Defibrillator, Adrenaline and you.
Dated- 15.08.2007It was exactly this moment, ninety days ago that I was lying in a room painted red. Maybe it was the pain pulsating in my chest that made everything seem red or maybe it was my bleeding eyes.My lungs felt like they were made of sandpaper, scraping my insides and it burnt. Excruciating aftershocks of pain rendered me motionless as I lay there, a rubble of myself. Two aura floated around me and I clutched my moms hand. "I want to stay."All this commotion around me, made me more scared. I saw faces after faces,all of them unknown, staring at me.It is not that I have ever been afraid of unknown but I wanted to leave, looking in eyes of someone familiar.I felt a sharp stab in my arm and my heart started racing again. My body was set on fire and I contorted like old branches of Banyaan trees.Hot liquid blobs of water, streamed out of my eyes and the rusted Iron maidens gripped grew tighter. I was drowning in open air. I was burning in mediterranean sea. I was bleeding in a velvet room. I was exploding in a safe.And then, it stopped.Faces became unrecognizable, voices seemed distant and the pain turned into blue fire.It felt like I was standing in an open field, with strong wind blowing against me and suddenly someone put a glass dome over me. I still saw them but I wasnt there.I was waiting to see the light. I was waiting to travel through a tunnel. Instead I saw eyes. Big brown eyes burning under disappointment. Black tears dripped down and became ash. I have known these eyes, since I opened mine. Maybe that is why I saw it today before I closed mine forever. Maybe I saw it because I had known the flood of black tears was coming. Did you see I bled red even before the flood came?It doesnt matter now anyways. I will never have a chance to tell you anything, even though there is so much to say, so much to show.But the eye stayed. It looked at me with a telekynetic attraction and I felt I had support. I could stand up. The world swirled arond me but this eye kept staring at me from the book cover.I was now standing directly under a maelstrom and the current was pulling me down. And then someone switched off the light.Getting your body tossed around in complete darkness can be scary but I didnt get scared. I saw hundreds of those eyes, in this dark pond bubbling to the surface, asking me to follow it.I was still feeling like a puppet of some back-alley puppeteer from Phat Island, when I glowed. A strange kind of pain radiated through my hand and I shone for a second. The light illuminated the water and I saw black jellyfishes coming towards me. I shone again and now my arm burnt. Silver wound appeared on it and started spreading everywhere. The water felt hotter and hotter as it touched my skin when I was suddenly a feather.A hawk feather blowing on mountain tops, riding the wind, going higher than the bird has ever been. The warm sunlight was pleasing to my eyes and there was no pain.Time jumped and made me a stone. Heavy as lead, I was falling down the sky and I could hear people again. People who open their mouths because they just want to say something. I heard glasses clanking and electricity seared through me.I was on the bed again, writhing in pain. I was every electron of the power surging through me, branching into my veins. I felt my body being formed again. I felt every bone rattling and muscles forming to cushion them.I sank in to my bed like a deflated balloon. The defibrillators sound slowly died down as my heartbeat grew louder.Reasons. An illusion to make yourself content with what just happened. But I couldnt find any. It made no sense to me.If its the survival of the fittest, I can assure you Im not one of the fittest. Im certainly not the smartest. So Why?I woke up in this world again, screaming a name. I have never trusted myself with anything, but dead bodies never lie. Words get twisted in this world, intentions get lost over fibre optic cables and doing the bravest thing makes you look like you are the weakest, but eyes never lie. My body has never lied. Neither has yours.Its funny that I had to die once to know about life. But I can tell you now, if you ask me.Life is just a fleeting moment you spend backstage, before the curtain is pulled and you face an audience expecting so much from you. Best thing to do in this situation is close your eyes as you feel your fingers tapping on the metal strings and rev up the distortion. Music will flow just about right and you will be creating something that cannot be seen but only be heard. Keep playing till there are puddles of lactic acid in your body, forcing you to stop. But dont. Listen to me, Dont stop playing.The show can stop any second and the exit will be to your right. The audience will go home and wont even talk about you while having their dinner. But between that moment and this, keep tapping your fingers and creating things thats invisible but more real than this life we lead.Thanks you