I want to leave this town
I live in the bay area. All I'll say publicly. I'm tired of having to act like someone I'm not just to stay out of harm's way. Lately, I've been discovering my true self, and people aren't liking it. I get dreadlocks, and all the sudden people tell me I'm not hard if I can't handle all day every day smoking. I'm happy with my relationship with pot. Isn't that what it was cultivated for? Happiness? Sometimes I'd rather fight than deal with the mental crap. That can be a lot worse. Hell, I've punched stuff and messed up my hands pretty bad. I'd hurt myself before anyone else. Why can't people just realize that I don't want to deal with their crap? Obviously, they don't care. I'm halfway ready to tell my last two friends I got to shove it. One of them accused me of stealing family heirlooms and his uncle(ex drill seargent at pendleton) pinned me against a van and made it very clear I was no longer welcome there. I move outta state and with nothing fun to do, I got into a little trouble. While in a dorm, I wrote my friend 3 letters. He wrote back once. I stopped. Still, I forgave him. I get out at 18, back to California, get a car, and a lot of friends. Nope. No friends really. Because I totaled my car, and no friends around. I turn 21, start drinking. I show up on my friend's porch after 8 years, and his family breaks down saying they know I didn't steal anything. I forgave them. 5 or so years later, his grandma dies. While cleaning out her room, we find the jewelry that had been missing for 13 years. It was emotional for everyone on so many levels. I go through years of pain, yet I'm told I shouldn't bring up the past. Bygones I'm told. How are you supposed to work through shit when you don't work through it? It still hurts me to this day. My friend still says he never accused me, but I remember in these exact words, "You stole my cd, and $500 worth of shit from my grandma." Well, as much as that hurts, I'm still his friend, because it would be wrong to not let bygones be bygones, when that is all I wish he would do. He thinks "sorry" eases 16 years of pain. But, as Ghandi says, You must be the change you want to see in the world."
I just had to leave another friends house because he was trying to get me to pop a soma. I didn't even know what that shit was, so I start looking it up. Meth. Sedative. Savagery. Unpredictable. He wouldn't give up. I started reading this info to him, and he pops one and 5 minutes later he's playing with a knife, kicks his shoes off at the wall, starts slurring his words, and was too gone to care that I was leaving. This is what got me thinking about wanting to leave my town. So many people I've met are now dead or in jail, or probably somewhere fucked up, homeless, I've read papers, and found shit out, and I just want to get out of Babylon. I'm honestly considering moving down south to get away. There's a hippy chick there, but I know we wouldn't be permanent. That's why I don't go down there. I don't want to be here either. I did some soul searching in Arizona, and found nothing. Mentally, just all around fucked. I have a lot of pride in not asking others for opinions, and I like to act strong, but I don't know how much more I can take. Yeah, and get this, I'm on medication, (tried 6 months without it, wound up in psych ward), so going without those meds is not an option. I'm at a crossroads right now, and really thinking about a new life. Wherever I go, come my dreads