Long Emotional rant, not 100% dread related.

If you want to avoid the non thought provoking part of this, skip down to the line I made. (This is really long, and not really "dread" related, outside from this journey is what is allowing me to re-attach to my spiritual side. Or at least provoking greater growth I had never fully disconnected. But with every new milestone, every time my soul grows in passion, my life grows twice as much in difficulty. I am aware, evil takes its ugliest form, at the times you become the most positive, as to try and break your spirit and keep you from finding a better path, to make being a loving caring person seem like a negative thing.)

So as I question my future, with the uncertainty if I will be able to keep up with this society, or if I will have to force myself to go to jail, just to have somewhere to rest my head at night. I also like to rant about the currently folkery of the average American person.

I know, no one here gives 2 craps about me, or how I feel about life. But oh well, odds are I won't be alive, or at least I wont have the ability to access the internet here in the up coming months. Only time will tell.

Looking back, there are some people whom I wish I didn't let off easy. People who I wish I would have punished, be it death, or a non fatal bullet wound. Honestly, sometimes I feel like the wrath of god, is the only way to break people out of the way they think today. Like you have to break someone down to the point of begging for mercy in order for them to be humble. (That might sound weird, but having used to retaliate with drive bye shootings etc. Its hard for me to accept the instances where I had grown soft, and let someone get away with robbing me with no retaliation, because I let my emotions get in the way.)

_________________________________________________________________________

I wish I was the type of person who could put my own luxuries over other peoples necessities. If I could order Chinese food twice a week, go to the barber shop whenever I wanted to, and still be able to tell my old friends I'm struggling to bad to be able to spend time with you guys, or to help you out when you need it.

I wish I was the type of person, who could replace real friendships, with the average everyday work relationship, and create the illusion for myself that the people around me actually care about me.

I wish I could accept grimey people, as my best friends, while throwing away the people who actually care about me, just because they are who is currently around the most. While over looking their selfishness.

I don't know why I can't be as shallow as the average person, I'd be much happier that way.

Its a cold hard life when you don't live in the fairy tale of your own imagination, and you don't decide how you feel based on what the easy way out is.

Its weird when, you let someone you don't really like get away with something you should have killed them for, out of respect for someone who you do care abouts feelings, yet that situation creates a breaking point in the relationship, where your 'friend' decides, it would be easier to walk over you such as he see's other people do, when they start to view you as a push over, just because out of respect for them you stayed silent on a certain issue.

I'm pretty sure, even white lies won't help anyone when judgement comes. If your unable to be honest and realistic, I'm not sure where you might end up. People need some serious meditation, I fail to see how the human race could have devolved to people who are lacking of love and emotion, who's cellphones mean more to them then friends. Babies quit being an object of effection and love, and become a tool to use as an extension of yourself, who only really cares about showing other people what you got. (Don't get me wrong, Its 100% ok to try to make your kid superfly and show them off. The statement is deeper then that)

These are things that all of us deal with, but only some of us care about and try to change. It saddens me to see the lack of caring and spirituality in people these days, I guess we all could blame the world for causing the disconnect, but how much value does that really hold?

Can you really say "Oh well I went through some bad things!." so its ok for me to not really care about anyone else outside of surface value or what they can bring to the table today.

Even if I don't make it, even if I died tomorrow homeless huddled under a bridge of starvation. I still feel like I am 100 times more of a man then you superficial material people who make $800 a week, and don't really care about anything besides yourself.

Also, I have been on both sides of the fence. I have severed several relationships with people I shouldn't have, just because it was less of a convienence to try to hold on. I have turned my back on or pushed myself away from many people who love me,and would still love me to this day had I not distanced myself.

Can I honestly blame my dads death and emotional spiral in to 'forcing' me to do this, NO. And even if I was going to try to blame that, its not ok to continue on living that way. It was never 'OK' for me to sever ties with family, to avoid family completely so I wouldn't have to think about my life, or my old memories, because you know what. I was still holding on to 'friendships' I was still surrounded by 'friends' who's numbers got suprisingly 'thin' as my pockets became less able to support the group...

I am guilty of all the things listed above, throwing away the people who DO love me, because it was easier to keep around the people who I saw everyday, and pretended to be my friends. I don't want to influence anyone to change, I don't want to pretend to be perfect or exempt from these curses of materialism myself. All I want to do is acknowledge them, and them make the necessary changes to better myself. And you know what, I CAN DO THAT, BECAUSE IM NOT SET ON PRETENDING IM PERFECT AND TRYING TO IMPRESS EVERYONE ELSE. I CAN ACCEPT MY FLAWS, I CAN SHOW THEM TO OTHER PEOPLE, HELL, OTHER PEOPLE CAN TELL ME SOMETHING I AM DOING WRONG WITHOUT ME SAYING "OMG YOU DONT THINK IM PERFECT FUCK YOU!!!"

I know this holds little to no relevance to everyone on this website. And some things I said may be contraversial, especially the ones that touch on how I used to conduct my own life. May make me seem bad or evil myself, but I never really had I'll intentions, ever. I never wanted to be the best, to reach a plateu beyond everyone else...That was never my motivation, even in my darkest times, when I may have been committing 'evil acts'

In those times, I honestly felt like I was sacrificing my own pureness, like I was damning myself to hell if you would, through my actions, in order to put food on the table for other people. I was able to scapegoat myself a reason to do the things I used to do.

And as soon as I quit risking my life needlessly for other people. They all disappeared. Being just 'Me' wasn't good enough for people to want to maintain a relationship with me.

updated by @rude-bwoy: 02/14/15 10:00:25AM

wow ok that was unexpected and intence and well i know its not directly related in any way but wanteds to share a few things from my life

id always had nothing..since the age of 14 in fact 15-18 about i went nearly 3 years with the same 18 cents in my pocket and just didnt bother with money at all

over the years ive had everything i owned stolen multiple times..once having every cent i had stolen by someone who i kept alive for 3 or 4 years (she literaly would have died around 25 times during that tui=ime )

but who cares yea it was upsetting for a short time but whu should that change things?

when i had money every time i spent it id seperate the quarters out of the change (since at the time they were usefull for phone calks and lasundrey) and scattered the pennies nickles and dimes on the street or left them in phone booths where i knew desperate people might look

many years ago i did a program with gangs ..rival gangs members that changed alot of lives but what i found was joining the gangs was just a way to have "guaranteed friends" on mean streets where youd end up dead (or at least taken advantage of) if you didnt have a crew to watch your back so often it was a fear..not of being alone exactly but of not being safe on your own

then once your in that life true friends..family ..people who care and arent just scared (wich later can be replaced with other things that gang lifestyle provides beyond safety (drugs money etc) your real friends are pushed away..scared away by your behavior..and the fearsome front you put on to seem hard ..cold.. dangerouse causes those around you you would e able to trust and care about to run from you in fear

kindness generosity caring these are not weaknesses

its not a weakness to reach out to your family for a helping hand either

and as an alternative to jail there are programs out there to help you turn your life around too

--
My new book Ban The Taboo Vol 1

Well, beyond anything else. I greatly appreciate your response and see the value in the words of your response. I also, can relate to that life, and those decisions whole heartedly, because money never held value to me beyond survival and making other people happy.

I honestly view my future to be similar to the past you just mentioned, my main uncertainty, is can I survive a freezing cold winter living in the woods, with little to no previous survival knowledge.

I didn't really need a program. I turned my life around on my own. It just didn't work for me, I was a stay at home, dad for 3 or so years, after leaving my insane childrens mother. I was only able to see them on weekends.

Swiftly, and abruptely without notice, their mom mysteriously disappeared. I had no number, no address, no anything.

Initially I thought, the child support stuff would work it all out. I would get my visitation of my kids, which is all I really cared about. However, she was allowed to decline mediation of this situation, and I was backed in to this corner of 'You cant file for REAL court ordered visitation without an address, and its illegal for us to give it to you" regardless of the fact, they have no problem sending her my money, they refuse to send her visitation paper work. The reason I bring this up is because of the following.

Come from a long life of criminal activity, I never really saw a place for me amongst the working class. However, the situation above, spiraled me in to an aggressive goal oriented mode, where I strived my best to achieve a position where I could live comfortably.

Needless to say, I worked my way up to an 18$ an hour position, basically managing a warehouse, more money then I would have ever thought I could make legally. I saw hope, I saw acceptance, I thought even though my soul would suffer conforming to the slavery we call american society, I would be able to afford a lawyer, and get to see my kids again, and set a positive image for them to follow.

This is where the system had worked its hands so far around my throat, there was really no hope in breathing.

In my typical 40 hour work week, making 18 $ an hour...I would bring in roughly 100$ a week...100$...Of course at least half of that is going to go gas and food...It just didn't leave room to save money for a lawyer, to have a house payment, to have car insurance, etc.

I'll touch more on it in a second, someone is yelling at me to come help them with somethin so I gotta cut my reply short temportarily.

Needlesss to say I have almost given up.

ok so your saying all your works amounting to nothing and your 1 goal to pay for a lawyers not happening so..your giving up the house but still working to get the lawyer?

better option maybe

rent a roonm in a house 200 a month vs 1100

take a bus isnstead of drive..or..bike

move closer to the job and walk or bike to work

if your giving up the job too head to florida to the ocala gathering its not the best gathering but would still be good for ya then you can find oppl to travel with till winters over

or

work a second job even if its just part time weekends use the 1st job for living expenses the 2nd job every paycheck goes into a lawyer fund that doesnt get touched no matter how desperate

--
My new book Ban The Taboo Vol 1

Yeah basically is what I am saying. In the course of 2 years, while paying someone gas money to get back and fourth to work, I MAYBE was able to save at best $700. Which I invested in a time senstive project I was hoping would help me out, with the undersatnding I had around a year to find success, and that was quickly cut down to "Oh now you have till febuary"

My living conditions, come down to.

When me and the mother of my children seperated, I came to stay with my immediate family temporarily, because it was close to my job. (Close enough I could, can, or rather DID walk on a regular basis.)

My family is moving away, and I am not able to go with them. More so a kicked to the curb, we know your trying your best but tired of supporting you type deal.

At any rate, this had lead me to quit my job see'ing as it wasn't benefitial to me at all. (I dont currently drive, my $20,000 car blew up. And my license got suspended during about a 2month lay off period at work for not being able to pay child support at all during this time.)

Honestly, the florida thing sounds more realistic to me then working 2 jobs. As bad as it sounds to say that, I can't fathom the idea of working 20 hours a day, and only living 4. This is my definition of slavery, and I have a really hard time bending over and taking Uncle Sams punishment. It was only when my will was completely broken that I even accepted working my ass off daily for nothing as a realistic way to live. Only to find out, that doesn't work for me anyways.

At this point, I don't know if there is a solution, or if I am even looking for one. I thought I had came to peace with the fact that I would probably never get to see the only thing that gave me a reason to live or love myself again (My children.) the soul reason I left behind my previous lifestyle. I had to come to realization that my time here may be growing close to over.

I'm not really sure if my initial post was me needing a safe place to vent among humble non-judgemental people, if it was a cry for a help, a scream for attention, or if it was my final goodbye suicide type deal.

I honestly felt like I had/have developed a concious enough state to deal with all of this and keep it in perspective, but as the time grows closer I am reaching this confused 'out of place' state of mind probably illustrated in everything I am writing currently.

I am not really very fond of the idea of freezing to death in the woods, huddled up near a pile of my own poop trying to use it to stay warm while its still fresh...(Lmao)

well going to fl will save your life give you a whole new perspecyive so i would definately do that..as for the children theres no reason to give yp hope but it will take some buckling down and saving all your able..wich means finding a job any job maybe self employed? but besides a job youd also have to show the court you have a stablew living environment..a place of your own where youve stayed over a year

these type cases can drag on and can really vbe a strain on you but its worth it in the end

so heres my suggestion

the gathering in fl for now then follow the rainm bow trail till sproing when u get a job and a place to live settl;ing in working hard and committing the next few years to that 1 goal

--
My new book Ban The Taboo Vol 1

Thanks for all the advice. (Sorry this reply is hastily wrote.)

I will get a hold of you here shortly to try and grab some more information about that FL thing.

Peace brother. I certainly don't judge you, period. All I can do is wish you well, peacefulness and blessings brother.

I can't give you any advice, because I've never been close to the stuff you've gone through or are going through, so I apologise for that. But I want to say, please don't make the mistake of thinking no-one here cares just because they don't know you personally. I care that people are suffering even if I don't know them, I wish everyone happiness. That being said, do all that you can do to ensure you don't die, because your children no doubt love you and would benefit from having you in their lives. It's hard to balance making an honest living and not 'selling your soul,' but I truly hope that you do find that balance and find some way of supporting yourself and those you love financially as well as emotionally. And you deserve it, because I know it's a huge thing to step out of previous circumstances and try to turn your life around from doing things that were bad. It doesn't make you evil, though, you just have to strive towards being the best person you can be, and letting go of any past quarrels or hatred in order to better embrace any love or comfort you have to give or receive.

Again, I hope with all my being that you find a way through your troubles, and I hope you don't give up, because I know you have the strength to work through these tough times. Much love and respect to you.

Thanks maine. Oh cool I found out how to quote.

Tim said:

Peace brother. I certainly don't judge you, period. All I can do is wish you well, peacefulness and blessings brother.