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Location: Chico CA
Country: US


Life, nature, truth


Blogs: 7
images: 45

I want to leave this town

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I live in the bay area. All I'll say publicly. I'm tired of having to act like someone I'm not just to stay out of harm's way. Lately, I've been discovering my true self, and people aren't liking it. I get dreadlocks, and all the sudden people tell me I'm not hard if I can't handle all day every day smoking. I'm happy with my relationship with pot. Isn't that what it was cultivated for? Happiness? Sometimes I'd rather fight than deal with the mental crap. That can be a lot worse. Hell, I've punched stuff and messed up my hands pretty bad. I'd hurt myself before anyone else. Why can't people just realize that I don't want to deal with their crap? Obviously, they don't care. I'm halfway ready to tell my last two friends I got to shove it. One of them accused me of stealing family heirlooms and his uncle(ex drill seargent at pendleton) pinned me against a van and made it very clear I was no longer welcome there. I move outta state and with nothing fun to do, I got into a little trouble. While in a dorm, I wrote my friend 3 letters. He wrote back once. I stopped. Still, I forgave him. I get out at 18, back to California, get a car, and a lot of friends. Nope. No friends really. Because I totaled my car, and no friends around. I turn 21, start drinking. I show up on my friend's porch after 8 years, and his family breaks down saying they know I didn't steal anything. I forgave them. 5 or so years later, his grandma dies. While cleaning out her room, we find the jewelry that had been missing for 13 years. It was emotional for everyone on so many levels. I go through years of pain, yet I'm told I shouldn't bring up the past. Bygones I'm told. How are you supposed to work through shit when you don't work through it? It still hurts me to this day. My friend still says he never accused me, but I remember in these exact words, "You stole my cd, and $500 worth of shit from my grandma." Well, as much as that hurts, I'm still his friend, because it would be wrong to not let bygones be bygones, when that is all I wish he would do. He thinks "sorry" eases 16 years of pain. But, as Ghandi says, You must be the change you want to see in the world."

I just had to leave another friends house because he was trying to get me to pop a soma. I didn't even know what that shit was, so I start looking it up. Meth. Sedative. Savagery. Unpredictable. He wouldn't give up. I started reading this info to him, and he pops one and 5 minutes later he's playing with a knife, kicks his shoes off at the wall, starts slurring his words, and was too gone to care that I was leaving. This is what got me thinking about wanting to leave my town. So many people I've met are now dead or in jail, or probably somewhere fucked up, homeless, I've read papers, and found shit out, and I just want to get out of Babylon. I'm honestly considering moving down south to get away. There's a hippy chick there, but I know we wouldn't be permanent. That's why I don't go down there. I don't want to be here either. I did some soul searching in Arizona, and found nothing. Mentally, just all around fucked. I have a lot of pride in not asking others for opinions, and I like to act strong, but I don't know how much more I can take. Yeah, and get this, I'm on medication, (tried 6 months without it, wound up in psych ward), so going without those meds is not an option. I'm at a crossroads right now, and really thinking about a new life. Wherever I go, come my dreads :)

☮ soaring eagle ॐ
03/02/14 02:51:56PM @soaring-eagle:

no offence wandering and i sure would love to see parts of africa but then again parts are extremely scary worse then any bible belt.. as examples

im not sure its true today but 10 years ago in africa (parts) it was believed that the cure for aids was to rape a virgin

to this day parts of africa they teach that homosexuals "like to lick the rectum until poop comes out then they eat the poop"

other parts have no problems with children on the streets with asault rufles

and lets not forget that some patys scamming is a way of life (nijerian "my uncle was a diplomat killed by extremists and left 14 million wich i want to give to you a perfect stranger" scam and the ghana "hi i love you marry me oh and im stuck in a hotem=l and need you to send me mony so i can be with you" dating scam thats so bad that 7 or 8 out of every 10 i meet from those countries (senegal as well) are scammers (i understand the poverty there creates desperation ) oh and theres also the pirates ..cant forget them

plz dont be offended just saying that things are far from perfect there ..

as long as theres curupt systems in place, unequality (financial or racial etc) religios competition etc there will always be problems..ofcourse n korea maybe worse but i think the worse parts of america are better them many parts of africa (even tho im not proud of how america is im realistic too)

☮ soaring eagle ॐ
03/02/14 12:55:49PM @soaring-eagle:

gary youd really cut your dreads and change who yo0u are just cause of where you live? really? come on.. my best freind lives in tulsa.. the shit stain just south of the bible belt

her evil ex kidnapped her kids and has been abusing them for 5 years the lawyer sauid shed have a better chance of winning if she cur her dreads (false they are just trying to control her) and if she cit them what kind of message does that send to g=her kids? (who want tio dread too but her evil ex keeps shaving thieer heads out of spite (2 beautuful girls 1 had grown her amazing hair from birth till they shaved it)

additionaly when she worked at dominoes pizza her manager kept giving her shit hours (not cause of the dreads but cause she wasnt cristian) after 2 months ..she was made manager and the manager firedbecause she never gave in.. oh and when she worked at joes crab shack, after 2 years, the owner sold the biz and the new owner made her wear a fake ponytail to hide her dreads.. that sparked a petition bu all her regular customers to alow her to wear her dreads any way she wanted.. then a threat to boycott the resterauant

ppint is even in the worse hell hole close minded places i should never cut your dreads because some dont accept it

☮ soaring eagle ॐ
03/02/14 12:28:58PM @soaring-eagle:

people think that smoking onstop makes you a better person?

google "barf" or bay area rainbow family you want to fgo to a gathering this summer well begin by gathering with family where your at.. you'll make real freinds that may smoke but wont touch meth..and wont judge u based on how much or lil u smoke

thety probably have potlucks picnics and drum circles ..its a start at least a way tio meet then u can develop freindships from there (extremely easy to do with rainbows)

yea leaving maybe an option but not running..dont run away.. leave to find something better.. actualy know where your better is b4 u go

screw cali too head to oregon or 1 of the off the grid comunities in new mexico

03/02/14 07:02:48AM @drs:

Yeah, running does tend to make you tired. I've had my best, and worst times here. Actually, best was in Modesto. but other than that, pretty much here. I need to get into photography.

03/02/14 06:25:25AM @gary2:

dude i live in the bay and i just cut everyone off. Thats what is recommended when living here. This is one of the best places to live. your problems won't be solved by just moving away. Just relax. kick it at your home find a hobby and live your life.

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