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Nichole Currier

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Location: Ballston Spa, NY
Zipcode: 12020
Country: US

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The personal, becoming not so personal =\

2011-10-07
By: Nichole Currier
Posted in:

Just to start, is it weird that I'd rather look to other people, than to the people who love and care about me in real life? Oh well here goes =\

A lot of crazy shit has happened in the past few months, between, my "father" being a scumbag, my uncle being a scumbag, finding out I'm having another baby on the way, and a bunch of shit that I wouldn't even know where to start on explaining it all. But that isn't what this is about, it's only the start of it.

When I was 10 I like many other people have been diagnosed with a bunch of crazy things. Ranging from Depression, to OCD, to bulimia, to schizophrenia. I have been in and out of inpatient programs from the ages of 10-17. I've recovered a TON since I had my first daughter, minus random panic attacks, and freak outs.. until recently. I've been blacking out for.. I'm not sure how long, but I've been aware that something has been wrong for about a week now. I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed, but I'm afraid to talk about it to my family, and fiance. I'm afraid they're going to make me go back to therapy.. Well I'm not so much afraid of therapy, but afraid they will take my daughter away, and my son when he's born. My moms side of the family is sensitive, I wouldn't say psychic, but we feel strong spirits, when they want to be felt, and pick up on strong energies. My daughter is 1 and a half, and when I was pregnant with her, everything was a lot more intense. She's very open to my great grandmother who passed when I was no older than 4. I'm not sure if since I'm pregnant again, that's why all of this is happening, and I'm just more open, and I'm feeding off other energies, or if it's my illness sneaking back up on me again. I've never been afraid of picking up on spirits, but this is scaring the SHIT out of me. I obviously don't know how I act when I black out, but it's been obviously bad enough that I've been hospitalized many times over it. My biggest fear is losing my children. I'm afraid of opening up and talking about it, or even writing in a journal, out of paranoia, and fear that someone else will read it, and confront me about it. I don't like talking about it, which is why I'm quite baffled I am writing about it now. Especially to a bunch of people who don't know me, but I think that's why I can post it here.. Because none of you really do know me. I don't have to worry about being judged (good or bad) by a bunch of strangers, because I couldn't change the way any of you felt about me, cause you don't feel anything for me. Not sure if any of that made sense, and I think I'm writing this more for myself, than any of you, so I don't really care if any of this made sense. I'm not looking for pity, or consoling, but raw off the record advice, or for people to let me know if they've been in a similar situation, and what they do/did. I'm lost at this point, I'm afraid of myself, I'm afraid for my children, and I don't know where to go from here. I've been sitting here looking at this after it's all been typed (exception for this sentence) wondering if I should even press send, but decided I have more to gain, than to lose.

☮ soaring eagle ॐ
10/27/11 11:22:44PM @soaring-eagle:

well guess what your opening up and getting personal made your blog the most popular this month wich won u a free tam in our blogathon so message me and we'll get ya your tam


Nichole Currier
10/14/11 12:40:02PM @nichole-currier:

@anouk- thank you, and i don't think it's so much taboo, it can just be hard to talk about you know?

@sunshine- I never really thought about it that way, <3

@ashr- it's nice to know that there are still places that exist that care more for other people, than just the money the're getting out of it. I think that's one of my biggest concerns when going to a therapist.

I did talk to a doctor like everyone suggested, and they did what i figured they would do, asked a bunch of questions, and previous health questions, and other things, and referred me to a therapist. I used to go to the same place they referred me to when I was younger, but I didn't like it, so I'm going to "shop" around for a therapist I like/feel comfortable with.. Thank you to everyone. I will keep updates on here for my progress, on finding someone, then how I've been doing. I hope everyone who is in therapy/has the same issues, or similar, can find their way. If anyone needs to talk I'm here to listen, I really appreciate all of you to no end! <3 Much love to you all.


ashr
10/14/11 09:09:05AM @ashr:
It's not strange at all to rather tell people that aren't really close to you about your worries, perfectly normal. It helps a lot to get advice from people that have no preconceptions about you. Only advice I can give is to find a therapist that you can really trust (not very easy I know, I went through about 10 till I found one that could help me) and take it from there. I'm sure you know by now that there won't be a quick fix. You need someone that can walk the road with you to try to find out what's wrong and what to do to sort it out. I don't know how much money you have, therapists are very expensive, but here where I stay there are state hospitals that allow you to pay what you can and still give you treatment. Those doctors don't earn a lot of money, which is why I rather go to them, because obviously they're not there for the money, they're there because they want to help. Lots of love <3 <3 <3

Sunshine
10/12/11 08:51:58AM @sunshine:

I am so sorry to hear all of that, life sucks sometimes, but the best advice I can give you IS therapy. I am in therapy right now and knowing that my therapist is like a journal that NO ONE can look at. I used to keep journals all the time but family and friends would get nosy and look at them, which pissed me off to no end!!! but now i have my therapist i can talk to and she can't tell ANYONE what i am saying to her, i love it. I hope things get better for you! You are in my thoughts, much love xoxo


Nichole Currier
10/08/11 05:33:04PM @nichole-currier:

Thank you Hippiegal, and everyone else, i really appreciate all of the advice, and being able to open up here, I will most definitely look more into all of this, I hope others can read this and get help for themselves also


hippiegal
10/08/11 05:15:54PM @hippiegal:

That sounds awful, SJ, I hope it'll never happen again. No medical mj down here either, I had a friend with MS and another trying to cope with the side effects of HIV treatment, both using weed illegally, at risk of criminal conviction.

Nicholedon't let all this spook you. If you sense a problem and take the right action, you're still in controlno matter how people see you or what they think. You opened up to us on this forumI hope these answers are of some use. I still recommend you see a doctor and insist on a thorough check-up, scans, etc. It might show up the problem. It'll also show others you're a responsible person, and a responsible person is a good parent.

Hugs and best wishes to you - stay strong! :)


☮ soaring eagle ॐ
10/08/11 11:23:02AM @soaring-eagle:

anouk what meds meds that affect your nervouse system can have the scariest withdrawl symptoms i take meds for spasticity (no medical mj in this state dammit) when i ranm out for 4 days i was in pure hell i helt a "pop" in my adams apple 1st that just felt odd then over many hours felt this wiggling inside my neck like a worm growing burrowing eating its way through wrapping around my throught inside making it hard to swallow and breathe then it went down into my chest (it felt like it wa stu=ill connected to the entry point in my throught) =i felt it moving in my chest cavity then the worse was it entered my spine and kept trying to get into my brain it felt so real it felt like i could make it recoil by pressing in where i felt its head was i even felt like it bit through th skin into my finger when i did for 4 days i was trying to unwrap it from my throught and was fighting it to keep it away from my brain then i had what i guess was seizures

missing a dose or 2 of some meds can have serius consequences..no fun at all

i had no blackouts but shit was happening that felt so real i thought i had some sort of exotic parasyte eatting me from the inside

its called tactile halucinations and its no fun


☮ soaring eagle ॐ
10/07/11 10:06:45PM @soaring-eagle:

absolutely related

ok years ago in oregon i helped this woman with her son cause he for some reason connected with me in a way (he thought i was his brother) he had a bad brain injury

when 1 eye focused on you he was sweeet as can be but just wanted to eat constantly and would forget eatting as soon as he finnished eating when the other eye focused on you u had to watch out hed be very angry verbaly and physicaly attack you

it just mattered which side of his brain was in control at the momment your husbands brain injury could certainly cause the same ort of disconnection between right and left brain and the 1 side has no recolection of what the other sides done


☮ soaring eagle ॐ
10/07/11 09:38:59PM @soaring-eagle:

ok most common causes

medication reaction or side effect

2 diferent types of epilepsy with or without seizures

intoxication (ofcourse)

transient global amnesia

the last 1 seems most likeky however its typicaly a 1 time thing not recurring so maybe epileptic in nature

which may explain why her hubby has reduced eopisides when not srressed


☮ soaring eagle ॐ
10/07/11 09:22:29PM @soaring-eagle:

id definayely talk to a dr ..a specialist cause there are probably dozen of odd yet rare conditions that could cause it i'll do a lil research myselfextacy can for sure cause u to lose memory but typicaly u just forget everythuing and that usualy clears up slowly within a year after quitting

i knew 1 girl who couldnt remember how to dress herself and got lost inches from her own front door

but your symptoms more closely remind my of something simular to neurolugical issues some of which can even be viral

or..

believe it or not toxic mold in your walls can cause weird issues

let me see what i can find


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