By ☮Izzy-licious☮, 2009-09-20
What a yucky day... prepare your self this is going to get very personal... my relationship is teetering on the edge of who knows what... I love my boyfriend but I feel he and I are too different to really live a happy life together. I am or at least I try to be a pretty positive person. He is very opposite. He has a negative look on so much in life. I feel like I am constantly trying to get him to think positive and it's pulling me down. I have seriously considered ending our relationship. But this isn't the whole story. I think he may be bipolar. We are pretty sure is mother is and it is a hereditary thing. He doesn't even know he is being a jerk when he's doing it. He can be a total sweetheart, he constantly tells me I am beautiful and sexy and that he loves me. He will stop what he is doing just to come over and kiss me. He holds me as we fall asleep at night and as soon as we wake up in the morning he gives me a kiss and says good morning beautiful.I have some pretty bad self esteem issues since I put on the 70 lbs I had lost plus close to 20 more. I am 5'10" and no joke big boned. I am now at 320lbs and totally out of shape. I have no shut off switch and will eat like it is my job. I have a goal to change my life style for the better and healthier but my motivation is circling the drain even though I have a goal to get this going by September next year. My cousin is getting married and asked me to be in the wedding. I want to make it to next year and hopefully be well on my way to a full 180 lifestyle change.I am depressed because I have to work so much and still can't even afford to finish school or do any theatre, which is where I am truly happy. I am miserable in Arizona but it is currently where I HAVE to be. I hate that I am tied down by money and am beginning to very much dislike the "material" person I have become.I don't create any of my art anymore because I have ZERO inspiration and no space to create anything in anyway.I am trying to listen to myself more and my surroundings. I try to spend at least 10 minutes outdoors just listening. I spend far too much of my day indoors and alone. I have started to listen to any encounter that I have and see that it was meant to happen for a reason. The greatest example of this is my new journey with dreadlocks. I really think I am meant to have them. For one I am always attracted to them! There is a young man at the Blockbuster I frequent and I met him when I was working on my first set (waxies). He always encouraged me to help them along and loves his. I was there last week and he was sad but understood since he too had had waxed dreads. He said if I get the chance I should go for them again. Then this site and soaringeagle came along! *meant to be* I joined and as SE put it "decided to move in and am staying put" I learned so much and really felt that it was time again to embark on a journey few understand. This simple spark to "just do it" and my new "ear". I am beginning to find out more about myself than I thought I was capable of.It breaks my heart that me finding myself could eventually lead to an ended relationship but I have to do whatever it is that makes me happy and really listen to my heart and soul so that I can live the best life I can with the time I am given on this earth.A friend of mine went through something like this recently and her ending her relationship actually opened both her and her boyfriends eyes and they are both completely different people and have a beautiful new relationship. If what I have does end perhaps the same thing will happen. If my man can open his mind and heart to positive change and true happiness than awesome. If not then it isn't "meant to be"I cannot dwell on the past... only learn from it.If you read this feel free to leave any words you feel. I am open to anything.Thank you for reading...LoveJoyPeace&Patience this is my new mantraIzzy
when I a younger man, I was often the victim of bullies and fighting because I was always the tallest kid in class. (Currently 6'11) So much of my childhood was full of defending myself and resulting detention from such defenses.. As time went on we all got older and the fighting and bullying wained. But for me, anger and frustration bubbles in me and sometimes overflows in my work and my home life. I have done well in my 28 years of existence in the world to contain the beast within as it were. But for some reason no matter how hard I try and struggle the beast within is rearing it's face and I lose control and my anger flares up and My mouth follows suit and people get hurt by my razor sharp words. I hate when I'm like that and it does no good me or anyone around me but I'm at a loss of what to do. sometimes the frustration with myself at my inability to exercise self control can bring me to tears. I long to be peaceful, content and calm, but I think I do not have the tools to find the comfortable center when I am choking on my anger. I'm at a loss anymore of what to do or where to turn. I refuse to conceed to any sort of pharmaceutical answer and I believe it's a bandaid on a bullet hole. I write this as a bit of self therapy.. something to reflect on myself as I stuggle to find peace in the tumultuous seas of my psyche. No comments are needed but I welcome any advise.
Today is my dread babies' three week birthday! I'm so excited! I made a headband to celebrate the occasion! Let me know what you think of my handy-work. Still having a bit of problems with dreading in the back, but I'm just leaving it be for now.Enjoy!
On March 11 a new documentary was aired on French television - a documentary that Americans wont ever see. The gigantic bio-tech corporation Monsanto is threatening to destroy the agricultural biodiversity which has served mankind for thousands of years.
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By echolynnrain, 2009-08-25
I am in a really bad situation at home. I am trying my best to get out of this. Everything I'm trying to do to better myself is blocked my my asshole father. There is so much tension between us it's not even funny. This all began about 6 weeks ago when my mom was admitted to the hospital for surgery. She is back now after 6 weeks. Anyway...my question is: If I make it to Cali with my daughter somehow...where do we go to find rainbow family that would allow us a place to stay for a few? I am to the point of desperation on getting us out. I don't have wheels...that is the scariest part for me. So I would hopefully get us a couple bus tickets or even possibly find a ride on rideshare. I just don't want to get all the way to the other side of the country and be on the streets with all the tweekers. If anyone has any input please do share. I am desperate. My spirit can't take the verbal abuse from my father...or my mental state. If I was alone it would not be so scary...but I have a 5 yr. old I have to protect and look out for. Thanks for reading. I'm just freaking beside myslef at the moment. I hope it's ok that I wrote this here on this forum. Namaste`
By Dirty Momma Funk, 2009-08-24
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God.Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won'tfeel unsure around you.We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other peoplepermission to do the same.As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automaticallyliberates others.By Marianna Williamson
By angela englund, 2009-08-22
So the other day (Sunday? Monday? Tuesday?) I hit my hair up with some baking soda and did a salt rinse. When my hair dried it was all feathery looking, really trippy.But anyway, later on that night, a friend (C) and a housemate (T) said "Hey, let's dread your hair!" and I was like, YAY, finally someone to help me! ^-^ Twist n rip party, yay!So they both got started and the hair was really cooperating. Knotty knotty hair. They only got a few dreads in (in the front) before they got distracted by booze and pot >.< And then they came down from that a bit, and C said he'd do my hair whilst watching Sin City but that didn't happen. The lights went out for the movie and he fell asleep. >.>I managed to get one or two in myself that night with my arms complaining the whole time. The next day I got a couple more, but spent most of my energy that day cleaning house house (read:scrubbing gray things until they were white again).Then I spent the next day being very depressed (I have issues) and slept a lot.Then the next day I was fighting my way out of the depression but got a couple more puny dreads in and tried to combine two because my starters were really scrawny. At least the ones that my friends did. The ones I did were fluffier so fatter.I just got out of the shower with another round of hair stuffs done. When its dry, I'll see about doing some more. I think my 2 scrawny ones I tried to join are still together ^-^I don't mind the partial dreadiness since I I almost always wear a headband to keep hair/flyaways out of my damn eyes so its not a big deal, but I am peeved that my friends started helping me out and then just got drunk and stoned. Grr.I'm wondering if I should try to put in some sort of beads now, or anything else.So yeah, that's whats up with my hair.