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My judgmental and non supportive family ..
Today I am just drained and mentally exhausted. My brain has so many jumbled up thoughts, that I don't even know where to start this blog at. I apologize ahead of time if this makes no sense. It could quite possibly just end up being a crazy rant of sorts.
I thought my mom would have no problem with my dreads. My whole life she's known what a creative spirit I am. She has always been my biggest supporter, and never let me down. So I didn't think to ask her if she mined if I gave myself dreads. I am 26, a grown women with a husband and a 4 year old son. I have a great job, manage to pay all my bills on time, take care of my family and pets. Basically, I have my stuff together. It wasn't always this way for me, I had a rough childhood and some pretty wild teenage years. My Mom was by my side through all of the hell I put her through, and she always had my back no matter what. Anyway, The night after I did my partial TnR's, I was at work, on a smoke break. My phone started ringing and it was my mom. While chatting a bit about nothing in particular, I mentioned to her that I finally gave myself some dreads, after wanting them for SO long. The other end of the phone became immediately silent. I asked what was wrong, and she said, "you have never disappointed me with anything you've done ever, until now." I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart (I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but really that's how it felt). She then went on to say that she couldn't believe that I would ruin my "beautiful" hair like that. Out of our family my brother and I got the "good" hair, and he shaves his bald. How could I tie mine up in knot's? Anyway, A few days later I asked her to come out to dinner with my son and I. When she saw my dreads, I asked her what she thought. She said they looked okay the way they are, and told me to never dread my whole head. She wanted me to just leave them the way they were with my other hair still not dreaded. Today I went to her house to visit and help out in her yard for a while. I said, I'm going to dread the rest of my head, please understand that this means a lot to me. She basically made me feel like shit. I wont go into any of the details of the words she used because it's really unnecessary, but she ended with, "I will disown you if someone in public asks if you're my daughter". Another stab in the heart, and I was fighting back the tears. Once she realized that I was getting really upset she said "you do what you want, I just don't like them".
I never thought I would be so changed by my dreadlocks. I mean sure, I was expecting to change physically from them, but I never in a million years thought my dreads would change me on the inside. This was something I never could have prepared for. It's like I found myself, who I was always meant to be. I feel so truly happy for once in my life and I can't share that happiness with anyone, because everywhere I turn I have condescending attitudes and judgmental opinions.
My husband doesn't necessarily like my decision to dread, but he would never tell me not to. I know he would rather me not dread my hair, but he wont say the things my mom said. Whether he thinks the same way or not.
I wont take my dreads out just because people I love don't like them. I just wish there was some way to make my mom see past the dreads, and realize that my hair does not make me who I am. I wish she would take a minute to see how truly happy I am, and how comfortable I feel in my own skin now.
The only support I get is from a few girls at work. I just wish more people were open minded.
If anyone has been through something similar, and has any suggestions on how to deal with this, please help me. I love my mom dearly. I don't want to lose her over this, but at this point I can't go back to who I was before, for the sake of myself.
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Comment
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vip supporters Comment by Sarah Weathers on May 1, 2012 at 5:19am -
i understand and relate to your story. and my heart goes out to you :( i am 29 years old so yup a grown woman, and my dad has been awful about my dreads. really mean. but sometimes it does just take some time - i mean this reaction happened when i was 18 and shaved my head. i'm also COVERED in tattoos. i give a LOT for my family to digest ;) anyway - i've learned to be calm and just say something that just disarms. like "i'm really sorry you feel that way. but my hair doesn't change who i am. your reactions to my hair aren't a reflection on me, it is a reflection on you." because it is. judgmental views are not a statement about who the person is judging, it is a statement about the character of the person judging. she will come around. my parents have flipped their lids many times due to me tattooing my whole body including hands and neck... and lots of other things. and now they're over it. it took time. but it changed. it will be ok. i'm sorry. i know it hurts to hear your family being negative. i get it :(
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hair-scalp health experts Comment by Stephani on April 30, 2012 at 10:20am -
HAHA Valerie, you are funny! I will just give her some time.
James- Thanks for the advice, and I'll definitely keep that in mind :)
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vip supporters Comment by James Turk on April 29, 2012 at 11:13pm -
As far as people mocking you if they do, it's because they are jealous of you. You represent true freedom and have the guts to show it, they have to make themselves feel like they are better than you, and to do that they make fun. Try not to get mad at them, feel sorry for them because they don't have the confidence that you do
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crafty crafters Comment by Valérie on April 29, 2012 at 11:08pm -
Hey Stephani, you are a hair stylist. Next time she says anything just tell her, "your in hair shock right now and you will get used to it." :P
All fun aside though, I think it would be nest to not encourage her comments until she gets used to it all. It hurts to hear things like this and asking is an invitation. Wait a year or two and say, "see? Not so bad, eh?" :)
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vip supporters Comment by James Turk on April 29, 2012 at 11:01pm -
Very, very sad. Dreading for me is many things, one of those things is it's my way of standing up against judgemental people and standing next to those you can't control being different.
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hair-scalp health experts Comment by Stephani on April 29, 2012 at 10:55pm -
James that is such a true statement. It is unfortunately sad that some people would think that way. :(
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vip supporters Comment by James Turk on April 29, 2012 at 10:47pm -
Yeah, it may be a never ending battle. I always wanted to ask people, "if you judge me for being different because I want to be, do you also judge people who can't control being different?
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hair-scalp health experts Comment by Stephani on April 29, 2012 at 10:45pm -
I knew going into this that I would be judged more then I ever have been in my life. I'm okay with it. I just hope that some day my family will learn to be okay with it too. ya know?
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hair-scalp health experts Comment by Stephani on April 29, 2012 at 10:43pm -
Yeah I'm not really worried about getting along with the teachers or parents at his school, or really anywhere in general. I usually have no problems talking to people. It doesn't bother me if strangest want to think things about me because of my dreads, I know the truth. It's family, who know that I am a good person, and yet think having dreads will make me bad. LOL I'm probably entering a never ending battle.
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crafty crafters Comment by Valérie on April 29, 2012 at 10:35pm -
My son goes to school (he's 7) and the school he goes to is pretty uppity. I talk to only a couple of other parents there but I have noticed that they would sooner snub you, not for your hair but, for your lack of PTA affiliation. :P
The kids aren't going to care and the parents can not stop them from socializing at school. Just put on your smile and start talking and they start to realize that you are one hip chicky and share more in common with them than they thought. :)
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