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It's been a strange week.My best friend from school has stopped talking to me over a throw away comment referencing an earlier facebook status from his ex-wife. Sounds confusing...? It is!Let me take you back to the turn of the century... (that sounds ages ago... but was only 10 years!)Some of you may know this already, but I went to school in Germany for 4 years, due to my dad being in the air force. As I was starting my fourth year there, I realised I was pretty much on my own. The friends I made in the 3 years previous had all moved back to the UK or left school. So essentially, I had to start networking again!I made friends with a group of guys I sort of knew-ish, and it was about this time I fell in love.I would have gladly given the world to this girl, and I still would. Although we've drifted apart and not seen or spoken in years, she is the only person I will ever truly love.Anyway, I digress...One of this group of friends (Matt) went on to become my best friend. We started a band together, and were pretty much inseperable.Matt was going out with a girl called Ana. throughout my last year at school Matt and Ana were on/off all the time, thanks to a guy called Lee.Lee was a twat! A highly strung ball of pur emotion. He stole Ana away from Matt, and Matt took it badly. And he and Lee didn't ever get on.Anyway, the girl I fell in love with was Zoe. She never loved me back of course, but I did everything I could to make her happy. I would have done anything to see her smile. It reminded me of a pinball machine when you win a bonus game, lighting up her face in a crecendo of beauty.Me and Zoe never got together, no matter how much i wanted it!So, I left Germany and we all kept in touch for a while. Matt and Ana split up properly, and Lee moved away as well.Anyway a few months later I get a call from Matt, and he tells me that he and Zoe have got together. Obviously this completely crushed me, but as long as Zoe was happy, I didn't let on. Weeks, Months and Years past and we all lost contact. That was until the dawn of Facebook.When I first used facebook, I found Matt and Zoe, and found out that they got married and were still in Germany doing this and that. I messaged them but recieved no reply. So I let it go.Anyway a few weeks ago Zoe reverted to using her maiden name, and I found out that they split. The next thing I know Zoe is on Facebook calling Matt a coward and liar and any name under the sun!The a few hours later I read this:"Apparently the best way to tell your wife you're in a new relationship is to put it on Facebook to humiliate them in front of their family and friends."Obviously, me being concerned, I commented on this by saying: "So not only a liar and coward, but also a rotter a scoudrel and a cad! If you need a chat you know where I am."Because of this comment, Matt has now blocked me. That to me is an admision of him being a bounder and a cad. At this very point in time, I couldn't care less that he blocked me. What I do care about is how he betrayed Zoe. I now no longer consider him a friend and have no time for him at all.The message I want to send to Zoe is this:"Although you may not be having a great time right now, I want you to know that my love for you is as strong as the love of Odesyus for Penelope. I know we can never be together as you don't feel the same about me. I want you to know that although life seems bad now, you WILL find happiness. And I will make it my ongoing quest to make sure of that. I just wanted to let you know that there is someone who will always love and care for you. You own my heart, and whenever you need someone, your call is all i need to be at your side. I will fight, kill and die for you if you give the word, and anyone who crosses you will be damned at my hands. You are the one shining light in my life, and I give my word that your light will not be extinguished."I chickened out and didn't send it!I know it sounds weird that I never got over a girl i never went out with at school, but I think this could have something to do with why I have no luck with the ladies now. Everyone I meet I compare to Zoe. And they never meassure up.Maybe I need to let go.But how...?There's only one way to find out...
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My first blog entry. I always stray from my original purpose when I blog. 
It's ridiculous.I suppose I should just start out detaling my brand spanking new dreadies. I love them to pieces and they're only two weeks old. I can't imagine the love I'll feel when they're mature, but I've always been a freak about my hair. I love hair to death. In high school my friends obsessed over petting me it was so soft and wonderful. I suppose I'm doing this for a couple of reasons.First of all, I want to love myself. I want to see beauty in myself without the hype of hair products and edgy cuts. I have a lot of image problems, it started when I was very young. Many times I've bordered on developing an eating disorder, teetering on the edge. I'm glad that I was able to overcome it, but in the back of my mind I still hear that little voice saying 'You'd look better if you had developed an eating disorder. You would be thin and pretty. You wouldn't do it in excess, just enough to be pretty'. And I know how stupid it is, but I can't seem to get rid of that voice. It stems a lot from my mother. As a young girl she would tell me I was too big for certain clothes, that my hair was straggly and ugly, my face was full of zits, I had a bump in my nose...the list just goes on and on. The thing is that I was a seriously scrawny child. I had a thyroid disorder that kept me underweight and unhealthy that resulted in my entire thyroid having to be removed, along with one of my parathyroids. To this day she denies it...she denies that she was ever less than perfect in anything. I obviously have a lot of issues with my mother. See? I already lost track. Anyway, I want dreads because they are natural, they are imperfect and beautiful at the same time and I desperately want that. I want to be beautiful regardless of the fact that I'm imperfect.Secondly, I love the way that mature dreadlocks look. Like many people I didn't originally think they were a natural hairstyle, but after learning about how natural they were I wanted them.Third, I love seeing peopl with long amazing dreads that have obviously been cared for but left to do their own thing, grow the way that they want to grow...it's beautiful. I love my journey so far. I love how my dreads are helping me develop confidence in my natural self, my beautiful self. It scares me and I love it at the same time, that I'm not perfect and that even though I don't always enjoy myself, that I can look in my bathroom mirror when I'm alone, look at my hair and my face and smile a real smile. It's a hard thing for me and I can't believe this is really happening for me.Finally, I just want to treat my body well. I want to stop doing harmful things to myself. I want my dreads to help me express to myself that natural is beautiful and healthy, a physical representation of what I want to be all over. A part of this is intentional self harm. For many years I have suffered from such intense hatred of myself that I scarred my body all over, it's nothing that I'm proud of obviously. I want to stop. I feel like if I can feel good about my physical self it will help me feel good about who I am inside, and help me to develop into the person that I want to be.One day I want a child. I hope to be a mother to a beautiful little girl. I saw her in a dream at a point in my life where I thought I never wanted children. Seeing her cute little face has inspired me ever since to try my hardest to be a better person, a health person that can be a good mother. I never want to hurt my baby the way my mother hurt me.I was actually raised mostly by my grandparents. My mother has made a long list of bad choices--mostly putting herself in highly abusive situations. She got pregnant for me when she was 16 and had me at 17 to a man that was highly abusive, he even raped her, and still she stayed with him and allowed me to be with him. After he finally left her she told me she hated me, that I reminded her of him, how I spoke like him, looked like him, hurt her like him. I was six or seven when she started telling me these things. It was incredibly painful for me to be compared to my mother's rapist, when all I wanted was her love and acceptence. I had a really screwed up childhood whenever she was involved. She jumped in and out of my life and eventually married my father who is actually my step father....well, he used to be, she divorced him. The only man that ever treated her well and she divorced him. I got my little sister out of the deal and to this day that man is the most respectable wonderful father, no one could ask for a better father than him. She's been married a couple times after that, to abusers. Gary killed our cats and when he left her two of their dogs. Kevin is an abusive alcoholic, he's her current man.In response to my mother being such a poor example my grandmother obsessed over loving and protecting me. Becoming extremely overprotective and sheltering me in extreme. I love her dearly and I understand why she made the mistakes she made. She will always be my true mother and my mom hates her for it, she says my grandma stole me away from her. I just wish my mom was nicer to me. it seems like the only time she likes me is when I'm in a slump. My therapist says she likes me unhappy, that it makes her feel better than me.Damn. I really am using this blog as a diary. I guess I always end up doing this.I'm a grown up now though, and am very distanced from my mother emotionally. I try to avoid her as much as possible. I live in a nice apartment with my fiance and soul mate. Our best friend Dan is moving in with us in March and I love having him here. He's visiting right now. =)My fiance's name is Brandon and he's helped me through so many of my problems, and I've helped him in return. Our relationship is very give and take and we've been through a lot together. In the first year we knew each other he was framed for a crime by his brother in law so that his father would have to move in with him and Brandon's sister. See, Brandon's dad has a lot of social security income due to being paraplegic and neither his brother in law nor sister have jobs. He has warrants in many many locations so won't even try to get a job and his sister has no formal education, fresh out of high school. He was eventually sentenced to 5 months in jail. After his brother in law made him confess to the crime (through threat of death, we were 16 and 17 and too scared to go to the police, my mom believed him and became good friends with him adn his wife, causing further problems) he raped me. I didn't remember anything about it until this year, completely blocked it out. I had a lot of depression and anger problems after it happened but never knew why until now. I still can't remember everything, sometimes I can convince myself that it's all in my head and didn't actually happen, sometimes I don't know if it did or not.When my fiance returned to me and moved into my apartment we had a lot of relationship problems, due to our relationship being so young and him being in jail. We grew apart and he cheated on me. At first I didn't think the relationship would make it. I overdosed on prescription anti depressants. I was wrong though. It took a long time to fix our relationship, but after it was like an entirely different relationship. We trusted each other, were devoted and honest. It's been over two years since the cheating and it's honestly been great. I can't believe how happy we are, how good the life we are building is.We are both working very hard on ourselves to be better people. To be people we are proud to be. We've helped each other become better people as well, cheering each other on. We're blossoming into beautiful people that we are both proud to be.Wow...that was a lot of writing. But this is me. I'm screwed up and imperfect but striving to better myself and love myself. I'm happy to be in a place where people can help me see beauty in my natural self. Thanks guys.
It's ridiculous.I suppose I should just start out detaling my brand spanking new dreadies. I love them to pieces and they're only two weeks old. I can't imagine the love I'll feel when they're mature, but I've always been a freak about my hair. I love hair to death. In high school my friends obsessed over petting me it was so soft and wonderful. I suppose I'm doing this for a couple of reasons.First of all, I want to love myself. I want to see beauty in myself without the hype of hair products and edgy cuts. I have a lot of image problems, it started when I was very young. Many times I've bordered on developing an eating disorder, teetering on the edge. I'm glad that I was able to overcome it, but in the back of my mind I still hear that little voice saying 'You'd look better if you had developed an eating disorder. You would be thin and pretty. You wouldn't do it in excess, just enough to be pretty'. And I know how stupid it is, but I can't seem to get rid of that voice. It stems a lot from my mother. As a young girl she would tell me I was too big for certain clothes, that my hair was straggly and ugly, my face was full of zits, I had a bump in my nose...the list just goes on and on. The thing is that I was a seriously scrawny child. I had a thyroid disorder that kept me underweight and unhealthy that resulted in my entire thyroid having to be removed, along with one of my parathyroids. To this day she denies it...she denies that she was ever less than perfect in anything. I obviously have a lot of issues with my mother. See? I already lost track. Anyway, I want dreads because they are natural, they are imperfect and beautiful at the same time and I desperately want that. I want to be beautiful regardless of the fact that I'm imperfect.Secondly, I love the way that mature dreadlocks look. Like many people I didn't originally think they were a natural hairstyle, but after learning about how natural they were I wanted them.Third, I love seeing peopl with long amazing dreads that have obviously been cared for but left to do their own thing, grow the way that they want to grow...it's beautiful. I love my journey so far. I love how my dreads are helping me develop confidence in my natural self, my beautiful self. It scares me and I love it at the same time, that I'm not perfect and that even though I don't always enjoy myself, that I can look in my bathroom mirror when I'm alone, look at my hair and my face and smile a real smile. It's a hard thing for me and I can't believe this is really happening for me.Finally, I just want to treat my body well. I want to stop doing harmful things to myself. I want my dreads to help me express to myself that natural is beautiful and healthy, a physical representation of what I want to be all over. A part of this is intentional self harm. For many years I have suffered from such intense hatred of myself that I scarred my body all over, it's nothing that I'm proud of obviously. I want to stop. I feel like if I can feel good about my physical self it will help me feel good about who I am inside, and help me to develop into the person that I want to be.One day I want a child. I hope to be a mother to a beautiful little girl. I saw her in a dream at a point in my life where I thought I never wanted children. Seeing her cute little face has inspired me ever since to try my hardest to be a better person, a health person that can be a good mother. I never want to hurt my baby the way my mother hurt me.I was actually raised mostly by my grandparents. My mother has made a long list of bad choices--mostly putting herself in highly abusive situations. She got pregnant for me when she was 16 and had me at 17 to a man that was highly abusive, he even raped her, and still she stayed with him and allowed me to be with him. After he finally left her she told me she hated me, that I reminded her of him, how I spoke like him, looked like him, hurt her like him. I was six or seven when she started telling me these things. It was incredibly painful for me to be compared to my mother's rapist, when all I wanted was her love and acceptence. I had a really screwed up childhood whenever she was involved. She jumped in and out of my life and eventually married my father who is actually my step father....well, he used to be, she divorced him. The only man that ever treated her well and she divorced him. I got my little sister out of the deal and to this day that man is the most respectable wonderful father, no one could ask for a better father than him. She's been married a couple times after that, to abusers. Gary killed our cats and when he left her two of their dogs. Kevin is an abusive alcoholic, he's her current man.In response to my mother being such a poor example my grandmother obsessed over loving and protecting me. Becoming extremely overprotective and sheltering me in extreme. I love her dearly and I understand why she made the mistakes she made. She will always be my true mother and my mom hates her for it, she says my grandma stole me away from her. I just wish my mom was nicer to me. it seems like the only time she likes me is when I'm in a slump. My therapist says she likes me unhappy, that it makes her feel better than me.Damn. I really am using this blog as a diary. I guess I always end up doing this.I'm a grown up now though, and am very distanced from my mother emotionally. I try to avoid her as much as possible. I live in a nice apartment with my fiance and soul mate. Our best friend Dan is moving in with us in March and I love having him here. He's visiting right now. =)My fiance's name is Brandon and he's helped me through so many of my problems, and I've helped him in return. Our relationship is very give and take and we've been through a lot together. In the first year we knew each other he was framed for a crime by his brother in law so that his father would have to move in with him and Brandon's sister. See, Brandon's dad has a lot of social security income due to being paraplegic and neither his brother in law nor sister have jobs. He has warrants in many many locations so won't even try to get a job and his sister has no formal education, fresh out of high school. He was eventually sentenced to 5 months in jail. After his brother in law made him confess to the crime (through threat of death, we were 16 and 17 and too scared to go to the police, my mom believed him and became good friends with him adn his wife, causing further problems) he raped me. I didn't remember anything about it until this year, completely blocked it out. I had a lot of depression and anger problems after it happened but never knew why until now. I still can't remember everything, sometimes I can convince myself that it's all in my head and didn't actually happen, sometimes I don't know if it did or not.When my fiance returned to me and moved into my apartment we had a lot of relationship problems, due to our relationship being so young and him being in jail. We grew apart and he cheated on me. At first I didn't think the relationship would make it. I overdosed on prescription anti depressants. I was wrong though. It took a long time to fix our relationship, but after it was like an entirely different relationship. We trusted each other, were devoted and honest. It's been over two years since the cheating and it's honestly been great. I can't believe how happy we are, how good the life we are building is.We are both working very hard on ourselves to be better people. To be people we are proud to be. We've helped each other become better people as well, cheering each other on. We're blossoming into beautiful people that we are both proud to be.Wow...that was a lot of writing. But this is me. I'm screwed up and imperfect but striving to better myself and love myself. I'm happy to be in a place where people can help me see beauty in my natural self. Thanks guys.
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Okay so I had thin hair from the start but will getting dreads neglect/natural/freeform/organic way thin it out even more???
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well, I found out last week that I will be having a baby. This past summer I told my DH that my clock was ticking away like no bodies business! He was once again the voice of reason and convinced me that it wasn't a good time, we already have three boys, the world is going to end in 2012 and so on! lol! So I heard his words and snuggled back into the world of looking forward to my grandchildren some day and praying fervently for the wives my son's will someday find <3September came around and I found my new passion, hula hooping! It was awesome!!!(still is but you know!) I got a huge bruise on my left hip and then had my cycle for three days, it was kinda sandy too. Wierd, maybe stress? I took a test at the end of September (cheepy from Walmart just to be sure) and it was negative. October came and I went to my grandmothers wedding, it was beautiful! I also noticed that I was late. When it did come it was very lite and left promptly. I figured school and life was stressing me out!!!November comes around. I was talking to my gram on a friday, she asked me how I was doing and I paused to formulate an answer. She blurts out " That's a pregnant pause, are you pregnant???" I swore up and down that I wasn't!!! then I looked at the calendar. I decided to wait through the weekend. On Monday morning, I took kids to school and stopped by Walmart for a box of the EPT's. Got home instructed my middle son until he got on his independant studies and ran to the bathroom! first test positive.Waited an hour and a half, second test positive... Waited another hour, rechecked the tests and took the last one, positive! I called my husband from inside the closet and told him "I took three tests, all are positive, don't call or come home till you are happy about it!"He usually comes home at almost 4 pm, this day he ran in the door at 1 pm. I was in the basement I can hear him ask kids "Where's your mother?" then his heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. He ran towards me and held me in his arms.I went to the doctor the next day and then called my grandmother. When I heard her voice I knew something was wrong. We cried together for a while as she told me about her niece who had passed away over the weekend. Her long battle with Diabetes and the kidney she got from her brother. Finally the anti rejection meds had taken their toll. She was found by her best friend asleep in her apartment. My Ree Ree (gramma) has such an amazing faith! She had just returned from the funeral, or as she called it the festival of Anne's life that evening. She said she just knew she had to take my call.I didn't want to bring it up, this little Italian fire ball she got me! She said she needed to hear something else. I told her I was pregnant, she was right! Her gasp was so amazing. "God bless you my sweetest angel Pranee!" I think we cried again! then she quoted, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away!" I am so happy to know her! My life is blessed in so many ways!!! Once the tears of joy were washed away she stated that she no longer felt up to grieving her loss, only rejoycing over her blessings!Not everyone in the family will feel the same way I am sure. Some have reminded me that I "have options". Every child has a right to live.
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Well, here I am bemoaning the fact that my beloved Steelers can't seem to function right now and I decided that maybe it was a good time to try to get a couple new pics up. I am roughly at my 2 1/2 month mark, and you might not be able to really tell (my camera ran out of batteries before I could take more detailed pics) - but the middle parts of each little section are pretty solid knots. The end and the roots are loose - which I have been told is just fine and perfectly normal for the stage they are currently in. I have put a number of beads in to keep the hair out of my eyes mostly and to help some of the sections from congoing - plus, I just love beads and I have recently gotten a number of really beautiful ones.I just washed my hair a couple of hours ago and my scalp is feeling wonderful and all my little baby dreadies are nice and happy. I can not wait until my hair is long enough and the dreads mature enough to star piling on top of my head in delicious patterns and styles. These days, I pretty much keep them all wrapped up in a big sleeve thing I made out of an old shirt.SO there you go. Not much to tell, but definitely progress! 
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i just got my dreadies today. i already feel different, a spiritual awakening. i woke up this morning and felt wonderful and so happy with who i was. i feel as if my dreadlocks are bringing out my inner beauty it's only the first day and i can already sense a change. i can only wait to see what the future holds with my dreadlocks
it's only the first day and i can already sense a change. i can only wait to see what the future holds with my dreadlocks
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So wanted to know if anyone had to leave their job from there dreads. I just lost my glass eye so boss wont work with me and im thinking its alittle more then what she is pressing on. Anyone go some advise good or bad?
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Hey, so I am new to the dreading community- I don't even know someone personally with them- and I want to create scattered dreads that are kind of loose throughout my hair. I do not want my whole head (yet) covered with these beautiful locks. I'm going for the "just mingling with the normal hair" dread look. I am planning to use the twist and rip method and am looking for ANY advice as to how to begin and what to do. I have thin, long (haven't cut it since june 2009), straight hair and don't know how thick I should do each dread or how to do it best. Any help would be greatfullyyyyy appreciated...I am SO excited for this new hair chapter in my life. Thanks!p.s. now I'm really going to get crap for being a "hippie" haha
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Can anyone gives sum advice on how to thicken my roots. I have new growth dats growin it seem like I need more. My hair is kind of a soft grade an the texture of the roots feel soft
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I just got my dreads 4 days ago in Bangkok and I LOVE them. I've been wanting them for like 2 years and I finally got them. I was on half term holiday until yesterday and when I got to school EVERYONE was telling me how good I looked etc etc. I just found out today that they're "inappropriate for school" or something pathetic like that. She even said to me that the uniform needs to keep the students looking as "normal as possible" and that my hair was "too extreme". So I've got to keep my hair up whenever I'm at school and let my normal hair grow in and then cut the dreads off. I'M SO FREAKING PISSED. How is a hairstyle going to affect anything or anyone at school????? And I could just keep them in a pony tail and make them look neat but NOOOOOO I HAVE TO GET RID OF THEM.Sorry guys, I needed to have a bit of a rant.
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