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NaturalDreads01 replied to Samantha Zimmerly's discussion Help
"for as early into the process as you are, it is totally normal. :D  "
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Samantha Zimmerly posted a discussion

Help

I've asked already about loose roots and know its normal, but the ones on my neckline have probably…See More
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Tiny Turtle posted a discussion

How often can I wash my hair

I know you can wash fairly often, like twice a week... I've been trying to stuck to that. The thing…See More
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Derek sparks left a comment for Derek sparks
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taye posted a photo

New hairpin

Chris and Pedro from Artis Ignis made a special hairpin just to fit in my dreads!
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Chillin' on this grey day

"Thank you dear :)"
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Koko Earthling replied to Sissy MacK's discussion Just Wanted to Say "Hi."
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Koko Earthling replied to Sissy MacK's discussion Just Wanted to Say "Hi."
"Perrrrfect ;)  What kind of fiber work do you do, Sissy?  Also, whats SAMH? :p Sorry if…"
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Koko Earthling replied to Koko Earthling's discussion Methods for "tidying up" young dreads
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Koko Earthling replied to Samantha Zimmerly's discussion Day 3 and need advice.
"Yes, don't fret! Loose roots and loose ends are prevalent even in mature locks. Think of it…"
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"Namaste friend! :) Great decision,- give some thought to giving up toxic chemicals in shampoo and…"
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Koko Earthling posted a photo

Chillin' on this grey day

Keeping my hands busy, making some dreadwraps ^_^
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Tags: breaking, comments, judgement, news, parents, peers, responses, the, thoughts

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Replies to This Discussion

Tell her what you just told us. That's all you can do. She is the only one who can control her reaction.

Just make sure you have time to talk in a calm environment. If she refuses to hear you out it shows a lack of respect and that's pretty toxic. In that case moving out may be all you can do.

It's not that they never saw anyone go natural, they just never put 2 and 2 together about all those people they saw with nappy hair were also growing locks.  It take growing locks to recognize the intermediate steps you see other people going through.

Anyway, Parents have a tendency to think that what you do reflects on them.  It doesn't, it reflects on you.  Remind her that what you do only effects what people see in you, not her.

My mom is the same.  She has hated my locks because they are uneven and nappy.  Even after 5 years, she wants me to cut them and go to a salon to have them done "pretty".  

Keep letting your hair lock.  She can't forcibly cut it.  She can make comments and be snippy about them, but if you just talk to her about your reasons, and not cut them off, she might not ever give in, but she might just stop arguing.  My mom thought it was a phase.  So for years afterwards she wouldn't let me leave the house without comment.  But now it's few and far between when she says anything about them.  She's pretty much gotten used to my having locks.  She's still worried about my finding a job, but she is leaving that up to me.  

As for guys with locks wanting girls with hair...  That's absurd.  I've got locks.  My girlfriend doesn't, but that's for her job.  Whenever she's got long breaks, I grab a few sections and tnr them for her.  

But I digress...  Guy's with locks tend to be more earthy and hippieish.  They want girls who are pretty earthy and hippieish too.  If they have locks, great.  If not, then who cares.  People generally are attracted to others with similar life views.  It doesn't matter what they look like.

Screw him.  

i really like you baba lol

Jasper, if you have a hard time verbalizing what you said, you could just show her your posting, it's well thought out and respectful. :) And the others are right, only she can choose how she'll respond. And her response says more about her than about you. I say this as a mother :) It's hard to let your kids do what you think isn't good for them. But that's our job once they are old enough to live with the consequences. That said, she may decide that she cant live with dreads, or live with dreads supportively and you may have to make other choices.

You're ex sounds like a total asshole. So I can understand her hating him. I wouldn't bother telling her or hiding it from her actually. Not really any of her business but she discovers it then you have a conversation. When you do, make the conversations about what you want and not about what she wants. You can address her concerns, but make it clear in the end its your choice.

Same Elke.  

My girlfriend and I are staring to talk about kids.  I know they will rebel as they grow up, and I know it'll be hard to deal with, but just thinking of all the things I did and put my parents through will help a lot for me.  

Thank you all for taking the time to read through this and respond so thoughtfully! Baba, I am glad to hear about your personal experience that brings me hope that she will learn to accept them in time :) Thank you, you always give great advice. Also tied up in knots, I think the calm environment is key. Elke, so good to hear from a mother and you are right that I can not change the way she feels about it anymore than she can change the way I feel about it, so I will just have to let it play out and respect her opinion for what it is. Soaring Eagle, I just don't want her to feel deceived when she does ask about them and pull her, "When were you planning on telling me this!?" card...but at the same time I like the idea of not making any sort of production out of it and just letting the inevitable question fall, so I will think that over :) and as for the ex Baba & Soaring Eagle he had a lot of double standards. Strong opinions on everything but rarely the patience to listen for a response..it was tiring. I'm spending time working on myself for a while so I can learn to love me just the way I am and stop walking on eggshells for the person I'm with :) <3 Thanks again ~love&light

I can't help feeling that your discussion with your mother will go much worse if she discovers your hair for herself. She will be starting from a very negative space before you will even get a word in and that won't be helpful to your case at all.

Something that worked with my mother and me when certain high tension topics came up in our lives was writing letters. Sometimes we'd give them to each other to read and other times we just used them as guides for getting out what we wanted to say. It was a great way to avoid letting emotions run too high and saying something you regret.

You know your mother best though and this approach might not work for everyone.

Your desire to be true to yourself and achieve personal honesty in your relationships is something that can start now with your mother. She is one of the most important relationships in your life (I hope!) and to be truly happy in your relationships with people close to you you have to be real to them. Whatever that may bring.

Though my child is still a toddler I cannot ever see allowing something as simple as a hairstyle come between us. I know many parents talk a mean talk but when push comes to shove they want to love their child and have them in their lives.

I do many things my mother doesn't approve of. Made life choices that apparently make her very sad. But once I learned to be honest with her things got exponentially better. She knows now that harping at me does nothing to change who I am. All it does is make me distance myself from her. She doesn't want that so she keeps the harping to a minimum. I have to let her do a little. She's my mom!

Good luck to you. This seems monumental right now but once you've gotten to the other side you will realize that the mountain you climbed was actually an itty bitty molehill.

I should probably add though that my mom doesn't know about my dreads yet. But in my situation I don't live with her and in my opinion a hairstyle change isn't worthy of an announcement. Nothing she has to say about it matters in the slightest.

I have had to tell my mother much harder things though and we've always gotten through it. Come hell or high water she loves me more than anyone else does. I'm 99.9% positive your mother feels the same way.

I don't know about the writing letters.  I never tried it.  But Knots is right.  You should be the one to tell her.  If she finds out on her own, she'll be angry and assume that you were deliberately hiding them from her.  Parents don't appreciate when you hide things from them.  She might not like locks, but if she notices them without you telling her, she'll be mad from the start.  You want to try to get into the conversation as gently as possible.  Bake her cookies or something.  lol.  you know.  Just find a way to ease the tension.  

Knots, I hear you loud and clear.  I do tons of things my mom doesn't approve of.  I don't see her often at all, so I can get away with a lot without telling her, but she does get very upset easily.  She's a typical jewish mother.  She harps on every little thing I do or don't do.  I talk to her maybe twice a week, and that's not enough.  With her there's never enough honesty.  It kind of bugs me.  I don't mind telling her about what's going on.  I've put her through enough.  When I was a teen, I dyed my hair all the time, had 2 mohawks, wore all black, black nail polish and eye liner, and had tons of ear and facial piercings.  She dissaproved, but after talking to her and being open, she calmed down and realized that I was just trying to express myself.  

Jasper, hopefully your mom will agree with Knots that she does love you more than anyone, and just wants to see you be happy.  She doesn't have to agree with you.  Tell her that.  But all she has to do is accept you for who you are.  No parents want their kid to be like every other kid.  What's the fun in that.  Every parent wants their child to be special.  

Yup. Letters aren't for everyone. My family can be very non confrontational but when there is confrontation...watch the hell out! So letters worked for us to keep things on a more even keel. Things got much better once I moved out at 18 and found my own space to exist in.

Parental love is a crazy thing. It's very hard to kill but occasionally it does need time to recuperate from the bumps and bruises of life. Even if mom is angry right now time will pass and she will find better things to worry about than your hair. Sometimes perspective takes time. Just take it slow and have patience with her.

You really need to make sure you remain calm. You want to come off as maturely as possible when you talk to her about your hair. In her mind you are just a kid even if you are technically an adult. The more maturity you can muster the better things will go

Baba is right. Your mom just wants the best for you and in her world view dreadlocks will hinder that. You have to show her that she's running on outdated information and that you won't be a smelly bum.

I really hope things go well. Keep us updated.

The job of a parent is to raise their offspring in a loving, secure, safe environment.  Once the child has reached maturity, the parent's job is finished.  As for me, I am also trying to raise my daughters to be self-confident, independent, and compassionate.  I have told them many times that my love for them transcends anything they might do or say, including life choices I may not make for myself.  I am sorry that more parents do not raise their kids this way.

You don't sound like living at home is a very healthy thing for you or your mother.  There is a much deeper issue here than simply the way you do your hair.  I would seriously consider putting some space between you if that would help preserve your relationship.

Best wishes on your journey,

A Loving Mother.

When my mother figured out that there was something... different... going on with my hair, I didn't say anything about dreads. I just said that I quit using such harsh products on my hair; ya know, getting away from the cetyl alcohols and all that. But a month later when the loopies attacked for the first time the cat was out of the bag. I looked like a hot mess and her eyes got quite wide. So I made light of it. "It's a process, letting my hair lock up. It's HAIR. I can always change it any time I want and that's the fun part of having HAIR."

Her eyebrow twitches every once in a while when she looks at my hair but 99% of the time she's accepted that I've got an experimental soul. I shaved my head, dyed it rainbow colors, you name it. I've done it all. I think my mother has gotten more mellow in her old age(THANK GOD!) but she still can cut me to the quick with a look.

One of the quirkiest things she's said to me so far was, "I don't like what you've done with your hair but you're a good Mom. That's all that really matters."

In my head I'm thinking, wtf? But then it hit me: she's finally separated my HAIR from ME and now she sees ME instead of wanting to nag about my hair. Does that make sense?

Jasper, good or bad, either way that conversation goes, I encourage you to use light hearted rationality to keep your cool. It's just hair, right? *smile*

Oh, and you can always put a handkerchief over your hair to keep the confrontations to a minimum to give her time to accept it.You need to keep your hair loose and free as possible to continue the locking process but a handkerchief is the most modest way I can think of to get your hair out of close minded people's view.

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