Contents of my brain on the night of april 24th, 2010.

Had an urge to write (they don't come too often) and here's what came out.What is so good about control? Why do we crave it on every level from the menial everyday to literal control of our planet. Control of other planets!We dont like the unpredictable it seems. If we have control of a situation we get what we want, we know what happens and it is in our favor. If we let go of these urges of control, we no longer have any way to expect things other than hypothesizing.There are so many absolutely horrific violations of life occurring every single day. Billions of lives every day. Animals of all kinds, plants, killed for human consunption and resources. We need to consume these things to survive? We are told this so that we buy things. We need to buy things to keep the people who are in power rich. They need to be kept rich so that they remain in control,Any time any sort of person that thinks outside of this working systems steps forth and wins any sort of recognition from the general populace as being somewhat sensical is murdered.Why do people feel the need to control things to the point where they will murder a million of their own kind? It seems so paradoxical. There are too many humans. But every human has a soul, every animal has a soul what ever it may be, there is more to us animals than our biological mechanisms. Or perhaps the soul is also biological. It seems evident to me that such a thing exists when you look it in the eyes, when you can feel and sense its life within it. Why on earth would someone want to destroy it?I can come up with a number of theories. The psychopaths, however inhumane they seem are still human. The brain is a powerful thing, and its connection to all other parts of the being is intense. It would seem that most human brains are capable and wired to feel emotion for other humans, other beings. I cant imagine that a psychopath/sociopath would commit any crime or act without somehow thinking that is the right thing to do It truly seems like a problem that cannot be solved.There are good and bad and brilliant and they all mingle and intertwine and human urges and emotions are so powerful that it is impossible to mute them. And wouldnt it be awful if we did.I claim that I want peace. I want all people to get along. I want warfare eliminated. I want the hourly murder of animal and plant and LIFE lives to end. But that is the absolute nightmare of another human.In this way, nothing can be solved. There is no possible way to align all idealisms and way of thinking. There will always be divisions for as long as the human brain exists in the way it does. Left, right. Forward, backward. Stop, go. Right, wrong.But it just seems so strange to me, because why would such a system create itself to be destroyed. Why would the world as we know it come into existence without a purpose? It seems ridiculous that all that has happened, all that ever will and all that can be imagined are for no reason except for happeningThink about all of the things that humans have created and inspired. Its absolutely fucking ridiculous:-ovens-videogames-guillotines- toasters-gun powder-mirrors-leashes-whips- crokpots- glasses- vacuums- bulletproof things- the internet- ink- fabrics- the cotton gin- slaughterhouses- bubble machines- dog breeds- furbies- artificial limbs- dehydrated ice cream- space ships- money- poetry- vaporizers- cameras- televisions- condoms- circumcision- American idol- amazing and beautiful writing- music- sky scrappers- clones-I dont know if I can bring a human life into this world. I love children. I think babies are beautiful, wonderful things but it seems so selfish.Think of the things that are going to happen think of the things that you can only imagine and they will happen! Some are amazing and good, and a I realize that the urge is a powerful one to have a child. It is part of the human experience. But think of the resources that child will require. Think of the humans out there already. In your city. On your block. Think about how complicated each new/separate life is.Its too much. Too many humans. Whats the tipping point? I just dont knowwwwwwwwwwwww. How can I find a niche in this cluster fuck? How can I just surrender to all that stuff and be satisfied earning a living doing something that probably doesnt need to be done. I cant help but be selfish as well. Like I said, its part of what we do I cant help that I love certain people. I want to be okay, but how can I be okay when so many things are not okay?I dont read the news because I think it would kill me to read the news. I isolate myself from it as a defence mechanism. You dont hear about many good things happening on the news.I dont know how to settle it all within myself. How to come to terms. I guess I need a better sense of self before I can figure anything else out for anyone else. But that is tricky as well. SO many contributing factors. Need a degree, need to please him and her, need money? Forget about the self, everyone else doesIts ridiculous how much I care about what other people think. I wish I could just take what I enjoy and go with it, but I cant without sacrifice. And aint that the way it is? Where can I draw the line before mySelf is lost? What about the people in my life that stress me out?The human contraption can be a vicious cycle. I want people to be who they want to be, but what about the ones who want to kill children?How do we turn our cheeks to so many monstrosities? Why are we conditioned to ignore people who need our help? What about the homeless and starving? They have families and children and parents and yet there they are. Helpless. Their own kind turning their back on them.I just dont know. I could go on and on and on. My brain is exploding with thoughts.