As I watch my hair continue to knot and tighten over the last 7 months, I have for the most part been completely in love with the changes as they happen.

Right now some of my dreads are in what I am calling the "flat cat turd" stage. Bumpy, kind of flat little chunk dreads. Please tell me they will even out and round up a little?

On a positive note... I think it lends a "wild" air to me lately. Perhaps I need that.

I'm nearly five months into my dread journey now and am finding that my head is turning into a giant static ball. All the lose little hairs standing at attention as if to say: we won't assimilate! I'm at that pint where I don't feel like I look like I have dreads, despite the fact that there are many tightening locs on my head, there is the to most layer of my hair that just falls in silly waves over my dreads. I feel like I'm rocking the crazy homeless lady look: sans the lice and smell.One of the guys I work with finally said something about my hair looking messy, I laughed and said "well its about time!"I still love my hair, we are just going through an awkward stage together.

It's been over 3 months now since I decided to stop brushing.

I've told a few people, and I'm kind of waiting for the rest to notice... how long before they ask, I wonder. There's no way that no one has noticed that I'm not brushing my hair anymore. It just looks different... to me, it's stark, but then I have to remember that I am working with some seriously unobservant men.

I'm only three weeks unbrushed at this point, but I am finding that every day there are these beautiful changes to watch. I am really enjoying that part. I'm also really amazed to see how quickly little baby locs are being born.

I have relatively fine wavy hair, but I have A LOT of it. It's always been a little on the "dry" side. I feel like maybe this is helping it to start knotting up so quick? My theory... could be complete rubbish for all I know. You can see in the photo below there are 4 or 5 baby dreads in the center, on the under part of my hair.

I never enjoyed brushing my hair, nor how my hair looked when it was brushed. Brushing killed the wave/curl in my hair, added frizz and generally gave me this look of "I didn't care shit for my hair today."

In fact, the only time that people seemed to say: "Oh, I like your hair" or "Your hair looks pretty today" was on days I woke up in the morning and didn't bother .

It must be a perfect fit... like it was meant to be that some day I would throw away that cursed brush forever.

It is not possible to recall the many times I've changed my hair. How often without a thought I've slung various chemical concoctions onto my hair, with results every color on the spectrum.

So why is the choice to start growing dreadlocks so hard, so filled with emotion and with so many internal questions? Fear even? Is it theresidual ignorant fear that once you dread to go back you must shave your head? (I know this not to be true)

I've spent the majority of my adult life struggling with society's version of "beauty". I've always been chubby. I've never been interested in hair, makeup and fashion. I've spent so much time letting the world convince me that I'm not beautiful, no matter how perfectly coiffed my hair, no matter the thickness of the layers of makeup.

About 6 years ago, I started losing weight. 100lbs... gone! I discovered belly dance. I found that men were finally discovering... me. I was finally discovering MYSELF... hidden beneath years of shame, years of asocietal SCREAM that said: "YOU ARE NOT BEAUTIFUL... THEREFORE YOU ARE NOT WORTHY!"

Now there is this tiny voice inside of me that says: "Why are you doing this to yourself? They will judge you again, if not by your weight than by the style of your hair. They will think [insert random stereotype of someone with dreadlocks] of you."

I look in the mirror, and *I* really like the changes I'm already seeing. This is what should matter most to my heart.

I release my fear into the wilderness to roam... far, far away from me.