This is really rough with the kids in the middle.That's good that your family has noticed all this. If you need their support then you know you'll have good people to rely on for character witnesses in court for his behavior.
The kids are in a dangerous spot and able to be hurt so much more easily by all this. You're an adult. You can hop in a car and take off. They can't. Furthermore, if you tried taking off with them you'll have judges and lawyers up your ass so fast you'll think you were in a hospital gown. Look up something called UNCRC or the United Nations Conventions for the Rights of the Child. Scary shit. The United States is starting to use International Law to sneak this stuff into the state constitutions. Just something to think about. I'd start making a plan to get out now. Under UNCRC laws the state can take away your children for so much as fighting in front of them or children disagreeing with parents. Please, don't laugh or roll your eyes until you read more about this monstrosity. The USA is the ONLY country so far not to sign UNCRC into legality.
My longwinded point is that if you want to keep your kids then you're going to have to get a plan together. Custody will be a nightmare, naturally. And people are often going to call you stupid for getting back together with him but you know what? If life was easy then it wouldn't be worth living. We don't arrive on this Earth with all the answers in our hearts and souls and we have to learn by experience. Anyone calls you stupid for making a mistake then just remind them of that-- what, they've never made mistakes before? They're so perfect?
About acting boring, here's how I survived the relationship: I kept a mantra that I said to myself when I woke and any time during the day before I opened my mouth. It sounds horribly degrading but it literally puts you in your place for the moment to stay in the non-intrusive mindset of where he wants you to be. By non-intrusive I mean "brainless." You're not intruding on his doll-vision of you therefore he's somewhat happier. If you intrude on his doll-vision then you're going to set him off. Be placating. You wont have to do this forever.
The mantra I kept saying to myself was, "I don't live here anymore. My opinion doesn't matter." Over and over and over and over again.
First, saying to myself that I don't live here anymore reminded me of my goal. Second, my opinion truly didn't matter to him so what the hell was the point of saying anything anyway? I just learned to let it all go over my head and agree with whatever he said unless it was accusing me of something I didn't do. Then if he did accuse me of something I'd ask him "'I didn't do it but why do you think I did it?" Let HIM rationalize the accusation.
The more he makes stupid hollow arguments about he swears you did something which you know you didn't the more clearly you'll see that you need to gather the energy to make a concrete plan on a way to get out.
Be boring. Don't express opinions. Use that brain-energy instead to make a plan to get out. And if during this process of not expressing opinions he gets abusive with your children then you have legally gained a way out. Take the kids and go file a police report. He stepped over the line.
Can we turn this over to a personal conversation format now and let the thread get back to the original topic? I'd like to continue the conversation but I think it'll get even more lengthy and I don't want to offtrack the thread too much longer. People will get unnerved.
Dreadlocks changing more than your hair. Hmmm.. I started sewing dresses. And actually wearing them. *gasp* I've never been such a girlie girl in my life. Dreadlocks have made me more easy going overall but I don't put up with anyone's shit. I'd rather walk out of the room than continue listening to someone be bashed or bashing another person. I used to put up with it now I refuse to tolerate it at all. People can have their opinions but geez, why do they still insist on forcing their beliefs on others?