dreadlocks changing more than your hair

Blair: "It also made me realize that I didnt need to take any crap from my controlling boyfriend. He hated that I finally stood up for myself and I did something he told me not to do. Sad right? Our relationship will be ending soon, and I'm happy to say I'm not sad about it at all."

You go, girl! You don't need anyone else controlling you; you're capable of controlling yourself. My husband and I have really had it out a few times over my hair, too. He's settled down a great deal but yeah, I can see relationships ending because of hair. Yes, it is sad.

I read something interesting in an old psychotherapy book last week, I just grabbed it off the library shelf and started reading it so I don't remember the name of it but it was quite enlightening. It described controlling behavior as the controller seeing the person they are trying to control as 'acting out against their actual selves. Except in this case the actual person isn't who the controller really is.' The controller builds up this ideal image in their mind of who they think you are and what you should be and when you disagree with anything at all they act as though you don't know yourself, thus making you insecure!

But we DO know ourselves. WE live in our own skins, they do not. So if someone you love doesn't seem to listen to you and always thinks they know what is best for you and you don't know anything-- that's what's going on. You're an idealized doll in their mind and when you 'act out' they feel like they're trying to protect you. But really all they're doing is protecting the image THEY have of you in their mind because that's what they need you to be, for THEIR sake, not yours. When they try to dictate your every move and mood then you know they're thinking of the doll-like image in their mind- not YOU. They're not talking to YOU anymore, they're talking to the doll.

Dreadlocks are definitely freeing in this regard because you're letting your outside show what's on the inside. Nobody is perfectly smooth and frizz-free on the inside; we're all chaotic creatures of whim and desire.

That's eactly what he does. When I first brought uop getting dreads he said "you'll get tired of them and hate them. Trust me I know you better than you do. I was right about you piercing and your ears (I stretched them)" and hell say mean things like "I miss your old body, you should start working out". When I try to break up with him he guilts me. Into staying with him by threatning to kill himself. So hopefully this will be the thing that ends us. Its sad that he's so superficial, I never thought someone could be that mean. And that book sounds like it would be interesting, ill try to find something like that at the library. I love psychilogy.

Emotional vampirism. That's what it is. The condition, not the book unfortunately. I've looked and looked on Amazon but I can't find it. It's an older book. But there's lots of books written about this very subject. "Pulling Your Own Strings" is a good one. And narcissists truly are that superficial. A caring person would try to get you to workout for your health, not because they just want your old body back. A narcissist will leave you(or make you feels so bad you want to die) when they get tired of your old body. Or they'll just cheat on you with a better looking woman, thus making you feel MORE like a piece of crap thrown to the side. There is no winning with a narcissist.

I've had an emotional vampire in my life; a real narcissist who yup, threatened to kill themselves if I left them. All I could do was leave. I didn't have the heart to say, "Well, you better start hacking at the vein with a butterknife now, baby, because I'm leaving in 3... 2....1..." Although I really really wanted to. Mean, I know. But they put me through hell. After all the hell you really just want to get away. And getting away is really the only safe option. You want to live your life, not theirs.

And Blair, if he really knows you better than you know yourself then isn't he pretty much dating himself? That's kinda lame. Like having a predictable conversation with yourself. What's the point? Alright. And what does HE get out of it? Ahhhh... someone to control. So he gets what he wants. What do you get out of the relationship?

The light shines in the dark and life suddenly becomes good again.

I'm in need of a trip to the library, so ill look for it. Sounds reaally interesting. And he's always accusing me of cheating, he does it so much I'm starting to think he's the one who's cheating. I don't have any proof though. I don't want him in my life at all, but he's the father of my 2 boys, so I'm stuck. He also threatens to take the boys to florida so I'll never see them if we break up. I'm living with my mom with no job (I'm looking for one of course), and I'm not sure how all the custody stuff works out. In a perfect world he'd sign his rights over and disappear. But I know I can't have my way with that one. Haha.

Yikes. Yes, that is unfortunately one emotional vampire you will be stuck dealing with for the rest of your life. BUT-- it doesn't have to be all horrible. The best advice I've heard(which I have used) was about how to live in proximity with a narcissistic emotional vampire who thrives on discord and running your life: become boring and then make your retreat. That's about the only thing that wont set them off. They pick at the flamboyant because they have such strong opinions about EVERYthing. Because, you know, everything that is their way is right while everyone else is wrong for thinking the way they do. Narcissists can't accept other people's opinions.

If he's constantly accusing you of cheating then he may not necessarily be DOING it but he certainly is thinking about 'cheating' as a major topic an awful lot, isn't he? That indicates paranoia, fear, grasping/attachment issues, and of course the obvious control freak tendencies. He's a bully, flat out. He wants to make you so scared that you can't think, let alone think about what you want.

Getting independent wont be easy but it's the only way you'll be able to get the toothy vampire off your back. The kids being around that behavior certainly isn't healthy, either, especially if they're boys. You don't want him as their manly role model thinking they can manipulate and control women so easily with tears, yelling, and threats.

Just don't laugh at him. That's pretty much the worst thing you can do to an emotional vampire. If you laugh at his ridiculousness it could make him psychotic. After you can identify exactly HOW he manipulates people after a while it does become funny to watch. Act bored. Just don't laugh. They really do think they're gods and that they have everyone's best interest at heart.

After your separated and safe it'd be amusing to have a socratic argument with him about his childish past behavior. Watch the indignant teeth come out in fury. It's hilarious. But only if you're safe.

How exactly would I be boring? And hes not a good role model for the boys, which is another reason I want him gone. He's kind of mean to them, he calls our younger son fat all the time, and he completely ignores our older son. As soon as he walks in the door he's totally focused on me. Or, he'll yell at our 2 year old about having a bink. And when I say something to him about shouting over something stupid he jumps on how I'm a bad parent because I don't discipline the boys (I do gentle discipline, I don't spank them.) My mom is noticing his crap too. A couple months ago she discreetly left a phamphlet on emotional abuse in one of my books. There was one time I called him out on it, and showed him the phamphlet and he flipped out. I've never seen him go crazy like that, I was actually kind of scared.

And sorry if I keep going on, I don't really talk to people much about this, they usually go on about how I'm stupid for getting back with him. Lol.

This is really rough with the kids in the middle.That's good that your family has noticed all this. If you need their support then you know you'll have good people to rely on for character witnesses in court for his behavior.

The kids are in a dangerous spot and able to be hurt so much more easily by all this. You're an adult. You can hop in a car and take off. They can't. Furthermore, if you tried taking off with them you'll have judges and lawyers up your ass so fast you'll think you were in a hospital gown. Look up something called UNCRC or the United Nations Conventions for the Rights of the Child. Scary shit. The United States is starting to use International Law to sneak this stuff into the state constitutions. Just something to think about. I'd start making a plan to get out now. Under UNCRC laws the state can take away your children for so much as fighting in front of them or children disagreeing with parents. Please, don't laugh or roll your eyes until you read more about this monstrosity. The USA is the ONLY country so far not to sign UNCRC into legality.

My longwinded point is that if you want to keep your kids then you're going to have to get a plan together. Custody will be a nightmare, naturally. And people are often going to call you stupid for getting back together with him but you know what? If life was easy then it wouldn't be worth living. We don't arrive on this Earth with all the answers in our hearts and souls and we have to learn by experience. Anyone calls you stupid for making a mistake then just remind them of that-- what, they've never made mistakes before? They're so perfect?

About acting boring, here's how I survived the relationship: I kept a mantra that I said to myself when I woke and any time during the day before I opened my mouth. It sounds horribly degrading but it literally puts you in your place for the moment to stay in the non-intrusive mindset of where he wants you to be. By non-intrusive I mean "brainless." You're not intruding on his doll-vision of you therefore he's somewhat happier. If you intrude on his doll-vision then you're going to set him off. Be placating. You wont have to do this forever.

The mantra I kept saying to myself was, "I don't live here anymore. My opinion doesn't matter." Over and over and over and over again.

First, saying to myself that I don't live here anymore reminded me of my goal. Second, my opinion truly didn't matter to him so what the hell was the point of saying anything anyway? I just learned to let it all go over my head and agree with whatever he said unless it was accusing me of something I didn't do. Then if he did accuse me of something I'd ask him "'I didn't do it but why do you think I did it?" Let HIM rationalize the accusation.

The more he makes stupid hollow arguments about he swears you did something which you know you didn't the more clearly you'll see that you need to gather the energy to make a concrete plan on a way to get out.

Be boring. Don't express opinions. Use that brain-energy instead to make a plan to get out. And if during this process of not expressing opinions he gets abusive with your children then you have legally gained a way out. Take the kids and go file a police report. He stepped over the line.

Can we turn this over to a personal conversation format now and let the thread get back to the original topic? I'd like to continue the conversation but I think it'll get even more lengthy and I don't want to offtrack the thread too much longer. People will get unnerved.

Dreadlocks changing more than your hair. Hmmm.. I started sewing dresses. And actually wearing them. *gasp* I've never been such a girlie girl in my life. Dreadlocks have made me more easy going overall but I don't put up with anyone's shit. I'd rather walk out of the room than continue listening to someone be bashed or bashing another person. I used to put up with it now I refuse to tolerate it at all. People can have their opinions but geez, why do they still insist on forcing their beliefs on others?

Yeah, that would work, I don't want to get too off topic in this thread. Lol.I used to crochet, but stopped because my friends made fun of me. But I'm thinking about starting it again. I've always wanted to learn how to sew. The closest I ever came to sweing was in 7th grade when we made pillows. Lol.
updated by @blair: 07/14/15 03:49:47AM

I told my mother that I was going to let my hair dead and she really didnt knowwhat they were,so I showed her some pics and explained that it would take a while and that my hair would be messy for a while.My precious 83 year old mother just smiled and said if that is what you want do it. How cool was that ? She actually liked the pics that I showed her.

Baba Fats said:

Good for you. It is empowering to stop care what others think about you. They not only help with this in the physical sense, but locks can also help you stop caring about how people see your actions

I went Vegan and started doing Yoga. Apart from that I'll second what Soaring Eagle says.

My dreadlocks have changed everything about me.