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Jeffree Vega.


Location: Glasgow
Country: GB


Blogs: 1
images: 14

It feels like I'm going backwards.

By: Jeffree Vega.
Posted in:
Okay, so for the past 19 months I've been suffering from peurperal psychosis (a rare and extreme form of post natal depression). 8 days after she was born, I was sectioned and then a couple of days later I got moved to a mother and baby mental health unit so that my daughter could be with me. We were there for three months. On the day we left, we were promised so much help, which lasted all of 3 weeks. Over this time I've tried numerous medications, relaxations and even going natural, but nothing seemed to help. I've basically been trapped in my hown, and my own thoughts, for nearly two years now.3 months ago I was put on a new medication and from the first day I took it, I could feel the difference. I was more upbeat, more positive. I even wanted to start going out again. That was a huge step forward for me as the outside world seems so daunting and fearfull.Today, that isn't the case.I've felt it building up over this past week, but today it has all came crashing down on me again. I just want to cry. Bury myself in my sadness. Crawl under a rock. Anything to get away from it all. I'm finding it hard to cope with Georgia too. It's like she's finding every little thing she can do to make me feel worse. Of course, I don't take it out on her. I never would. But it can be very grating to keep myself together when all I want to do is scream and wollow in self pity.The loneliness is a great deal of my problem too. I feel like I'm on my own. No one to talk to. No one to help me try and focus on something other than my thoughts.It's hard when your family doesn't understand either. They all think I should be fine by now. That I should just put a smile on my face and get on with it. Like that's going to make all the sadness, anxiety and anger melt away. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work like that. I couldn't even remeber the last time anyone came to give me a little help. As selfish as it sounds, neither of my sisters work so where is the harm in helping out a little? I've always helped them in times of need. Especially when it comes to their children.I'll go for now. Try and get through the day without breaking, but it was good to get some things off my chest.
Jeffree Vega.
08/13/10 11:13:46AM @jeffree-vega:
It's a bit of both, as well as the psychosis I also have post traumatic stress so as much as medication should be a help, therapy would help me alot too.I've been putting the strain on the people who were supposed to give me all the help for over a year and still nothing has come of it. It's like I'm at a dead end.I live in Scotland. We only have one hospital that deals with my kind of problems and to be honest, they are completely useless. They give you so much hope when you are there, but as soon as you leave, you don't hear from them again

☮ soaring eagle ॐ
08/13/10 11:04:30AM @soaring-eagle:
ok i need to ask something this particular it a chemical imballance brought on by the hormonal changes or sokmething or is it situational depression caused by eventsif its the 1st then yea meds and finding the right med would ne worth persuing but if its situational meds will cover the symptom without addressing the puds filled wounds beneath the bandaidif thats the case a clear head able to think is best with the best support u can geti believe u should be in therapy ot medicatesdgetting in home support toowhere do u live?

Jeffree Vega.
08/13/10 10:43:40AM @jeffree-vega:
It truly is. It's certainly one of a kind

08/13/10 09:31:55AM @recoverytrouble:
Hey you're always welcome. You know you can count on this place to have a heap of ears to speak to and shoulders to lean on. It's an amazing place.

Jeffree Vega.
08/13/10 09:27:28AM @jeffree-vega:
That sounds like a really good idea. I had thought about doing a tattoo to signify all that i've been through, but i've got so many now that I feel it wouldn't mean the same as having something I could carry around with me, like you a suggested, a nice rock. Something that shows power and strength.You're right about me not wanting to give up. Sometimes it does feel like it, but i could never do that to my daughter. She's the one thing that keeps me going through out the days. I'd hate to do something stupid and have her growing up thinking that it was her fault.It does feel good to vent too. When I talk to my family about it, they can empathise, but they can't sympathise so I find it better putting it out there in black and white where I can look at and it means it's always there for me to see and look back on.Everyone here has been great and I'm so glad to be around such caring and thoughtful people, even if it is just through a screenThank you (:

08/13/10 08:47:30AM @recoverytrouble:
I may be talking out of my arse here but I believe knowing you have an issue or problem and being able to openly confront it is a very positive step. Your words don't give the impression that you're about to give up anytime soon and that you really just needed to do some venting. Try to take a little time out each day to recharge that strength and remind yourself why you are able to go on and on. I have a tattoo that reminds me of a time in my life when I needed to count on myself to be strong. It's purely a visual aid but it works to this day. Maybe you could carry a pretty rock in your pocket or anything really, just to keep the idea fresh and visible that you can bear through the tough and come out on the other side.

Jeffree Vega.
08/13/10 07:37:40AM @jeffree-vega:
"Remember just like a wound...everything will always get worse before it gets better. But it will get better"That is very well put (:It's something I really have to remember when I'm having a bad day because sometimes it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel.I'm very glad I found this site. Everyone is so understanding and friendly. It is very rare to get such a large group of people from different backrounds and cultures that doesn't jusge people. This place is one of a kind.I have to admit that since having my locks, I have found that I have more strength in me. People can be very harsh, even loved ones, when you don't follow the mainstream approach to looks and normally that would hurt me, but lately I've been taking it with a pinch of salt and letting it just go in one ear and out the other.Thank you so much for your kind words.I wish you all the best in whatever you do (:

Amazing Grace
08/13/10 07:23:11AM @amazing-grace:
Well, I am over-joyed that you decided to have dreads and that you found this website!There are tons of kind people here and lots of them decided to dread because they were going through tough times and dreads symbolize strength and empowerment.You can always let things off your chest here. Things will get better as long as you keep fighting! Nothing worth having is ever easy and that includes happiness. Welcome to the site sister! and remember just like a wound...everything will always get worse before it gets better. But it will get better.

Jeffree Vega.
08/13/10 06:40:49AM @jeffree-vega:
Thank you so much.I'm sorry to here that you have been suffering too.I've been training to be a tattoo artist too and when I'm doing tattoos, it really does take my mind of things, I feel like I'm in a completely different world, but sadly, that only lasts so long.It's go to know there is others out there who know how I feel. It's always better when you know you're not alone in the world.Part of the reason I decided to get dreadlocks was because I felt that if I was going to get better, I wanted to feel more like myself and be better in tune with myself. I hope it helps me as much as it helps you

Hannah D
08/12/10 12:21:32AM @hannah-d:
im so sorry to hear this, i wish that everything gets better, i know what you mean, i have been through depression and resorted to drugs to cope with everything, and in ways it has been very dangerous, although im almost out of that issue, it still lurks around, i just try to be postive about everything and understand that life will take its windy turns no matter what. i try to look forward to my goals of becoming a tattoo artist and living life.. in a way my dreadlocks have been great therapy. they have taught me patcence, love and make me feel better, more comfortable with myself.i really hope n pray that everything gets better for you.**Smile sunshine youve got brighter days ahead

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