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Jeffree Vega.

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Location: Glasgow
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Country: GB

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It feels like I'm going backwards.


By Jeffree Vega., 2010-08-11
Okay, so for the past 19 months I've been suffering from peurperal psychosis (a rare and extreme form of post natal depression). 8 days after she was born, I was sectioned and then a couple of days later I got moved to a mother and baby mental health unit so that my daughter could be with me. We were there for three months. On the day we left, we were promised so much help, which lasted all of 3 weeks. Over this time I've tried numerous medications, relaxations and even going natural, but nothing seemed to help. I've basically been trapped in my hown, and my own thoughts, for nearly two years now.3 months ago I was put on a new medication and from the first day I took it, I could feel the difference. I was more upbeat, more positive. I even wanted to start going out again. That was a huge step forward for me as the outside world seems so daunting and fearfull.Today, that isn't the case.I've felt it building up over this past week, but today it has all came crashing down on me again. I just want to cry. Bury myself in my sadness. Crawl under a rock. Anything to get away from it all. I'm finding it hard to cope with Georgia too. It's like she's finding every little thing she can do to make me feel worse. Of course, I don't take it out on her. I never would. But it can be very grating to keep myself together when all I want to do is scream and wollow in self pity.The loneliness is a great deal of my problem too. I feel like I'm on my own. No one to talk to. No one to help me try and focus on something other than my thoughts.It's hard when your family doesn't understand either. They all think I should be fine by now. That I should just put a smile on my face and get on with it. Like that's going to make all the sadness, anxiety and anger melt away. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work like that. I couldn't even remeber the last time anyone came to give me a little help. As selfish as it sounds, neither of my sisters work so where is the harm in helping out a little? I've always helped them in times of need. Especially when it comes to their children.I'll go for now. Try and get through the day without breaking, but it was good to get some things off my chest.
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