~In need of some love and support here~
Thankyou both for the kindness... yes, I think I have got to really start working on myself....Ive been trying to counteract the negative with going on youtube and watching healing videos and videos on how to get out of a narcissistic relationship. That is helping, some.
but yes, *sigh I think I understand that rewiring the brain, and also something else that gets thrown in with all that is Trauma Bonding where your neurons actually get addicted to abuse and drama/trauma.... they say getting off of heroin is actually EASIER than getting out of an abusive relationship.
Hell, just with the crap he has put me thru since January, until now (we've been seperated since august when he got busted)...is more than enough and I am so totally pissed off now, it's not even funny. I'm pissed off about alot of things he has done, the ways he has messed with my mind and my heart....one sick example: he called me at least two times saying he is a SINGLE MAN OUT SOWING HIS WILD OATS.... what kind of a guy says that to his new wife? he still has not apologized for it...well, he hasnt apologized for alot of things, if I do get an apology it is usually a lame ass apology that goes something like "I'm sorry if I hurt you" or
"I'm sorry for anything I might have done" it's never "I'm sorry for calling you a whore and and piece of trash and a piece of $hit the other day, I am sorry for hurting you with my words, can you please forgive me"? no, it's always "Im sorry if I hurt you" or something along those lines.
I guess something that really began to be a real turning point for me was after he went to jail...I went to visit him (last day I ever saw him) in jail...that time I saw him was the NICEST HE HAS EVER BEEN TO ME..he was a totally different person, if he was that way to me 24/7 I would never want to leave his side....!!!!!!! EVER.... I cry thinking about this....
well, of course by the end of that visit he gave me a list with all the things he wanted me to DO for him...I had to start sending him stamped envelopes, money for shampoo, etc, but i found out later he LIED about the shampoo (he tried to tell me he had no shampoo, no nothing, THEY ARE REQUIRED BY LAW to give them a hygiene kit no matter what...but it became evident he was trying to get all the money he could out of me while he was in there..I finally stopped even taking his phone calls. All i was getting was interrogated, anyway. it wasn't about loving or missing me, it was about controlling me.
Seriously, I felt like his personal hostage. Not allowed to talk to other human beings, OH and he TOLD ME I would NEVER be allowed to go to another Rainbow Gathering as long as I lived...I was like WTF????? (HE KNEW I WAS RAINBOW FAMILY)...but once we were married, oh, I was not ALLOWED TO GO TO ANY MORE GATHERINGS EVER AGAIN...I wonder just how many people groups he hates? it seems most of them....if you ask me.
I'm just so hurt, angry, confused, depressed, sad, anxious, depressed, tired, exhausted, scared (i dont want to be alone).......anyway, it's been a rough year for me,...im temporarily staying with relatives, just finally got my van fixed. (he trashed my truck due to his neglect, I'm lucky it didn't blow up from a gas leak he allowed to continue, while i was driving it down the road gas started leaking on the exhaust pipe, out the doors into the floor boards, all over the place, when he called me from jail I yelled at him about it because I COULD HAVE BEEN BLOWN UP..and he didn't seem to think it was really all that important....makes me wonder...if i even matter.
Im getting ready to rent a room from some musicians who go to gigs all the time and jam sessions and know lots of other musicians too....and they live in the country and do dog rescue and Im gonna go help them and grow vegetables and hopefully some day i can build a cabin on the land I bought but no way i can be up there alone.
THanks for listening, I needed someone to listen to me....boy it's been rough.
oh AND A HUGE P.S. YES, HE IS A MASTER MANIPULATOR.....I STARTED SEEING THAT FROM JAIL..when he was in there, he would ask for something, Id send it, then two weeks later, ask for it again...come up with a reason...well, i found out later he could have worked for some things there...then he tried to get me to start sending things to his friends in jail? I was like wth? (im on a fixed income) do you think he has ever given me anything? a card on mother's day last year.I paid for it.....he was supposed to make me a necklace from a rock he found...never did. was supposed to help us get ready for WINTER by building things we needed built NEVER DID...the list goes on and on, but he took care of HIMSELF..that he did. He recently got himself a VAN...told his daughter the van was more important than I am. So there, ya have it. I got nothing for my birthday, which was two weeks before our first anniversary...(nothing for that either) nothing for valentines day, well, you get my point. I feel not too valued unless he wants money or something.
THe entire marriage (if you can even call it that, its a farce is what it is) is so out of balance...he even threatened to shoot me with a rifle last summer because i would not go inside the rv instead of sitting outside (he was being mean, and abusive and he was drunk)...then later when he lost his cellphone , he threatened to beat the hell out of me if i didn't give it back to him (i didnt have it).
Anyway..the list is endless...he does like to manipulate though. If I had any love for him, it's gone now..he destroyed it. ALl I feel is anger, rage, bitterness, etc. All negative. I feel abandoned, betrayed,...etc.
oh that's scary about the sister who was abused....my husband had told me way back before (after we were married) if I got dreadlocks he was going to shave my hair off. He knew about my love of dreadlocks before he ever married me and he knew i was a hippie...he LIED and said he went to a gathering, but i saw a text message later that he texted someone asking about the Rainbow family and what did they know about it...so he LIED to me about it, I dont know that i believe much of anything he says to me anymore... it all seems fake to me...
he seems fake...he tells me he loves me but his actions have yet to prove it. I dont feel loved, at all, in fact last week he told me he hates me now that I'm dreading my hair. If it wasnt dreadlocks, it would be for the wrong color of shoes, or for a dress i was wearing or for something or other, always something.