy, they could be happy on their own. Why did I have to take this stupid pill just to feel normal? I was angry. I was angry at a lot of different things. We all have things from our childhood that aren't such happy things, but I held on to mine for far too long.
When I started my pills, I was told by the Dr. that I would be on them for the rest the of my life. Most people who need anti-depressants are only prescribed them for a relatively short period of time. I stopped taking my pills about a year after I was diagnosed. My Dr, was not happy with me at all, and to this day still checks on me through family (he's been our family Dr. for longer then I've been alive).
My life since going off my pills has been a roller coaster of crazy. After I stopped the medicine I started hanging with the wrong crowd and I got involved in things I knew nothing about. Things got pretty bad for a while, and I kind of spiraled out of control until about late 2005. I was at a bar (under aged) and I fell and completely shattered every ligament in my right ankle. Because I was put in a HUGE boot and on crutches for 8 months I had to move back in with my mom. Looking back, tearing my ankle all to pieces saved my life. I was on a crash course to nowhere fast, and the train was about to derail. During my time isolated on my mom's sofa is when I met my husband. He was the best thing that could have happened to me, and in the first year we spent together my depression never showed it's ugly head.
I told you all of that, to tell you this... In the 6 and half years that I have spent with my husband, he has never had the chance to experience how happy I truly can be. He's never seen the person I am with the help of my medicine. My cloud is back, and it's in full force.
My depression is probably worse then it's ever been. I have gotten great at hiding it, but it's truly getting harder every day. I'm kind of lost and drowning in my thoughts every day. I will never revert back to drugs, or my old lifestyle. But, I'm more so going in the other direction now. I'm becoming a complete hermit, I don't ever want to leave my house, and the only reason that I really do is because I have to work. Even going to work is becoming a challenge. I LOVE what I do, but my depression is doing what it does best. It's so great at making me not give a shit about anything.
My Mom wants me to get back on my med's, and in my heart I know that is what I should do for own sanity, but still I'm conflicted. I have all these thoughts jumbled in my head and I can't express them. I just feel so frustrated and sad.
I honestly have no idea where this blog is going, or why I'm even writing it. I don't talk to many people about my depression, because most don't understand it, but I guess it's nice to just get it out regardless if anyone reads it or not. I wish I knew how to express myself better.
By Outoftheloop, 2012-05-31
After a month I just cut my hair at the spur of the moment.
Didn't have too much of a reason to cut them besides my job and people looking at me like I'm strange, I guess I just don't live in a place where I can have(developing) dreads...next to all this, I'm a shitty care taker anyway so...I don't feel I've lost anything, anyway, they'll grow back and Ill try again.
In the mean time I need a girlfriend -____-
By SarahSuffocate, 2012-05-31
So.. I've wanted dreads for 2 and a half years. I finally decided to do it after I graduated highschool. The only websites I had found were dreadheadhq and knottyboys, or websites only suggesting the "neglect" method. Which was not for me. So I bought a kit from dreadheadhq and I recieved it today.
First of all I would like to state that when I opened it there was white powder all over the box which I'm guessing was the "locka pepper" which was really gross and everything else was coated with it.
I do believe that I had reseached all sorts of things and I am sad that I never came across this site. damn you google!!! But anyway... Today after recieving the package I decided to look up if consumers prefered dreadheadhq or knotty boys. and what do I find????
WORST STUFF FOR YOU! WAX IS BAD! THIS STUFF RUINED MY DREADS!!!
And my heart sank... I spent 80 dollars on a stupid kit and some "dreadhead butter" And I will end up only getting 50 or 60 dollars back... But I was so happy that I came across this before I put the terrible stuff into my hair and ruin my dread experience.
I've decided to do the "twist and rip" method and my friends are going to help. My mom works in the area of essiential oils and such so i can do this so much more naturally.... I cant even begin to explain how happy I am that I stumbled upon this before it was to late....
I also warned my friend to stay away from those terrible people since he plans to get dreads soon too as well....
THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!
By Hiba J, 2012-05-31
Hey! I'm kinda new to this whole dread thing. I've been interested in dreads for a long time but a few days ago I had a really strong urge to get dreads. So I googled and youtubed about people who had dreads and about how they got their dreads
Some people had extension, which I think defeats the whole purpose. I really dislike extension but that's just my opinion. Other's used backcombing and a crochet hook (which is the first thing I tried cos I thought it'd be the easiest) and then I found twist and rip (which at first I found impossible to do but now it's deffo the easiest)...and then I came across this girl who was ranting about her dreads being natural...:P - I didnt realise at first that people did actually just let their hair dread by itself. I thought this girl was one of a kind, so to speak.
Anyhoooss...that night I stay up until almost midnight watching videos and researching about dreadlocks. I told my mum I wanted dreadlocks and she told me I wasnt allowed them. I went ahead with it anyway. And (on I think it was the 25th of May) at midnight, after I had showered, I started creating my first dread! I backcombed, twist and palmrolled, for about an hour, before I got too tired. So I went to sleep and woke up with a tangled little lump at the top of my dread-to-be. I untangled it, watched more videos and crocheted for a good half hour, at least. I then tied a hairband around the topwhich I then replaced with a rubber band (I know, I know theyre bad for your dreads but I wasnt aware at the time. In fact, I thought they were necessary). After trying to make a second dread using that method, I gave up and tried twist and rip which I found so much easier! That day I made 5 but took one out because it was loose at the roots (I now regret it!)
The next day I made another one, but took that one out the next day as well. So I was then left with 4again. I now have 6! J For two or three days I tried maintaining it with a crochet hook but I gave up because it took too much timeand I was crap at doing it anyway - Ive also lost two of my mums crochet hooks and Im not looking forward to when she find out! xD
[So, lets end this! Phew, wasnt meaning for this to be so long!]
I keep thinking about going 'natural' and just neglecting my hair (which I have been doing, I havent been brushing or conditioning) but then I get too tempted and started making some - it's just so easy! ~sit at computer; twist, rip, twist, rip. Bored, have nothing to do; twist, rip, twist, rip~ xD
And I'm not sure whether Im going to do my whole head, because, Im not gonna lie, I like my hair and I have an over grown fringe and a top layer, then longer bits. My hair's not even eitherhalf of my head has more hair than the other (dont ask what style I got - God know). So I'm thinking Ill just dread the longer bits...but I cant even 'section' it...I find it too difficult. I dunno, well see how it goes. xD
Tell me what you think!
That is all for now! Thank you for this website, its very useful!
By Cristopher Darscel Revis, 2012-05-31
I'm new to the site. I've only had my dreads for about 3 weeks. I was told today that retwisting isn't the greatest thing to do so i'm going to let it happen naturally. So my question is do i need to sleep with something over my dreads even if i'm forming them naturally?
By Dee4, 2012-05-31
I removed rubber bands today and feel more liberated. My dreadies are going to be two months in a few days think I am going to celebrate and take them out for a day at the beach .. My hair is a total mess but, its part of being a dread head. I love em more and more as the days progress (okthat is not the wholetruth) some days, I want to just take em out because they are so unmanagablebut,Ilet themrest on a tamforthe day and they soon calm down and do not rebel against me.My dreads vary in size from small to large I wanted them that way. I have noticed that two of them have been out growing the rest. I was told that palm rolling is not good but can't kick the habit. No more wax in these babies no more rubber bands and am still looking around for some good shampoo. Also I would like to find inexpensive beads or peyote slip thingies would like to decorate them but not go over board with them.
Pics coming soon so stay tuned.
By Breana, 2012-05-30
By Elizabeth2, 2012-05-29
So it's day 10 of no brushing and no washing, Complete neglect of my hair and I've gotten no where.
My hair is just so straight, So flat and so thin it's just not knotting.
I'd normally be pretty happy about this because I hated brushing out knots lol
Any insight on how to get my hair knotty? Do's and don'ts?
Sure it's got a few knots, But they're just straggly loose knots that don't look like they will be doing much.
It looks good in a hair wrap but not what I want
By Viktorija, 2012-05-27
Okay, so I just finished my dreads yesterday I started them on the 20th...ummmm I think they look pretty good for being so young! lol. However, I used the twist & rip method and my roots are really loose, I'm not worried about them (they should tighten up, right?) but how bad do they need to be before you start worrying about it? If anyone can help it'd be much appreciated. I REALLY love not having to brush my hair anymore, I've hated it ever since I was a kid, but I've always loved having long hair too, dreadlocks seem to be the perfect resolution!
So I figure I'll keep posting pictures every few weeks and really track my dreadlocks progress on here.I read the forums while I was making my dreads, and everyone on here seems really helpful so I'm looking forward to meeting all of you too!
By Kuguru, 2012-05-27
People I know call me 'extreme' and classify me an extremist for going full vegan instead of vegeterian, ovo-, pesci-, whatever. If you understand and internalize the rationale behind going vegeterian, why half-step and still munch on fish, eggs, milk, etc?? That doesn't make sense to me. Maybe all or nothing at all is extreme, but that means slave-owners would have been rational in keeping slaves "only for dangerous jobs", etc....other than the extremist, all-or-nothing abolition. Why half-ass it? In somethings, moderation is good, in others not so much. How would you like your spouse or partner abusing you just a little? In the same sense, after viewing all the pain, cruelty and inanimal (since they're not humans) things we do to animals in the pursuit of agribusiness, animal husbandry and CAFO....why should a cow be pregnant every year for her whole life to give you milk? Many people I know, and I assume in the rest of the world, always forget that cows don't just lactate cuz they want to, like to, cuz its fun, or cuz that's just what cows do...they need to be preggers.... chickens too to give you them awesome not-chicken eggs....which if they were allowed to incubate, would indeed become chickens eventually. Don't fish have feelings?
All that's needed to be sentient is a backbone that is connected by a nervous system to a brain, however small and however miniscule. Anything with a face almost certainly will have a nervous system, a brain and a spinal cord, or an exoskeleton ( an outside skeleton vs the one in your back and connecting your limbs and protecting your inner organs...). A beetle has a face, a brain, a nervous system and an exoskeleton. Do you know how I know that this beetle wants to live? If it sees my hand reaching out to grab it, it will run away. If it doesn't think I pose a threat to it and does get on my hand, and I proceed to try and crush it, it most likely won't lay there dormant and loving it...it will fight for life. Most animals fight for life, for their right to live. This is why arguing that not eating beef or dog or horse makes sense, while eating fish & eggs, and drinking milk. I might go a step further and argue for honey, produced by bees for them to eat that humans steal, or 'harvest'...and I avoid it all together. Most health arguments against veganism [Vitamin B, protein, etc] have been dispelled, and I err on the side of caution with a (vegan) multivitamin, extra Vit B, zinc and the occasional protein shake, but if you eat a balanced, whole food diet, repeat, balanced (fruit, vegetables, nuts and tubers, grain, occasional junk if need be : ?) and whole food (highly processed soy pizza with daiya cheese etc isn't healthy either), going vegan is as natural as it gets.
In addition to the loudly touted evils of CAFO and agribusiness, as well as the false advertising such as "happy cows in california" (that love getting raped in a rape rack with a long syringe for artificial insemination and their babies taken away for veal or to suffer the same fate - they're happy alright), green, range or free-range farming, etc, all these belie the fact that humans don't seem to be made to be carnivorous much less steady omnivorous. Here's a condensed webbie that has some comparisons ( http://michaelbluejay.com/veg/natural.html) but there are dozens others and books...but we share more in common anatomically with Mr Ed than Mufasa. Being a veggie or a herbivore is not lame, don't you think a horse is one of the most muscular things you'll see in the next eighty years...look at cows, bulls, antelope, buffalo, etc....of course they don't have the HFCS and fat-n-salt diet humans and their companion animals (pets) have...which is why you have obese cats and dogs now....humans are really a virus and a scourge on this earth much like Smith, the agent, in the Matrix movie said in his monologue with Morpheus (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Na9-jV_OJI). Veggie is fuel. Drinking cows milk, that is meant to wean baby calf of the placenta feeding and make them fat to weather the first few years of their lives are not healthy for a human being...otherwise, we would be drinking our mom's milk from birthonward, why then do we think to drink another species' milk for the rest of our lives? That's like a grown-ass lion suckling on a gazelle's boobs, yummy.
If we were meant to eat meat, we would be able to eat it raw without it making it sick. It would smell awesome. Road kill would be fought for as a delicacy, after all, fresh meat for free!! But its not, and the thought of eating raw hamburger right from the meat rack or biting a chicken's leg before its been cooked and overcooked, literally makes my belly turn.Which is why some house pets hate cooked meat, but will eat it raw. There are exceptions obviously, and household animals can be trained to do a lot of stuff and change a lot of behavior.
Thirdly, all this food is killing us, or at the very best, making us sick Heart disease, cholesterol, clogged blood vessels, irritable bowel syndrome, obesity-related illnesses, introducing (new) strains of viruses and bacteria, etc. And it's still healthy for us? True, eating only fruit would probably make you gain weight from high sugar levels, etc, but who does that? In a balanced diet, fruit has its niche as a tasty snack and a pick me up. Why would I eat a disease? Why would I take anti-cholesterol medicine and then enjoy an omelette, a juicy steak for lunch, and pork chops for dinner? Just save your money and enjoy the bad food....why smoke to congratulate yourself for improving on your jogging time? Let food be thy medicine, and medicine be thy food, said Hippocrates, father of modern medicine. Just because something is in our culture, doesn't make it unchangeable, or give it eternal tenure. To cite a past example, slavery or oppression against groups, etc.
Your palate and taste will change with time. I have been vegan for the past six months and I am getting used to some things, and missing some things. I miss pizza so much! I could go for a steak any day. I used to live on breakfast sausages and scrambled eggs, for all three meals. But at some point, one needs to evolve once new evidence is presented. If I told you spitting in your palms and rubbing it vigorously while singing Abba would make your dreads grow longer and faster and kinkier and stickier than ever, if I could present an airtight case, with verifiable facts, etc, wouldn't you be spitting and singing "Karma Chameleon"? (Of course, your dreads would not grow, cuz that ain't Abba.
Anyway, try it. Maybe one day a month, maybe one day a week, maybe work days or weekends only. My final proof (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ&feature=related). Haha, gross. The Abba mention threw me on an 80's tangent.
If it has a face, don't eat it. If it breathes, or walks, or swims or flies, don't kill it for pleasure or as an unneeded food source. You can get your protein elsewhere. Not I, or any one else, can tell you what to eat or dictate your food ethics. However, given a set of facts to contrast and compare, as a mature, thinking individual, one should come to some guilt-free middle ground on matters that directly affect us, e.g. what we eat, whom we vote for, whether climate change is real, etc.
Sorry for the long read.