Man am i glad that we are getting warmer weather. the rain dont even bother me i just like not having to freeze ya know. i cant wait till easter gauge is so excited about the easter bunny. and i told gauge that once he got potty trained he can go to school because hes always asking to go to school and i enrolled into college for the fall semester and since john and i would both be in the same college the "day care" or whatever it is would be free and that way he could get used to being around other kids so preschool wouldnt be such a shocl to his system and hed be going to school with his daddy and mommy and we could pick him up on our breaks and eat lunch with him and stuff. itll be good for him and from what john says its super safe there like cameras and they check id from you to pick up your kid. and hes potty trained so ill be keeping my word.

gauge will be turning 3 in june and to celebrate that we are taking him camping to see badfish at the quarry. three days of family fun and music that all three of us enjoy. gauge has been showing alot of intrest in the djembe. hes got bongos and i have my smaller djembe and gauge and i will jam out and play the drums while singing his favorite song is three little birds by bob marley and he knows all the words and will play the drum and sing it.i know one of my favirote things to do at the music festivals is when the bands are done for the day and each campsite has their own thing going on i wanna take gauge around and look for drum circles that he could join. hed be the youngest drummer for sure and hes so good at it for being just three. i wanna get him a guitar for his birthday. a nice little acoustic one or maybe a ukelele since their small. either way i definately think that if i foster his talent for music and as long as hes intrested let him have funwith it and maybe get him lessons as he gets older. sometimes i just feel like hes such and old soul. hes wise beyond his years and just so damn smart man. like he talks as clear as day and is potty trained, knows his alphabet, loves music playing and singing it. knows his shapes, colors and how to count even count a little in chinese. hes gonna be so smart and i plan on keeping reading to him and always be there when he needs helpwith homework.

lately i been working quite alot but i dont mind. i like working, granit i deliver pizzas so its an easy job for me but i love that i get tips and get to keep em. i know once i start school ima have to cut back because i need my gauge time and i cant be gone every day for the whole dy.my son comes first before anything ya know. plus going to school i should get some money back from my loans so its all about making it work. plus im sure my job will work with me and my school schedule but they love that i know how to do pretty much everything there so i hope hes not gonna be pissed about it and just cut me out of the working all together cuz i still need the money but ill just work like 3 days a week or something once school starts. its just now i close sometimes which means i works till about 2 am or so and i cant do that if i got school the next day. but im sure it will all work out in the end. i just need to make a for real decision on what exacttly it is that i want to take,. im debating between, early education teacher, a counselor and maybe apediatricion. im just not sure how long i really wanna go to school for. but im sure itll all workd out

man im almost stunned how in the past few days things have been going really good for me. i keep winning this competition at work. my home life with my husband is going really well and my son is amazing although he always is. ive been lacking on the sleep a little but its all totally worth it. the stress in life is way worth it for the reward in life ya know. i mean besides my latest pitts moment last friday this week has been totally awesome. plus after saturday i get three days off. sweetness!!!! i wanna take gauge to a hayride or something. so im hoping for a day where i can get off earlier then normal or what not since their only on weekends here. well friday and saturday. those are big delivery days though. i hope things stay this good atleast for awhile ya know although they say that you wouldnt enjoy the goodtimes as much if there werent bad times right? although i dont know who they are per say but hey it sounds good. lately i been pondering what i wanna do with my future. a little stressful topic since i went to college once and dropped out i just wanna make sure its something im really interested in ya know.so that wont be an issue this time. i know i would like to fo something with either children or animals or nature. like thats not a broad picking area right. its just really difficult. i mean im gonna be 25 i have a two year old and im still figuring out what i wanna do when i grow up. i just know i dont wanna do pizza delivery forever. i want my son to be proud of me when hes a teenager ya know. i feel as though this decision should have been made in my teens but hey its better late then never right. i mean i heard of an 80 yr old woman graduating college. if she can do it then damn i sure can. i got like 40 minus years on her yeah know. i just know that i definatley shouldnt go back till i forsure know what i wanna do no matter how much others feel i should go undecided or w/e. having a son really changed my perspective on life and what kind of influence i want to show him ya know. its amazing how such a little soul can really change a persons goals and feelings toward life altogether.

i know in my posts u see alot of negative angry posts and so i want to make a list of what i love about my lifei love my son more then life itself. hes my entire world.i love my husband i mean sometimes we can bicker but hes here when i need him. hes my backbone at times and he listenes and helps me with problems. hes my bestfriend just like my son is.i love rocco my boxer. hes such a love dog. he loves to cuddle and when i was pregnant hes watch sad commercials with me and let me hold him like a baby.reese my mutt. hes crazy and makes me laugh. hes fun and rambunctious. i mean he likes to chew things thats bad but he does dumb thing like run into wallas cuz hes clumsy.mortimer rex my turtle= its just a turtle but i like it\my friend bonnie because shes always there when i need someone to talk to or cry at. shes came out here when i was in real need of a friend and she let me dread her hair. how awesome is that.\my friend danielle. ive known her for ages and i hardly talk to her ass much but when we do talk its like we were never apartmy dad. sometimes i feel as though hees the only family member on my side that i can talk to. he knows i dont lie about things and the rest of that family treats him, bad when hes the main breadwinner and helps everyone out.i love all you guys cuz i feel like most of u anyways understand me and can put yourself in my shoes and you dont pity me you just wanna be there for me and i love that. thanks for the support and the words of wisdom

why does my mom and my sister in lawand my perverted brother think its okay to comepletly ruin my weekend and break a promise that he wont be home till halloween and make is so i have noone to watch my son so i have to call off today. i mean if it wasnt for joe my father in law i would have had to call off all weekend. i hate them so fuckin much. and of course they all think that i have no reason to be upset. im blowing it all out of perportion bc i want my son to be in a safe place i suppose. i mean i know kai (my brother) sucks at life and cant keep a job past 9 months but i believe that having a job is good b/c it helps feed my family but i suppose im the only one who feels this way because they all are mad at me because i told them how fucked up all this is. tammy my sister in law says to other ppl to ignore me. yeah because thats just what everyone has done my whole life. just as my mom throws my needs to the back burner soon as kais needs come up. i mean im the victim and i just keep getting victimized over and over and it sux ass. what really pisses me off is that i feel as though my sons needs got put in the back right with mine. dude hes two is he supposed to watch himself. they told me he wasnt gonna be home till halloween weekend so if i needed my mom to watch him she could. but now that he wants to come home to mommys house early they all said oh well fuck her let him come home. i mean i only need this job to help spport my family ya know. and tammy dont know how it feels i mean she knows everything and it doesnt stop her and make her tink twice cuz shes so dumb she convinced herself that even though he admitted it at first since he took it back and said it didnt happen later then he must be telling the truth. i mean am i the only one who thinks i have a right to be pissed. i mean luckily someone offered to trade me days so i didnt loose hours but what if joes hours were diffrent for the weekend and he was unable to watch him then id have to call off all weekend and who knows possibly get fired. but noone cares about that. i mean tammy wanted kai to be home and since shes pregnant and hes my moms lil boy guesse who get the curb. me and my family. i mean seriously havent we been through enough?. why do they give him the right to constantly screw me over again and again.?i mean i now realize that for sure for sure i want no relationship with my mom anymore. i already have no relationship with tammy and the only ppl at that house i have respect for is my dad and my nephew is okay sometimes. but who knows how long thatll last. the apple doesnt fall far from the trees. and they are some tall fat ugly stupid perverted trees. so lets hope that saying aint true although he is a year older then my son and my son is far beyond him academically. my husband and i both think we are in the right here. i mean is there something im missing. or are they all dumb and crazy like i believe they are. i mean i havent been this pissed in awhile, i mean johns family all on my side. my friends and johns friends i mean they all see that my immediate family on my side is fuckin crazy. i just dont understand how i can try so hard and constantly get knocked down. especially goin through the pain of coming out to my family about this and feeling as thoughmy mom and dad tried to care but especially mom just couldnt go through with it. i mean its like she finds it so hard to love me. it brings me back to when i was a little kid. shed always tell my tha when my brother would hurt me and beat me up that is was probably brcause i was instigating it. which most the time he just tortured me because he was dumb and got made fun of in school. so no wonder i didnt tell her about the "real" abuse until i was in my 20s i mean can u blame me. look how well she handles it now. it just really makes me sad. i mean that now at 24 i finally realize i will never have a real relationship with her after yrs of trying and failing. as far my sister in law and the perv they are gonna move to iowa supposedly and i know its so her kids wont ever find out about what theyre daddy did. cuz my son knows that hes a bad man. i didnt explain cuz hes to young i just told him if u see him anywhere dont go near him cuz hes a bad man and he was mean to mommy.cuz i mean i dont want to scare him i just want him to knowso i know thats why.

i just want to post on here that one of my later posts may have been a little misinterperated. the person who did bad things to me when i was a child has not touched anyone else and i believe its because of myself coming out about what happened to me. i came off really angry and i dont want ppl thinking that children are being hurt because thats just not the truth. i was seriously angry about finding out that hes having another baby because i selfishly wish that my own feeling about this person would rub off on others to see how angry it makes me. i do believe whole heartedly that he hasnt touched any child since i was a little kid. i can say this almsot completly for sure. i know i may have sounded really angry before in my older post and i said that her asking me what happened because he was acting diffrently towards him scared me into telling my family about what happened to me but i know that noone has touched him. and you damn well believe that my son is safe. i mean i know what its like so my kid doesnt get watched by anyone but my parents and my husbands dad because they wouldnt let anything bad happen to anyone. they are well trusted individuals and i know for a fact they would protect them just as well as i would. so i just wanted to clear all this up. and i apologize for whatever confusion and trouble was caused by my earlier angry post.i mean seriously besides how much i hate my brother for doing what he did that one time to me and as dumb as i think my sister in law is for staying with him after i told everyone what happened i mean she can be a good mom. given the hand she has been dealt with her past of foster care and abuse shes actually been a good mom and since ive told her about this ive noticed that when my brother is around she doesnt leave him alone with him. shes been real good with that. plus i mean im sure she probably doesnt really believe me to much about it either. i think shes realizing more now though that despite how much i hate my brother i still care deeply about my nephew and whatever this other child will be. but on the other hand of things they know that when he visits my moms house my son goes to my father in laws. he not aloud around or near my son at all. my son knows hes not aloud to be around him. but thats my choice. and trust me if i really thought that he hurt anyone else wether theyre related to me or not i would say something. thats definately not something i would just let go ya know. these kids mean the world to me especially my son. i promised gauge from the first day i layed eyes on him that i would never let anyone hurt him and even after i die ill make sure thats just what happens. hes my world. hes my life. and i couldnt imagine my life without him in it.i plan on writting more about this in the future if your interested. just how it is living with this in your head. how i believe this made me a more protective alert parent aware of all the evil around me. and how it can effect you relationship with friends and lovers.

i came to far -for you to bring me downi made up my mind - theyll hear me nowyou cant bribe me into silenceyou cant scare me with your violenceim to strong to be sedatedim to screwed up to become jadedi heard you apologies they make no senceyour stupid lies are just ignoranceyou may convince them but they still knowin their mind the truth will growtheyll figure out who u truly area flower will grow from this scarand in the end i will winbecause ill no longer hide your sinand you know that ill be heremaking sure no other child will live in fearbecause i refuse to go awayi refuse to let your sickness playi stand strong here infront of youand this time theres not a damn thing you can do!

i know its hard to love me-i just wish i could end it all-i just realize that i hurt you too-and that its all my fault-when will you finally leave me-and just realize you had enough-i know i really love you-but loving me has proven to tough-i know that im emotionally wounded-that peice of shit really fucked me up-i know that you just wanna run away-but i hope u dont give up.-i know i have all these problems-and i just dont know how to fix them-i used to see a smile on your face-now its just us screamin-every talk get out of hand-things get thrown and tears get shed-i inderstand if you wannaq run away-if i were you i would have probably fled-it would be so easy to just give up-accept for our little one-everything i do in the world is for him-he would be lost if this was all done-i wish that we could just talk it out-without shit get escalating-do you beleive this is real love-i hope ur answer isnt devastating-sometime i want to hurt myself-when the depression reaches its peak-i feel like you guys would be better off-without me around to speak-i just want you to love me again-like you did before it all began to sour-i want us to laugh again-up on the phone talking for hours-i mean sometimes we talk now-but i only get the stress of your day-it doesnt seem like you even want to look at me-you cant even wait till i have to go away-you say you dont like to cuddle-but we use to cuddle all the time-you used to laugh at my crazy beahvior-everything used to be just fine-now i embarass you where ever we go-like you wish i would disapear-i really think if it was for our lil man-i dont think you would even be here-i thought you would love me forever-that you wouldnt even need to try-that i would never ever piss you off-and you would never make me cry-now it seems aqs though we have to work on it-i hope its worth the fight-i hope oneday we can get back to the basics-and have the love bug give us a bite-i know things are getting really tough-and its so easy to choose to leave me-but i love you with all of my soul-but im not sure if thats all u need-im just so tired of crying late at night-and being your stress reliever-i know your tired of hearing me whine-and well never be like leave it to beaver-i know i brought all this chaos to your life-and your really the only family i have-you were there when others turned their backs-and i never had a man like that-i know i could never give up on you-and if ur walkin you gotta go through me-and you know lil man hed be so devastated-hed cry so many tears itd form a sea-everybody needs a little help sometimes-we all know i aint perfection-but i would go to the ends of the earth for you-your my only protection-i know ill cry a thousand more cries-and youll throw many more keys-i just hope u love me enough to never straycuz you and gauge are the only family for me -(just remember every couple fights. every family has its up and downs but unlike alot of my blood family my husband and son have my back through everything. they know i wouldnt make shit up about ppl and they understand how badly some fucked up ppl have hurt me. noone knows you better then the people you let into your brains and hearts. they congratulate you when your good and let yo. u know whats up when your not. i just hope lthat in the end of life i have my husband on one side and my son on the other cuz i couldnt imagine life without either of them. my son is the world to me but right by his side in my heart is my husbandwe understand eachother good and bad and sometimes that means knowing what pisses them off the most too..)

i am very pleasantly surprised on how unterrible my kid is doing at two. you hear all these horror stories of other ppl and their expierience and are anticipating this reaction of temper tantrums, and craziness. i mean yes he has changed a little and since i been working hes picked up one or two of his cousins bad behaviors but a simple timeout fades them away when hes around me. instead of the temper tantrums he shares and instead of the hair pulling like most kids his age hes learned colors. im just constantly stunned with the great things he acomplishes and learnes its amazing. i mean not only is he smart and knows things like counting, colors shapes but we are slowly in the process of potty training. although i do admit that since i started working again the leaps and bounds that he was making in the potty area have withered a bit but thats mainly my fault since i havent been keeping up on it but im sure as with everything else when hes reasy hell excell in it. i know im probably just another proud momma but i really do think my son may be advanced for his age. i mean he just catches on so quickly and alot of other 2 and even 3 yr olds arent where he is. this is one of the reasons why we dont plan on having any more children too. i mean its almost like hes been so easy to raise, easy to teach, and has the best personality that id be afraid if i had another kid they may be the total opposite. its like if u hit the jack pot the likliness of u hitting it again on the same machine is slim to none. i know when to fold them. plus i wanna give Gauge everything i can financially, emotionally, and mentally. he deserves that. now dont get me wrong you moms out there that have more then one kid or want more then one im not putting you down. thats awesome that you wanna do that. its just not in my stars ladies.but besides all that noise everything had been going ok. i been working getting paid making tips. johns been working and just recently started his i think 4th semester. hes so smart. im sooooo proud of him. i honestly dont know how he does it all. i mean school full time, work full time and he even has to watch gauge from time to time while im working i mean its gotta be hard on him. poor guy hardly ever sleeps and is always doing homework or is gone. i just feel bad sometimes because i wish there was more that i could actually do for him. hopefully since i got a job he can taqke an extra day off so he can have a little more time for homework and sleep really. i mean hes up all night doing homeowork sleeps for an hour or two then off to school. i just feel helpless sometimes cuz i wanna take some of the weight off his shoulders but im not that smart so i cant help with that and i cant work for him so there goes that idea and me sleeping doesnt give him energy so strike 3 im out , riiight. i just wish he really knew how greatful and proud of him i am. hes got it tough but hes determined to do good by gauge and i and i am thankful and im sure when gauge is our age and realizes the sacrafices made he will be too. johns also inspired me to go back to school. i wanted to go for veterinarian but latley i been thinking along diffrent paths. not sure what though i just dont think i could cut open and animal let alone put one to sleep. my dream is a no kill animal sanctuary but theres not really a degree for that. latley i been thinking of like a kindergarten teacher but you need alot of patience for that. criminal psychology also sounds entertaining. wouldnt that be funny. two psychologists in one house. i just know i dont want my son growing up with no money in the house. i would love to go on vacations to like jamaica and stuff with him. i really want gauge and john both to be proud of me and lets be honest thats not gonna happen at pizza hut! i wanna make a diffrenece. i wanna show gauge that you can do something awesome with your life and i want to show him that you need college to do that and i want to be a good example too. i want him to have two successful parents therefore increasing his likelihood to become something better than us. i can already see how much potential he has now and i dont want to be the example of what not to do ya know. i have the want, i have the drive. my son is my motivator and now all i have to do is figure out what i want to do with my life. thats the hard part though. im tired of being the osterchild of what not to do and im ready to be SOMEBODY, i guesse its just down to who at this point. my first must be that im always striving to be is a great mom though. and thats always gonna be forst. before the job before the career before anything im gonna be gauges mom. thats probably the best and most important job i have, protect, nurture, play, LOVE, teach and just help my son grow. help him become someone greater and better then i could ever be. and damn it hes on his way there. and having a good role model such as my husband showing him that even if your delt a hand of hardship as we are even if u have to work ur ass off to make ends meet you can still become the rose growing out the concrete. and with such a powerful male role model hes already a step ahead of alot of our young men today. and hopefully since hes hit the ground running he can win the marathon of life and come out on top. i have hope. i have this strong feeling that we just may make it and come out on top. what good is the end goal if its just given to you right, . food is waaaaay better when your starving after all.