One of the things I've come across in the never-ending cyclical debate of who's allowed to have dreadlocks is the presumed reason, or rather, presumed excuse of white lock-heads.
That every white lock-head has the locks because it's some form of a fashion statement, or "mock spirituality".
I'm an insecure person by nature. I have severe social anxiety, depression, add and chronic physical problems that fuel these things and feed off of them in a never ending cycle of doubt, fear and fatigue.
So when I keep coming across the assumption that all white people just want dreads cause they look cool and their spiritual reasons are just an excuse, well, it pushes me.
This spring I had a dip in my mood. A rough patch when depression and anxiety wrapped up around me and the world seemed like a terrible place to be in. A time when my fears overwhelmed me and for a few weeks I hardly even slept.
I cut my locks off.
I immediately regretted it. Not only did I lose the locks, but I also lost my signature blue hair.
I hardly knew the man in the mirror at all and I fell even further into the darkness.
And then.. something happened.
I had to take a trip, so I coloured my hair again.
I stopped combing the hair and ignored it as it grew out.
And this week, I found them....
Little baby locks, starting to knot up in the mussy mane that is on my head.
And lo, it reared it's head again. The question, the doubt, the fear.
Why do I let my hair felt together into locks?
Why do I let my hair do this naturally and organicly when I dye the thing?
Why does it feel right?
Truth be told, I just don't know exactly.
I have my spiritual reasons, my philosophical reasons, my psychological reasons, both for and against the practice.
While I like the way they look, I also dislike it, and I have received a LOT of flak for having them from people in my circles who dislike the way they look.
The more I question myself, the more I prod and pry and poke at what is beneath every reason I have, the more I simply know that the reason why I have locks is because it feels right, it's how my head of hair is supposed to be.
Today, they're babies, the few that have started to form.
The head of hair is mussy and fluffy and blue, with a few baby locks, and it feels better than it's felt in months.
Because it's just doing what it's supposed to do.