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i just want to post on here that one of my later posts may have been a little misinterperated. the person who did bad things to me when i was a child has not touched anyone else and i believe its because of myself coming out about what happened to me. i came off really angry and i dont want ppl thinking that children are being hurt because thats just not the truth. i was seriously angry about finding out that hes having another baby because i selfishly wish that my own feeling about this person would rub off on others to see how angry it makes me. i do believe whole heartedly that he hasnt touched any child since i was a little kid. i can say this almsot completly for sure. i know i may have sounded really angry before in my older post and i said that her asking me what happened because he was acting diffrently towards him scared me into telling my family about what happened to me but i know that noone has touched him. and you damn well believe that my son is safe. i mean i know what its like so my kid doesnt get watched by anyone but my parents and my husbands dad because they wouldnt let anything bad happen to anyone. they are well trusted individuals and i know for a fact they would protect them just as well as i would. so i just wanted to clear all this up. and i apologize for whatever confusion and trouble was caused by my earlier angry post.i mean seriously besides how much i hate my brother for doing what he did that one time to me and as dumb as i think my sister in law is for staying with him after i told everyone what happened i mean she can be a good mom. given the hand she has been dealt with her past of foster care and abuse shes actually been a good mom and since ive told her about this ive noticed that when my brother is around she doesnt leave him alone with him. shes been real good with that. plus i mean im sure she probably doesnt really believe me to much about it either. i think shes realizing more now though that despite how much i hate my brother i still care deeply about my nephew and whatever this other child will be. but on the other hand of things they know that when he visits my moms house my son goes to my father in laws. he not aloud around or near my son at all. my son knows hes not aloud to be around him. but thats my choice. and trust me if i really thought that he hurt anyone else wether theyre related to me or not i would say something. thats definately not something i would just let go ya know. these kids mean the world to me especially my son. i promised gauge from the first day i layed eyes on him that i would never let anyone hurt him and even after i die ill make sure thats just what happens. hes my world. hes my life. and i couldnt imagine my life without him in it.i plan on writting more about this in the future if your interested. just how it is living with this in your head. how i believe this made me a more protective alert parent aware of all the evil around me. and how it can effect you relationship with friends and lovers.

Ok, I promised some pictures and so here they are. This is after 1 week of me separating, twisting and ripping and a little backcombing. I just washed my hair/head using a BS mixture with some drops of tea tree oil, peppermint, rosemary and lilac oils and then I used a mixture of Apple Cider vinigar and water - first time with the AC rinse and I got to say - I'm amazed at how soft my hair feels right now. Anyway, like I said this picture was taken just a few hours after I washed so my hair is pretty fuzzy right now.Ok, ok, I can not lie. My hair is always fuzzy these days. I spent some time this evening looking through the forum with pictures of different stages and that was really encouraging. I am guessing that it will take a number of months for these to tighten up and look like real dreads. I'm not doing anything to them now that they are all on their paths - which I love! I just put a tam on and go! My friend made me a tam to wear at night too - it has a string on it so I can tie it tightly around my face and it won't fall off during the night! lol! I look a little silly but I got to say, I love it! My head is so comfy and cozy at night! The tam is kind of large so all the baby dreads can move around in it while the thing is firmly attached. Brilliant!So without further ado - here are the pix - let me know what you guys think!

Ok so today's been a bad day.My dreads are fine, and tightning nicely. But thats not why it's a bad day.For the past 4 years, i've been single. To start with I was fine with that. I had no one to answer to and I could do my own thing. Recently though, things aren't that good.About a year ago I decided that I needed a companion/lover/girlfriend. This sounds easier than it actually is.I've tried speed dating, internet dating, singles nights, going out more, going out less. In fact I've tried everything. And how many girls have shown an interest? None!I 4 years of being single I have had no physical or mental intamacy with anyone. And this is starting to get me down. I would have thought there would be SOMEONE who would be interested in me. But no.If ever I try and talk to a girl in a bar or at a party, I just get blanked, they walk away, and I'm left bursing a beer and spending the rest of the night alone. This then gets me thinking if there's something wrong with me.All of my friends (except maybe one or two, who are single because they just get stoned all day) are in relationships or married, so it's not as though I have a wing man to help out!Am I doomed to spend the rest of eternity on my own, or will I finally find someone who just wants to hang out and have a good time? Only time will tell, and I guess tomorrow never knows. Until then I'll just muddle through and hope my life gains some sort of direction soon!

I am about halfway done with my head - it's going slow because my arms, wrists and fingers get pretty sore, but overall, I'm loving how it's turning out. But...AAAAAAaaarrrrrrrgh!!!! I've got the itchies! Last week, I washed my hair for the first time with the baking soda recipe found on this forum site and it worked wonderfully. I washed my hair a second time with it this past Saturday - just 2 days ago - and I've got the itchies and some dandruff already!!! I have not tried the AC wash yet, but since I know I won't make it till Saturday before washing my head again, I will try it - probably tonight as soon as I get home from work. I will be gritting my teeth all day trying not to scratch! I know that we have very hard water in my area so maybe that has something to do with it. I also realized pretty quickly while in the shower that I didn't use enough peppermint and tea tree oil in the mixture I made up this time. I felt some tingling, but not like the first time I made it and I think that has a lot to do with it. My friend who is a hairdresser once told me that using something that has a "refreshing" or "tingling" sensation to it is good for those who have dandruff because it is opening up the pores - which is one reason why I included peppermint in my mix. And, as SE has suggested, rinsing the final rinse with cold water is good - because it closes your pores. Maybe I didn't rinse enough this time - I don't know. But you can be sure I will be washing my scalp again this evening or I might just go stark raving mad!lol!!!!

I experienced something very cool last night. I was invited to a house concert with Francis Dunnery http://www.myspace.com/francisdunnerymusic without having any idea of what a house concert is. But God, it was soo cool. We were like 40 ppl gathering up in someone's house, paying by the door to see this guy, Francis Dunnery, that I never ever heard of before. He apparently used to be a front figure in some progressive rock band in the 80's.Anyway, Francis Dunnery proved to be the greatest of performers, he had the whole crowd under his spell for a hundred minutes, talking and singing for us. We all sang along and laughed ourselves sick listening to his stories. It was the best concert experience I had in years.This guy is doing house concerts all over the world, bookable sometimes via some of his webpages. If you want to share a cool experience with your friends, you should definitely book this guy. He is a blast.

I could never wear snobbish clothes before I had dreads. If I did, I always looked like one of the guys in "Days of our lives", combed, foolish and soppy. With snobbish clothes I mean a shirt and a jacket maybe. But now, with my dreads I can wear anything and still look, what I call "normal". Still look me, if you know what I mean? Identity again. One wants to look the way one feels like inside. And I definitely don't feel like one of the "Days of our lives"-guys inside. It's as far as one can get from my self image.Before I had dreads I had to dress down to feel comfortable and to fight against my soppy look. Now it is not necessary to do that anymore. My dreads has given me the freedom to dress the way I wanna dress.May seem like a stupid problem I had, but it was real to me.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fairy-locks

I have been wanting elf locks for years: and have been voraciously combing the internet for any and all information I could find on the subject. Very nearly purchased products from the folks at KnottyBoy and DreadHeadHQ a time or two, but something about the use of product like WAX seemed unnatural even then.
I also even toyed a few times with interlocking some strands of my hair - took them out after seeing what time did to them...the constant maintenance also seemed...unnatural.
But lets get this straight.
EVERY site I searched all stated one thing in common.
WHY do you want dreadlocks ?
I wanted dreadlocks because I was SICK and TIRED of waking up every morning and spending energy trying to decide how everyone else wanted me to appear that day.
What kind of make-up should I use? How should I style my hair? Should I dye it, and get it cut?
nothing seemed to be enough and I was spending hours a day on my appearance.
I was tired.

Six Years ago when I started my fascination with Locks, I had no social influence - no friends who had locks - I was not involved with a culture that accepted them - had no role models - wasn't even in to Bob Marley and hadn't even been to the Caribbean yet... Not even sure how I learned about them, just seemed like something that came out of Self.

2009, New Years, and I decided to incorporate an "official" beginning to my Elf Lock journey - and I burned my brush as a part of my new years ritual.

I chose the "neglect" method. And, much like how I face many problems, or obsticles, I decided to just "sleep" on it. I didn't bother with seperating my hair in to strands as tangles formed...I didn't use conditioner when I washed my hair...and, well, I didn't DO anything but keep it clean. It was wonderfully liberating.
But as the months passed, i started to notice my scalp was constantly in pain, constantly itching, and sometimes even bleeding.
One huge lock had formed at the back of my head.
I have a ton of hair, its very thick, and very long...all this weight, i guess (?) was pulling on my scalp and causing constant pain. I had even been gently massaging my scalp all this time to simulate the stimulation it used to receive from daily brushing.
After a month of agonizing over what to do, trying to wait it out hoping my scalp would adjust, i decided to brush out my hair.
This was in June2010.
It took two days.

I started over, and this time paid more attention to my hair as it was knotting. I kept the back, especially, seperated in to ropes of their own, and my scalp could not be more happy.
I also noticed a change in my mental attitude as i shifted more focus back on to my physical body.
Sometimes too much "neglect" is a bad thing, and makes the brain go in to a feral mode that is not always healthy.

Anyways, things were lookin good. I had about 10 naturally forming dreddies and they were doin their thing nicely.
but I had a trip coming up to SCUBA dive in the Philippines for ten days (HALLELUJIAH!! SALT WATER!!!)
and i was terrified that all my hair would matt back up again in to one massive lock.
So. I decided to Test The Waters for a couple days when I arrived and see how my hair handled.
I was correct in my worry - my hair started to tangle and twist and curl into itself..one big lock..
So, I asked some locals for help.
and before I know it, I'm in a tattoo parlour, down an alleyway, and the tattoo artist (who had amazing long healthy lookin dreads of his own) was taking a crochet hook to my hair. His name was ToTo (the whole week prior to my trip, I had been obsessing about the Wizard of Oz with a friend of mine, Synchronicity #1) - very appropriate, cuz lets face it, I haven't been in Kansas for a LONG time...
He had a full sleeve tattoo of elves, faeries, and imps - - - Elf Locks. (synchronicity #2)
Anyways.
He was very aggressive to my hair - and while most of my hair was already naturally seperated more or less - it seemed like a long process.
It cost me 7,000 Philipino Pesos. which in USD is $160...the EXACT same amount I USED to pay when I would go to the salon for a haircut and hairdye. I don't care who you are, thats synchronicity...#3.

When it was over with, my poor hair felt so abused. and i was left wondering - o shit...what have i done.
But its part of the story now, and I wanted the Islands to be a part of me and my journey forever...and now they are.
I was terrified, because I still have eight days of hard diving to do, in water that has strong currents...and I was jumping off of a high platform in to the water as well...abusing my hair further by constantly tying it back, keeping it wet all day long, and pulling a plastic mask strap over it multiple times a day...
At the end of a trip, I even swam in waterfalls, horrible weight of water beating my head and ripping at my hair.
I was SURE i would lose AT LEAST one.
I didn't.
Not yet anyways...
I expect to in the future, and I will accept that as just another part of the process and a bit of the journey.

ToTo tried his best to get my already formed locks nice and perfect and round.
He took all the kinks, bumps, twists, and shooter roots out...I didn't want this, but since he didnt speak english, and I cant say anything in Filipino except "Beautiful, I love you, can I have a beer please, thank you, have a nice day"....i decided, well shit, im here, just enjoy the ride.
And, after spending time in the water, wind, and sun, I am DELIGHTED that all those bumps and kinks and twists have re-appeared on their own, just as they used to be before all this was done...

I have roughly 45 locks now...all varying sizes, but mostly thick. 1/2 to 1 inch thick, i suppose...
And this is more or less what I would have ended up with had I let them go naturally - because my hair was already coiling up in its own sections of this size.

I've done a little work since my trip ended two weeks ago to weave in loose hair that escaped from my underwater escapades...
I've also tested them all for strength - they don't seem as fragile as they were in the first couple days, and I no longer have nightmares of waking up with all my hair left on my pillow...
I'm happy to report that they no longer look so manufactured as they did when i just got them...my hair is growing and roping on its own now.

But lets face it...
I have friends who have beautiful strong naturally formed locks - and theirs break from stress in life...
hair will fall out. hair will break.
I expect mine to do the same at some point.
I'm trying my best to adjust to what I have done - as all along I was doing so well with my commitment to do all this as natural as possible.
I'm a little dissapointed in myself for supposedly taking the easy way out...
But i love the experience i had, and i love the bond, and i love the journey.
I guess the chips will fall where they may.

I use doc bronners teatree and hemp bar soap to wash my hair now, once a week usually...
I sometimes dab some tea tree oil on my hair, sparingly...and i have some floral water i use to keep them smelling nice, or to maintain a healthy scalp.
I'm going to try out this Baking Soda stuff I keep hearing about.
about four of my locks have been blunted...I'm leaving the others As Is - most of my locks have unknotted ends of about 2-4 inches in length...and i LOVE how fast my hair seems to dry!!!! all that water just rolls right out!!!

IF I ever decide to dye my hair in the future, I will use high grade quality hennah - as I've heard this is healthy for scalp and hair...or even different herbal washes can be used to improve health and vivacity.

I will never use wax. Maybe Aloe Vera, but thats just cuz i'm in love with that plant - so useful!!

there are things I love and things I dont love about this process - but..
One thing is certain.
I am getting exactly what I asked of my locks...
I am now a What You See Is What You Get person...
and this is just one small step in the transformation process.

Please comment.
but don't judge.
I do enough Self-Judgement for the both of us
Thanks for Reading, Best Beloveds!!

i came to far -for you to bring me downi made up my mind - theyll hear me nowyou cant bribe me into silenceyou cant scare me with your violenceim to strong to be sedatedim to screwed up to become jadedi heard you apologies they make no senceyour stupid lies are just ignoranceyou may convince them but they still knowin their mind the truth will growtheyll figure out who u truly area flower will grow from this scarand in the end i will winbecause ill no longer hide your sinand you know that ill be heremaking sure no other child will live in fearbecause i refuse to go awayi refuse to let your sickness playi stand strong here infront of youand this time theres not a damn thing you can do!

i recorded a new song yesterday hope you like it=) nu r jag i mitt lilla paradis hr r jag ensam med min skrivmaskin , fr den r allt jag behver det r allt som jag saknat och ngonsin velat ha ,det ger mig styrkan att bara vara jag.utanfr blandas solen med regn i ett evigt virvarr av katastrofer igen ,. vi fick inte som vi ville vr regering satt kvar men vi ska brnna rosenbad och allt som dem har.

It's been a while since I've posted, I've been pretty busy. But I am attempting to simplify my life a bit hhere and perhaps get back to some of the things I have been meaning to take care of. Like my hair! So finally I am in the pre-dreading process. I have spent the evening sectioning out my hair - sans help and sans mirror - so I expect the dreads to be delighfully non-uniform. My arms and shoulders and fingers are already kind of sore and pretty tired, but I did manage to rip and twist and back-comb the first few. I even have a bead! lol! I love beads in dreads - so pretty. I've got a bunch of beads I am looking forward to putting in.The sections I worked on tonight are fatter and fuzzier than I expected, but they are pretty solid. At least I hope they are. I can not separate the hairs in these sections so I feel fairly confident. I am hoping that I will discover what others claim happens - and as they mature they will become tighter and less puffy. I can not really say they are thick - necessarily - because like I said - they are brand new and puffy and I'm hoping that once they really lock up they will get tighter. But since I have no idea what I'm talking about - who knows! lol!I got to say tho- I am liking the way it looks. My hubby isn't so sure tho. Oh well. He doesn't get a say in this. hahhah! Don't get me wrong, folks, I love the man dearly, but he's just not quite on board with this little adventure.I am a little worried that they will unravel instead of locking up. The ends are kind of loose, I can separate those hairs, but about a quarter of the way up, to the roots, the knots are pretty dense (for now at least) - that's where I can not separate. I remember that many people have said that locks happen when hair has the chance to move - so my roots are still fairly loose. I don't know.Anyway, since I'm doing this on my own, it's gonna take me a few days to get the whole head worked out. I suspect that my arms, fingers, and shoulders are going to really be hurtin' by the end of the week! I will post pictures as soon as I can and you all can tell me how I did. Be kind tho - this the first time I've done this to my own natural hair!Till then, blessings and joy to you all!Andelynn