Day 5: Life and Locks Happen/Against the Grain
It's been five days since I freed my hair. Seeing it's length and assuming it's quality, I quickly decided that my hair was going to be the kind of hair that would fight locking, slip and slide, wake up straight and smooth for six months. I'm relieved to say that I think I was wrong in my assumptions.
I am like an over eager rabbit, which disturbs me slightly. I have thrown myself into reading everything I can on this site and thinking constantly (though very happily) about the "process" of ALLOWING my hair to be natural. This is a contradictory concept. Process...of allowing... something to be natural. It's only a process to the psyche that has to release control... It's only a process of nature, and only a process to ourselves because we have strayed so far from releasing to nature. So I'm not going through a process... the universe is. All I am doing is releasing my egoic sense of being able to control life through the reflection of letting my hair go free. So the fact that I am an overeager rabbit, wanting to know how I can do this faster or that faster... I know it's completely going against the whole point. The point is letting go and letting God... and I just find my mind doesn't want to. Shrug. That will be changing as I walk my path.
One thing that has coincided with this decision is that I'm going back to therapy today for the first time since I moved to a new state. I moved back in November and it is now March. I was in counseling and treatment for a year prior to the move, for bipolar disorder among many other weird little psychological issues and insecurities. The biggest problem I have had in my life has been that I am too hard on myself. When I hear that spoken aloud it doesn't ring right with the ears, as though I'm afraid that statement will be judged by you, the reader, as a cop out for a biggest problem. (erase erase erase that thought real quick.....Om Mani Padme Hum!)
The truth is, I haven't loved myself properly... therefore can't believe that I am loved by others. I have beat my psyche to a bloody pulp for many years, and over the last year after a huge breakdown, I found that I could... that I did have the power to get on the other side of this wall I've been building for so long.
Another issue I have is that I am a powerful empath and very affected by the energies around me. I am an energy worker and have so much information... but I haven't been doing the WORK. The meditation daily, the grounding, shielding, cleaning, strengthening of the chakras, blessing, chanting, praying, writing, being outside... Feeding my self. My self is starving and my mind is a glutton. I'm a sucker for mental stimulation, and obsession fits comfortably in my mind. I really want to find that the choice I have made about hair will actually improve the quality of my life, and improve the strength of my spirit and my energy.
I have read on and on about the natural hair of mystics, warriors, gurus, and psychics, and am hoping for a big "Wow!" experience. Which is, as I stated earlier about the hair "process," completely against the point. I am a Shaman and I do seek the source of the universe through "spiritual ecstasies." I have had spiritual ecstasies and peaks through healing modes, intense meditation, extreme traumas, and drug experiences. I'm seeing that locks are not about a spiritual ecstasy. They are not anything about instant gratification or a rush of magic. They are the magic of the every day, and of allowing life to unwinds timelessly. They are not about WAITING. They are about HAPPENING.
So this is Day 5. My first day back to therapy. My fifth day obsessing mentally on absorbing everything I can about locks. My sixth day of a hypomanic state. An unnumbered day of trying not to go against the grain.
But let's forget time for just a little while. Let's just... let life happen... right now.