Well I asked my roomie to come home at some point today so I could talk to her about something... it's been two hours since she said she would be home a little later... ANYWAY what I plan on talking to her about is if everything is okay... last night she went out with our mutual friends.. big group kind of thing... I didnt get so much as a text message to even see if I was busy. Then I see them all posting how much fun they were having on facebook and I'm like wtf. Now she knows I dont have much money but don't assume I cant afford to go. I just get the feeling like she is avoiding me. Two days ago I heard her and her boyfriend awake in her room. I got up to go pee and there is no way you can't hear when one of us leaves our rooms because the doors are loud... well I was flushing when they walked out of her room and by the time I pulled up my pants and washed my hands they were out the door with it locked and long gone.. it was like they bolted out of the house to avoid talking to me. So I spent the rest of that day and the next day at my parents house and she didnt even come home this weekend except to do her hair for work. My mom suggested I move back home so I can save my rent money for a year and have the ability to move somewhere else (a different state) if I want. While I was at my parents I got super depressed and just had the gut feeling I didnt want to move back there so I made my mom take me home. After a screaming and crying match over my disbelief that my little brother isnt doing drugs anymore. I even asked my roomie and my ex if they could come get me to take me back here. She told me she was working until 10 I said no worries I am home now and I heard NOTHING from her til this morning in response to my text about her coming home so I could talk to her about something. So now it's 2 pm she most likely has to work at 5 and she prolly wont show up here until about 4. I don't know what is going on but I need to know.. I feel like my roomie and best girl friend in Phoenix hates me as well as the friends we share and since I dont know many others here anymore I sit in solitude watching every movie I own and being ignored by everyone. The only person that wants to talk to me is my Ex and that is slowly going away too since we've talked about alot of crap that happened in our relationship. It breaks my heart and I dont even know what I did to deserve this. I want to just start over somewhere new or find some new friends. But I work alone and cant find a new job so that I can meet new people. I can't really afford to drive downtown and go check out the galleries and just be around people that share the same ideas as me. Its getting really bad and I just want to curl up in a ball, cry and sleep everyweekend until work on tuesdays...

I really hate being alone... I don't mean alone relationship wise either I mean alone alone... being alone in my apartment because my roommate is working and not having the gas to go hang out with someone else... My roommate and I work opposite schedules so I don't get to see her very much.. then when we happen to have time off together her boyfriend is over or she is with him... lately he has really gotten on my nerves and I hate that feeling. It happened often with my old roomie in Tucson's last two boyfriends. He is just joking but it gets disrespectful about the deaf community I hang out with (im learning sign language) saying that they are retarded and dumb and can't talk... which isn't true...Don't get me wrong sometimes you need to be alone and I enjoy it when I need it. At this point however I have had enough of it. It's been about 4 months since I broke up with my boyfriend and I tried being friends with him. That definitely didn't work out because he wanted more and just does stupid shit and pisses me off everytime even a text or anything comes up about him. In Phoenix I only have about 4 friends I can hang out with (or want to I should say) One I live with and the others are very busy or work opposite schedules. One friend is a guy I have liked since H.S. and when we hang out it always seems awkward like we are both too shy so I feel weird asking him to hang out just the two of us. I am not sure how he feels about me at all so I don't want to mess up the friendship. The others either have a significant other or no car so it's hard to hang out with them.I have watched most of the movies I own several many times and I have started creating hair accessories so I can sell them and keep me occupied. Many times my roomie will be off a night where I am home but she is going out with her guy to one of his friends birthdays or just a party. I've tried dropping subtle hints about wanting to meet new people and all that but I never get invited. It all feels exactly like when I was with my ex and never got invited to hang out with my friends because none of them liked him, now he is out of the picture and I am starting to think it was me they didn't like. I know it's not true but it seems weird. Not even an offer to hang. Part of why I want to get out of Phoenix so badly is I know no one here and the people aren't the kind of people I want to be around. This site is they kind of people I want to be around. Downtown Phoenix has alot of artistic and creative people and I am trying to find a second job down there. I did some work with an art festival and met some great people but that festival is only in April so the rest of the year I have nothing like that.This is all starting to really affect me and put me in a deep depression.. I am trying very hard to stay positive about it all. I know it will all work out and things will change and I am trying to look for the opportunities and not wait for it to happen. I said the other day I don't need a boyfriend but I want one. I miss cuddling and having someone to talk to and make me feel special and beautiful. It's especially hard when my roomie has such a fantastic relationship and I hear them in the other room all the time giggling, talking or having sex. Then get left out of things cuz Im a third wheel. I know it's not their intentions but I feel like they are rubbing it in. (Which is not the case at all but I am jealous)I feel like I need a change of scenery move to a new city or to move back to Tucson. I would do theatre because that always seems to get me in a better mood but I cannot afford to do a show since it eats up my nights and weekends and pays very little or nothing at all.At this point I am just rambling and complaining but I needed to put this down. If you took the time to read this I appreciate it.

What a yucky day... prepare your self this is going to get very personal... my relationship is teetering on the edge of who knows what... I love my boyfriend but I feel he and I are too different to really live a happy life together. I am or at least I try to be a pretty positive person. He is very opposite. He has a negative look on so much in life. I feel like I am constantly trying to get him to think positive and it's pulling me down. I have seriously considered ending our relationship. But this isn't the whole story. I think he may be bipolar. We are pretty sure is mother is and it is a hereditary thing. He doesn't even know he is being a jerk when he's doing it. He can be a total sweetheart, he constantly tells me I am beautiful and sexy and that he loves me. He will stop what he is doing just to come over and kiss me. He holds me as we fall asleep at night and as soon as we wake up in the morning he gives me a kiss and says good morning beautiful.I have some pretty bad self esteem issues since I put on the 70 lbs I had lost plus close to 20 more. I am 5'10" and no joke big boned. I am now at 320lbs and totally out of shape. I have no shut off switch and will eat like it is my job. I have a goal to change my life style for the better and healthier but my motivation is circling the drain even though I have a goal to get this going by September next year. My cousin is getting married and asked me to be in the wedding. I want to make it to next year and hopefully be well on my way to a full 180 lifestyle change.I am depressed because I have to work so much and still can't even afford to finish school or do any theatre, which is where I am truly happy. I am miserable in Arizona but it is currently where I HAVE to be. I hate that I am tied down by money and am beginning to very much dislike the "material" person I have become.I don't create any of my art anymore because I have ZERO inspiration and no space to create anything in anyway.I am trying to listen to myself more and my surroundings. I try to spend at least 10 minutes outdoors just listening. I spend far too much of my day indoors and alone. I have started to listen to any encounter that I have and see that it was meant to happen for a reason. The greatest example of this is my new journey with dreadlocks. I really think I am meant to have them. For one I am always attracted to them! There is a young man at the Blockbuster I frequent and I met him when I was working on my first set (waxies). He always encouraged me to help them along and loves his. I was there last week and he was sad but understood since he too had had waxed dreads. He said if I get the chance I should go for them again. Then this site and soaringeagle came along! *meant to be* I joined and as SE put it "decided to move in and am staying put" I learned so much and really felt that it was time again to embark on a journey few understand. This simple spark to "just do it" and my new "ear". I am beginning to find out more about myself than I thought I was capable of.It breaks my heart that me finding myself could eventually lead to an ended relationship but I have to do whatever it is that makes me happy and really listen to my heart and soul so that I can live the best life I can with the time I am given on this earth.A friend of mine went through something like this recently and her ending her relationship actually opened both her and her boyfriends eyes and they are both completely different people and have a beautiful new relationship. If what I have does end perhaps the same thing will happen. If my man can open his mind and heart to positive change and true happiness than awesome. If not then it isn't "meant to be"I cannot dwell on the past... only learn from it.If you read this feel free to leave any words you feel. I am open to anything.Thank you for reading...LoveJoyPeace&Patience this is my new mantraIzzy