I'm brushing my dreadlocks out. I'm so unbelievably devastated. It's been a beautiful, wild, crazy four months, and I'm so upset that it's ending. In the short few months, they've done so much for me, you couldn't even begin to fathom! I don't even know what to write right now, I'm at such a loss for words. I don't want to say goodbye to them, but more like a see you later, in the next journey. As for all of you, I've come to enjoy talking to you, and everything everyone has done. I'm still going to be here on the site, just with my same, plain, average, normal, straight, un-knotted, hair =\. I don't know when I'm going to start my journey again, but I'm hoping it won't be too long. Losing them is harder than I ever imagined it to be.

Just to start, is it weird that I'd rather look to other people, than to the people who love and care about me in real life? Oh well here goes =\

A lot of crazy shit has happened in the past few months, between, my "father" being a scumbag, my uncle being a scumbag, finding out I'm having another baby on the way, and a bunch of shit that I wouldn't even know where to start on explaining it all. But that isn't what this is about, it's only the start of it.

When I was 10 I like many other people have been diagnosed with a bunch of crazy things. Ranging from Depression, to OCD, to bulimia, to schizophrenia. I have been in and out of inpatient programs from the ages of 10-17. I've recovered a TON since I had my first daughter, minus random panic attacks, and freak outs.. until recently. I've been blacking out for.. I'm not sure how long, but I've been aware that something has been wrong for about a week now. I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed, but I'm afraid to talk about it to my family, and fiance. I'm afraid they're going to make me go back to therapy.. Well I'm not so much afraid of therapy, but afraid they will take my daughter away, and my son when he's born. My moms side of the family is sensitive, I wouldn't say psychic, but we feel strong spirits, when they want to be felt, and pick up on strong energies. My daughter is 1 and a half, and when I was pregnant with her, everything was a lot more intense. She's very open to my great grandmother who passed when I was no older than 4. I'm not sure if since I'm pregnant again, that's why all of this is happening, and I'm just more open, and I'm feeding off other energies, or if it's my illness sneaking back up on me again. I've never been afraid of picking up on spirits, but this is scaring the SHIT out of me. I obviously don't know how I act when I black out, but it's been obviously bad enough that I've been hospitalized many times over it. My biggest fear is losing my children. I'm afraid of opening up and talking about it, or even writing in a journal, out of paranoia, and fear that someone else will read it, and confront me about it. I don't like talking about it, which is why I'm quite baffled I am writing about it now. Especially to a bunch of people who don't know me, but I think that's why I can post it here.. Because none of you really do know me. I don't have to worry about being judged (good or bad) by a bunch of strangers, because I couldn't change the way any of you felt about me, cause you don't feel anything for me. Not sure if any of that made sense, and I think I'm writing this more for myself, than any of you, so I don't really care if any of this made sense. I'm not looking for pity, or consoling, but raw off the record advice, or for people to let me know if they've been in a similar situation, and what they do/did. I'm lost at this point, I'm afraid of myself, I'm afraid for my children, and I don't know where to go from here. I've been sitting here looking at this after it's all been typed (exception for this sentence) wondering if I should even press send, but decided I have more to gain, than to lose.