To dread or not to dread. I can't say that it was a struggle to make that decision. I've been exposed to dreadlocks, not through any media outlet, but through family and friends. So the decision to dread was a somewhat easy one for me. The how, however, was a more difficult decision. I did all the research I could, asked for advice from current dreadheads, contemplated and thought through my decision. I wanted whatever I chose to be something I was both comfortable with and would stick with.

I chose TnR, because for me, for my hair-type, that method made the most sense. It was, I felt, something I could easily stick with. Even today, three days later, I do not regret my decision. I have found the path for me and I am more than content with my choice.

When I first did it, I wasn't capable of voicing my reasons; it was something my heart understood but which my brain could not adequately convey with words. I contemplated and meditated upon this for three days before attempting this blog. I wanted it to be a heartfelt look into my journey, for myself. Maybe for someone else who has made the decision I did, to dread, for their own personal journey. I have always been good at writing, at conveying words into written -- or typed -- form; this, moreso than pictures which do not adequately convey the inner workings of one on a journey such as I am on, was the most appropriate way to share my journey with others, to record it for posterity's sake.

My reason to dread is really a simple one; I wanted to display an outward change which both kept pace with and reflected the inner change within myself, as a person. As my dreads mature, I hope, so too will I.

I have not always been a good person. I have not always been a kind person. I have never been happy, content with myself, with my life. I have not always been compassionate towards my fellow Man. I have not always been without undue judgement. I have not always had kinds words to say to one who needed them. I have not always had hope, had joy, had faith. I am as vastly imperfect as every other human being, and yet my imperfections were tearing me apart. I did not want to exist. I did not want to continue living. I have tried in the past to stop living. I consider myself lucky, today, that those attempts failed.

My journey, both to dread and inwardly, is to change myself for the better. To find those things that I don't like, to cause change in them, to become the person I want to be, to become the person I want others to see. It's not an easy process. I struggle everyday, with choices, with words... I struggle to feel, to think before speaking. I don't always succeed. Sometimes I fail. I struggle to not let my failures tear me apart, take my faith, destroy my sense of self-worth. I struggle with my patience, both to see the changes inward taking hold.. and now to see my dreads mature as I hope -I- am maturing inside.

I hope that one day I can finally find that person inside whom I've been looking for, striving to become. Just as one day I hope that my dreadlocks will be beautiful, unique. Like I am.

This is a little heavy-handed of a blog, so I think it's time to end it here before anyone who happens to read this decides that I am being disingenuous. This was also a bit hard to write; I'm not really good with bearing my soul to absolute strangers. Be patient with me, I'm still learning and still growing. Just like my dreads are.