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Nixxi

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Location: Mineola, NY
Zipcode: 11501
Country: US

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I think I'm morphing into an upside-down plant of some sort.

2013-01-22
By: Nixxi
Posted in:

MAJOR SHRINKAGE. The loops...the loops!

The boyfriend is not being very encouraging. I've been on this journey for over a year and my dreads "don't look like dreads, go get them done so they look good, it's just a hairstyle." Blahblahblah. They looked good in the beginning with the backcombing and the palm rolling and the so-called maintenance, which, sorry to say, is total bullshit. They were fauxlocks, pseudolocks. But now this is real. They're tight as fuck though towards the top- so they're definitely growing in right. So the beginnings of my newly growing in dreadies are good and tight and round, but towards the bottom... not so much. Why are they so flat and somewhat stiff? Perhaps they are too dry? Maybe it was the fucked-up-ness of the backcombing in the beginning? Or should I *gasp* start palm rolling again? Or ACV rinses? Or maybe just more patience.

I find myself incredibly jealous of people who've been dreading for less time than I and have "better" locks. I feel like I've invested so much time to achieve what? Flattened loops, beaver tails, loose hairs... all sorts of madness.

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely NOT thinking about cutting them, even though I'm constantly encouraged to... "You were so pretty with your nice long hair!" "I got a bottle of conditioner and a brush for you, giggle giggle." "What happened to your hair?" "Where did your dreadlocks go?" IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. But I don't. I patiently explain, over and over and over. I'm tired of explaining. Yet I continue to explain, and answer questions, and yes I wash my hair, and yes you can touch them, wax is bad, natural is good, talk to me in another year or two and see how they look then [motherfucker]!

So is it a coincidence that I'm most dissatisfied with my dreadlocks at the same time I'm most dissatisfied with myself? There's an interesting parallel here. I worked so hard, waited so long... all for what? I kicked heroin for fucking what? To be homeless? Homeless and not on drugs? (It was easy to sleep outside when the needle kept me warm. It was easy not to care.) And the jealousy! There's a phrase from certain blue book- "Are we judging our insides by the outsides of others?" Yes, yes I fucking am. I mean, at least now I have some friends, people who have opened their homes to me, for which I'm eternally grateful. I haven't had to sleep outside. Still...the lack of stability, my own apathy, my sense of worthlessness, my plain bad luck. Now I have to feel this instead of blindly stumbling around searching for some sense of comfort.

Nothing to do but walk through the pain and discomfort of my slow-maturing locks and my slow-maturing self, to hope that we'll be okay, and to hope for some strength on the other side.

Some people don't understand... this way more than just a hairstyle.

Nixxi
01/25/13 12:43:58AM @nixxi:

Thanks Mons! It definitely sucks at times ... but it's worth it. An old friend told me, before my addiction took off even, that the good always outweighs the bad in the end because love outweighs everything. That's so cool though, being supportive of your husband and all, he's lucky. Lots of people don't have any kind of support from their families and it can be tough for them. And I got clean on my own, but I'll use the term "momdated" (Get it? Momdated? Mandated? Lawl.) Thanks again :]

Yes Marquis, you make perfect sense. It's always one day at a time. Honesty is what I do yo. All about the reference points!!! Congrats on getting clean! How much time you got?


Mons
01/23/13 10:00:18PM @mons:
I *watched* him struggle and he was 40 when HE got clean. Effing phone!

Mons
01/23/13 09:56:33PM @mons:
Can I just say how awesome I think you guys are? I etched my husband struggle for years with addiction. He was 40 when I finally got clean. I have the utmost respect for anyone who gets clean, especially young people. (Said in my very best granny voice lol) There is so much shit you have to deal with and unfortunately a lot of young adults have not been taught or encouraged to think for themselves or given the tools to deal with certain (most) situations. To be strong enough to get clean just amazes me. Whether it's court ordered or on your own, it's awesome.Nixxi, congratulations on 15 months!! If I lived on the east coast I would definitely come cheer you on when you get your 18 month tag! And you're anonymity is good, we don't know your last name lol

Marq Mutant
01/23/13 09:41:43PM @marq-mutant:

1st off THANK U for being honest and i kicked Heroin to and feel like i'm doing worse now and u no what even if thats so at least were not being controlled by a substance u no i think how much easier it was when i was on drugs but it wasn't easier not at all i just couldn't see everything that was going wrong u just gotta take it slow 1 day at a time I don't no maybe I don't no what im talking about but i do no ive seen and been threw a lot and feel i'm a better person for it u shoulkd to


Nixxi
01/23/13 09:38:03PM @nixxi:

Ohmygoodness. Thanks everyone :]

Yes meetings definitely help, I've been in recovery for over 15 months, started dreading when I had maybe a month or two clean. My locks are an extension of myself and my recovery, and give me a sort of tangible version of the spiritual principles. I've been very involved with the fellowship in my area. There goes my anonymity, but fuck it NA saved my life.

I've explained to my boyfriend about my journey and what my dreadlocks mean to me and everything, and why the natural-route is better in the long run. I think he understands a bit more than he did, at the very least. Also I just feel infinitely better today because I finally got a mother effing job!

Mons, that's a great idea about the pictures! Maybe I'll show him some of the kinds of ones you mentioned. And like I said... fuck yeah meetings :] Thank you for your suggestions and ideas.

melanie rose, of course it matters what you think! As long as it's a compliment ;] haha just messing around. It does matter though. And yes that's true, keep it green and think about my reference points. Thanks!

Coloursanrainbows, thanks so much for your support! I don't see many dreadheads around where I live, sometimes the pressure to conform is great. You're right, I have to remember why I decided to dread in the first place, and stick with it!

Lovelovelove


Mons
01/23/13 11:15:42AM @mons:
My hubby used to say the same kind of things. Then I showed him picks of salon dreads (all uniform and boring), then waxed crocheted dreads that had been cut in half and were disgusting, pics of traction alopecia, all the things that could happen to me of I maintained over a long period of time. Then came pics of post-salon dreads that were going natural, they looked worse than mine. THEN I showed him pics of all natural, neglect dreads. How messy they were. According to him, mine didn't look half 'bad' (he's an asshole sometimes).And he's a recovering addict as well. He went thru a period of self loathing, feeling useless. He still does. Things will get better, it just hard because you don't have the needle to cloud the rough times anymore.Something that really helped me, if you attend meetings, really listen to what others share. I've heard stories so much worse than mine and my husbands, it's put things in perspective for me. If there are Nar-Anon meetings in your area, go to a few. Listen to the parents talk about what they've been try with their addicted children. There will always be one to two that are equal or worse... It really does bring things into perspective.

melanie rose
01/22/13 09:25:13PM @melanie-rose:
I can relate to all of what you said, from the comparing of your locs to someone elses, battling that poison of a drug, homelessness.. I know, its quite overwhelming and often times it feels never ending. I know this sounds pathetic, but when I'm having an emotional/mental breakdown I tell myself I've been through alot worse and made it out alright. Just from reading this entry I can sense your strength and ability to overcome obstacles that are seemingly impossible.As for the boyfriends negative comments, mine says the same shit. But this is YOUR journey, let those harsh words roll off your back.Oh, and I know it doesn't matter what I think or anyone else, but coming from a new dreadhead, I would kill to have your locs, they are magnificent and stunning. So are you lady :) keep your head held high and always remember there are better days ahead. I support you.

Coloursnrainbows
01/22/13 09:21:31PM @coloursnrainbows:
And an upside down plant is not bad at all. It shows your individuality. And that's a blessing.

Coloursnrainbows
01/22/13 09:20:38PM @coloursnrainbows:
I think your locks are beautiful and coming along fine. Mine were back combed as well. I also have a lot of loops a squiggles and flats and ones the bulge at the end. And my babies are short too. Like around my chin. So you can imagine how " funnie" they look. You are not alone in your feelings. Just keep pushing forward girlie. :)

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