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Panterra Caraway

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Location: La Verne, CA
Zipcode: 91750
Country: US

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Going on a fateful trip...

2010-07-09
By: Panterra Caraway
Posted in:
Okay, so here it is...I will be going to Utah on Friday July 16th. I am going to visit my youngest daughter. My daughter Blaze is 11 and lives in a facility, she has been gone since May 4, 2009. Blaze is Bi-Polar and in the past has been very violent. She used to beat me and my other two daughters daily. When we painted her room after she left there were 65 holes in the wall. She was taken out of public school at one point and put into a school for the emotionally disturbed where she was suspended for beating her teacher. I am condensing this for space, but let me say that if you have not had this challenge in your life you might not be able to understand how bad it got. Our house is a loving home. There is no abuse or addiction and not one has ever hurt Blaze. Her dad and I have been married 18 years. We have tried everything, the only choice we were left with was to send her to a facility...that, or to lose our other kids because of the violence in the home or lose Blaze to the juvenile system. Anyway, I have been to Utah three times to visit her and this will be my fourth. The problem is that in addition to the stress of having to leave my daughter once again at the conclusion of the visit I have to be in Utah. Utah is a beautiful state, but from my experience, the people have been mean and small minded. Although I try to be unaffected, I still very much am. They sneer at me and are down right hostile, even the clerks in stores are hateful. I know that it stems from the fact that I have tattoos and bright red hair and I don't dress the way they do there. The population is very much Mormon. I do not want to criticize anyone's faith ( I am Jewish), but they don't even know me and they act like they hate me and it begins as soon as I get there until I leave...and it is everywhere but at my daughter's school! Now, here I am in a tam! How do I stay happy and focused and unaffected? I feel overwhelmed and emotional, even against my own better judgement. By the way, as you can imagine..my decision to dread sprang out of this life altering experience. After Blaze left I had finally a moment of peace and clarity and I desperately needed to do something for myself. I want you all to know that each person here that has reached out in even the smallest way has helped me to find comfort and begin to heal. Thank you and bless each of you.
new dreddie
08/20/10 08:48:18PM @new-dreddie:
Hi,Wow! I am sorry that you are going through so much with your daughter. Sounds like Utah is a very horrible place to live if you look different (dreads, tats, skin color, etc). Is there a way that your daughter can be placed at a facility near your home? Do people make insulting comments to you?TAKE CARE AND PEACE!:)

Emberanna
07/09/10 08:14:49PM @emberanna:
Be at peace with yourself. You know the reasons you are dreading and you know that you are strong because you have endured so much already. Where you are going is not your home and it does not matter what these strangers think. You are there for a purpose and will soon be among friends again.And you are a good mom for finding a place where your daughter can get the help she needs.All my love-E

Jessie Carr
07/09/10 10:24:14AM @jessie-carr:
*hug*that is so sad.I hope Blaze will maybe oneday sort herself out. It so suprising that someone so young could be like that for no reason at all =[Stay strong! you and your family.

Heather Gamble
07/09/10 10:17:37AM @heather-gamble:
wow sista thats a lot to handle! you must be a very strong woman i cant imagine making the decision to be seperated from your child but it sounds as if it was for the best....i cant imagine wat you are going through...and you know those people dont know you and " people who mind dont matter ...and people who matter dont mind"hold your head high ma,you got a lot to be proud of! espescially yourself for being able to be as strong as you have! blessings to you love!

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