You know those moments when you are so sick of being alone, and you reach out to connect, no matter how small the gesture, and even if someone takes hold, it doesn't help because they are not the one person who could hold your damaged but still beating wounded heart. I am having such a hard time handling all of this on my own, I've been told not to go through this alone- go seek professional help to guide you through this- but I don't want to waste the time going through the back log, explaining anything. I just feel how I feel and am having a very hard time handling this while I am down here. I just want to be up close to them. I am stronger up there, have a bigger safety net, am loved. But here I am, battling financial 'need', over quality time and life. I need to stay here and remain an employee, girlfriend to my unsympathetic, "just hurry and get on with your grief so you can get back to making as much money as possible" girlfriend, contributing member of this family, and parent of my son the year old dog we got "together". Nights are the worst, trying to fall asleep with myself, it really hard to share a bed, let alone a head with someone you hate. I hate the part of me that is making me stay here, rationalizing my excuses(you have a dog, and no car, and a committed job here). But the part of me that wants to go be with Harold and Kaye in this time, is muffled over too much traffic and society demanding more and more money. It's soothed more coarsely than I may really be able to handle by my girlfriend, "well life goes on and money will never stop being a part of life, no matter how sick of it you are, oh and by the way I've stopped taking my depression meds again and really feel that you need to get through this alone because in the end that is all we ever have, ourselves". When I do sleep I have dreams that puts salt in wounds, but finds me in safe arms, loved and cherished if only for the moment. I don't know how much more I can take.

ughhh