At a crossroads with my almost 20-month-old dreadlocks

Hey everyone,

I'm looking for some encouragement here. I've come to a crossroads & I am *this close* to chopping my dreads off.

I have a few qualms with the way my dreadlocks have progressed. At almost 20 months in, I still have hair around my neck & ears that just sits there, silky & smooth & stubborn. In addition to that, *most* of the hairs on the lower part of the back of my head have only just recently begun to lock up, & therefore are several inches longer than the dreads on the top of my head. In short (no pun intended), I have a dread mullet. My very dear & very gracious husband has delicately informed me that I look pretty crazy when I wear my hair down, & so I pretty much never wear it down. I don't care much about looking good for anyone, but I do like to know that my husband admires me...so, I wear my dreads in a bun. Every day. Everywhere I go. I also have a one-year-old who LOVES to yank the longer hairs & it's enough to bring tears to my eyes! If those things weren't enough, my husband has also (again, very delicately & even reluctantly!) told me that it's hard to get close to my head (while cuddling in bed, for example) because my dreads feel so scratchy. Sad. Naturally, I'm losing momentum & feeling down about things.

So, I have questions & I hope you all have good answers.

1. I know dreadlocks tend to lock unevenly, but is it common for the unevenness to be so DRASTIC? Is it likely that they'll stay this uneven for much longer?

2. Could it be that they're so uneven due to the fact that I am constantly putting them up? Would it help if I literally did nothing to them except wash as usual and separate when needed?

3. Can anyone venture a guess on when I can expect my dreads to soften up? Or are there any maintenance ideas for softening them? I thought that they'd always be soft since I only t & r'ed loosely in the beginning, & have allowed them to freeform ever since...but they definitely feel scratchy. My oldest son has asked me to cut them off *because* of how scratchy they are! Oh, the honesty of a child!

4. This isn't really a question, but I welcome anything you may have to add. I need a pick-me-up before I go nuts & get myself a pixie cut.

updated by @mamaemmelia: 02/15/15 03:15:56AM

it absolutely affects the progress to have em up all the time

what are u washing with

try the bars from www.dreadlocksjhampoo.com (try the goddess bar if that dont get rour huby to burry his nose in yoir dreads art night nothing will)

if the bars dont soften them enough use lil aloe or jojoba

remember tho that softening them will slow that loose hairs dreadung

aditionialy

all dreads have loose haoirs around the edhges..so what?

dont feel so self consouse about it dont let your hubby make u dpfeel bad about it either..leave your dreads down let them fly free in the breeze

i bet ya after washing with those bars they feel 100% better

--
My new book Ban The Taboo Vol 1

i totally get your concerns but i swear it will get better. i was sporting a crazy looking dread mullet for quite a while and then all of a sudden the back shrunk up super fast and it isn't as noticeable. if i'm not mistaken, i've talked to you on instagram and we live in the same city. i have about half a bar left of a dreadlockshampoo bar that i'm not using that you can have if you want to give it a try. it might help with the scratchiness. when i started my dreads i had no idea how actual dreadlocks felt since i had never touched any. it does bother me a bit that my hair isn't as soft but it isn't that bad anymore since finding a shampoo that works for me. kind of like a felted wool feel instead of brittle.

if i were you i would give it a few months or maybe to your two year mark. a lot can happen in four months and you might be pleasantlysurprised.

oh and i still have soft unknotted hair around my ears but some of it is finally starting to develop little knots. the hair there is finer and softer so it just takes a little longer than the rest.

I think your dreads look beautiful wild . There will be those times when you think about coping them. If your hubby doesn't like the way they feel in bed sleep with a tam on . Se is probably has the best suggestions of soaps for you. Loose hairs kinda come with dreads especially with suchstraight smooth hair embrace them . You think a kid pulling on dread hair hurts??? I combed my two year dreads out right after one and wow getting straight hair pulled after having dreads for so long ouch

Curing* & After my son turned one* oops

Thanks for the words, Heather! I would love to try the shampoo bar, if you're sure you won't be using it! That's really nice of you. I really do want to do all I can to move past this big bump in the road! I talked yesterday to a fellow dready mama I go to church with & she really helped me remember more of the spiritual reasons I started in the first place, which definitely helped revive my resolve.

Heather said:

i totally get your concerns but i swear it will get better. i was sporting a crazy looking dread mullet for quite a while and then all of a sudden the back shrunk up super fast and it isn't as noticeable. if i'm not mistaken, i've talked to you on instagram and we live in the same city. i have about half a bar left of a dreadlockshampoo bar that i'm not using that you can have if you want to give it a try. it might help with the scratchiness. when i started my dreads i had no idea how actual dreadlocks felt since i had never touched any. it does bother me a bit that my hair isn't as soft but it isn't that bad anymore since finding a shampoo that works for me. kind of like a felted wool feel instead of brittle.

if i were you i would give it a few months or maybe to your two year mark. a lot can happen in four months and you might be pleasantlysurprised.

I started out for most of the first year washing with BS/ACV, but then I transitioned to a locally made residue-free shampoo bar. I moved from the area so now I use J.R. Ligget's shampoo bar. But I'll definitely try the goddess bar. I am just going to bite the bullet & leave my hair down. I suppose that I was sort of holding onto a little bit of vanity - but it can be hard to strip that away! Now that I'm really meditating on the whole thing, I realize that I can learn a lot from this issue. I don't have dreads because they *look good* - I have them because I don't want to embrace pointless social expectations, & because I want a daily reminder that releasing control is good for my soul (among many other reasons!). Anyway, thanks for the advice!

soaring eagle said:

it absolutely affects the progress to have em up all the time

what are u washing with

try the bars from www.dreadlocksjhampoo.com (try the goddess bar if that dont get rour huby to burry his nose in yoir dreads art night nothing will)

if the bars dont soften them enough use lil aloe or jojoba

remember tho that softening them will slow that loose hairs dreadung

aditionialy

all dreads have loose haoirs around the edhges..so what?

dont feel so self consouse about it dont let your hubby make u dpfeel bad about it either..leave your dreads down let them fly free in the breeze

i bet ya after washing with those bars they feel 100% better

Thanks for your sweet words!! I'll try sleeping with a tam - that actually might be nice, especially in the cool evenings!

The-Pygmy Page said:

I think your dreads look beautiful wild . There will be those times when you think about coping them. If your hubby doesn't like the way they feel in bed sleep with a tam on . Se is probably has the best suggestions of soaps for you. Loose hairs kinda come with dreads especially with suchstraight smooth hair embrace them . You think a kid pulling on dread hair hurts??? I combed my two year dreads out right after one and wow getting straight hair pulled after having dreads for so long ouch

Sorry you are having doubts or not nice feelings about your dreads mama. I think most of us do at some point. Then again don't we all on "normal" hair too? Bad hair days, days we wish our was longer or thicker or straighter, etc? In the end you will have to decide for you but I tell you my 4th year of dreadlocks my first time having them was their best year. Now we have diff hair and went diff routes with how we started them but I think most dreads get better with time.

As far as your husband, I think anyone says that. No one wants dreads in their face when they sleep. But when yours get long enough you will be able to put them above your head and out of the way for the most part. I honestly don't want any hair in my face when I go to sleep, dreaded or not...

I understand wanting to look nice for your husband. But in the end you are always going to be happiest doing what makes you happy. The reason I COMBED out EVERY dread on my head when they were 4 years old? Is because I met a very conservative guy online and felt there was no way he would date me like that. Boy do I feel like an idiot for that one. I have now been married to ANOTHER guy for years and starting my dread journey again. Man my dreads would be about 10yrs old now and prob pretty amazing but oh well live and learn!

But if they are seriously bringing you down everyday then it might be something to think about. Just try to really think and dig deep, is it really the dreads that are making you sad or something else? Like worrying about what your husband thinks... Goodluck mama <3