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The Knife and the Brush.

Victoria Hill
@victoria-hill
3 years ago
9 posts
This is pretty personal.
This blog isn'texactly related tomy dreads, but rather how my dreads helped me realize things about myself. If you're looking for a talk of dreads, and not life expeirence with them, you have the wrong blog.
About a month ago, I severely suffered from what I like to call " the boredom period".
Normally, I use this term to describe the phenomenon that happens after the "honeymoon" period of a relationship. When you've learned all that you can learn about the person you're dating- their past, most of their little habits, what they do/don't believe in- and you've done all you can do as a couple- kissing, date ideas, fallen in love, had sex, living together, or whenever you've reached limits to a relationship- you loose a lot of the interest in the person you once had. It's not that you loose feeling, it's that you've run out of new things to learn. It's at this point where you learn whether you truly love the person, or if you're feelings for them are shallow, and aren't "real".
I've never truly thought of my hair as something I had a relationship with, but now that I see that I do, I have no clue why I didn't see it all along. My whole life, I've been made fun of- the fat kid, the looser, the spaz, the stuck-up freak, the girl who can't get a boyfriend- whatever. Words don't hurt, right? Well they didn't. At least, I wasn't aware that they did. I was diagnosed with depression (which appeared to be genetic). But that didn't really explain what my going on inside my brain. From the time I was 12, I would cut my wrists. For years and years I never knew why I did it, but I knew that when I was sad, it was the ONLY way I could empty my emotions. I got counseling and stopped cutting. For awhile. After I quite counseling, at any point when the words people said about me became to much, I'd reach for my knife and slash my skin open. Never in a suicidal way, I just did it to "release" the pain, but thy happened a lot less often. Because I bottled up my emotions 90% of the time, when I did grab a knife, I cut a LOT more cuts in a LOT more places. I haven't cut myself (intentionally) for almost two years. Instead, I'd damage my body in another way.
Now, don't get me wrong, I f*cking love my dreads. I got them for the simple reason that dreads are always beautiful, even when they're ugly by the most of the worlds perspective. But, as much as I HATE to admit this, (and believe me, it's hard,) ultimately, I decided to get dreads because it would f*ck up how I look. I mean, I thought I would look great with them, an I thought they were amazing- but that's not what pushed me to get them. Having my heart broken, again, by one of my BEST friends, did. I was hurt. And I had no control over the situation.
But what I CAN control is how much I hurt.
No one can hurt me more than me. As long as I think there is a way I that I can control my pain level, I will do whatever I possibly can to prove to myself that I'm the only person to truly hurt myself.
I've had my dread for9 months today, and a few weeks ago, I got in a real lonely place in life. So many of my close friends started to judge me, for reasons far to ridiculous to understand. Everyone I would trust my life to broke my trust, to the point where I had none to give. I had no one to turn to. But hey... I have a body, right? I started gauging my ears. I set a date to comb out my hair, dye it blue, and start all over, doing more so my dreads were done "right this time". Knowing myself, and how I have spontaneous little outbursts when I make a bunch of irrational decisions, I made the date 2 weeks out from when I first longed to start over. Thank god I did.
After about 4 days before brush day, I looked in the mirror, and cried. I couldn't do it... How could I just throw away 8 months of hard work, patience, beauty, and growth? There was no way. Everything I do to myself, I do because I want to, but- I let people get under my skin.
I labeled another blog (in part) with the words "I have commitment issues." I didn't think I would actually learn a lesson as deep as I did this month. I posted this as its own forum, because, well, it's plenty long enough to be. I have another forum with my whole journey with my hair- from years before to now. Go to my full blog, with the whole story of my hair and me,here-
Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Feel free to comment! I'll try and reply to most of them.
Dread on, and don't give up.

updated by @victoria-hill: 01/13/15 09:50:33PM
Cole Morton
@cole-morton
3 years ago
109 posts

Thank you for being courageous enough to share your story with us. I am so glad that you do not harm yourself physically any longer. I can completely empathize with your situation. I too have been a long time sufferer of bipolar disorder with bouts of severe panic and anxiety attacks. This process has become almost theraputic for me. While we all will still have many battles to conquer and mountains to move, life is worth the fight. I recently learned that I was passed over for a promotion due to my hair. I was crushed, it broke my spirit. I cried so hard and almost had a fuck it moment and brushed my hair. I love my job, I love my coworkers and it hurt to know my talents were being overlooked due to my apearence. Now, things in place of employment have improved and i had an open disscussion about my hair with my employer and we came to an agreement. Dreads were hard for her to understand, but she is trying, and that's all I can ask.

I hope that you continue to grow in journey and find the strength within yourself to know that you are beautiful and you are important. Happy dreading friend.

☮ soaring eagle ॐ
@soaring-eagle
3 years ago
27,413 posts

well i am so glad u feel confortable enough here to share such a story

and

i got to warn you...your being healed

cutting is a way to hack out emotions u shoved deep down rather thenm let out

what did you do when you looked in that mirror?

you cried

the 1 thing that could have kept u from chopping at your limbs...

a tear

a simple lil painless (well mostly painless) tear

u let those emotions out ..let yourself cry..be mad or sad ..just whatever u feel let it out but not in an overwhelming way let it be a pressure release not explosion

alotta parents will punish you for crying the more u want to cry the more they want to punish u for crying wich makes u feel sadder and sadder

but eventualy u dont want to be puicshed u dont want to feel and sadder so u stop crying ..but

then the sadness stays in you u try to be "perfect" so u wont be yelled at and made to feel sadder but theres already so much in you a single wordsall it takes to make that pressure build up so much theres only 1 release..blood soince a single tear would make it worse (or so you were tought throug punishment for tears)

its time to start accepting yourself

to stop caring what others think or say

and to let out a tear now and then and let things be..not perfect..but at least ok




--
Creator and head dreadhead at:
Dreadlocks Site
Glider pilot student at:
Freedoms wings international
Victoria Hill
@victoria-hill
3 years ago
9 posts

Thank you so much, both of you. Your comments really comfort me. I feel much less alone now. I can't thank you enough.

amethyst777
@amethyst777
3 years ago
95 posts

Very well said! :)

soaring eagle said:

well i am so glad u feel confortable enough here to share such a story

and

i got to warn you...your being healed

cutting is a way to hack out emotions u shoved deep down rather thenm let out

what did you do when you looked in that mirror?

you cried

the 1 thing that could have kept u from chopping at your limbs...

a tear

a simple lil painless (well mostly painless) tear

u let those emotions out ..let yourself cry..be mad or sad ..just whatever u feel let it out but not in an overwhelming way let it be a pressure release not explosion

alotta parents will punish you for crying the more u want to cry the more they want to punish u for crying wich makes u feel sadder and sadder

but eventualy u dont want to be puicshed u dont want to feel and sadder so u stop crying ..but

then the sadness stays in you u try to be "perfect" so u wont be yelled at and made to feel sadder but theres already so much in you a single wordsall it takes to make that pressure build up so much theres only 1 release..blood soince a single tear would make it worse (or so you were tought throug punishment for tears)

its time to start accepting yourself

to stop caring what others think or say

and to let out a tear now and then and let things be..not perfect..but at least ok

Rheana Hayes
@rheana-hayes
2 years ago
26 posts

Thank you for sharing this. It's very personal and very real. I have bipolar disorder and must manage it with medication and counseling, and yeah, I got some old old issues with self worth, masochism, codependence, attracting sociopaths, and generally just beating the ever living fuck out of my own psyche and body. I hope you stay in therapy simply because I think it's a very quick path to more personal and spiritual growth, and it's changed my life dramatically even after only a year. We are never done working on ourselves, as our dreads are never done evolving neither are we. Check out bipolar disorder as well because I saw you say that every few weeks you make rash decisions and do big things, like flights of fancy. Most people with bipolar are misdiagnosed for an average of ten years because their doctors see their depressions, but they don't see the mania because the patient enjoys it and doesn't see anything wrong with it, doesn't grasp the destructive tendancies and emotional effects of that manic energy. I hope to hear more about your path, lovely lady. Take care of your temple, Try to transmute that hurt into healing energy for your body and soul rather than taking it out on your body and soul. So much love and light to you. Keep writing.

Rheana Hayes
@rheana-hayes
2 years ago
26 posts

I like how you say I have to warn you... you're being healed. Healing can be as rough as being tumbled in a washer and dryer... but you come out on the other side clean.

soaring eagle said:

well i am so glad u feel confortable enough here to share such a story

and

i got to warn you...your being healed

cutting is a way to hack out emotions u shoved deep down rather thenm let out

what did you do when you looked in that mirror?

you cried

the 1 thing that could have kept u from chopping at your limbs...

a tear

a simple lil painless (well mostly painless) tear

u let those emotions out ..let yourself cry..be mad or sad ..just whatever u feel let it out but not in an overwhelming way let it be a pressure release not explosion

alotta parents will punish you for crying the more u want to cry the more they want to punish u for crying wich makes u feel sadder and sadder

but eventualy u dont want to be puicshed u dont want to feel and sadder so u stop crying ..but

then the sadness stays in you u try to be "perfect" so u wont be yelled at and made to feel sadder but theres already so much in you a single wordsall it takes to make that pressure build up so much theres only 1 release..blood soince a single tear would make it worse (or so you were tought throug punishment for tears)

its time to start accepting yourself

to stop caring what others think or say

and to let out a tear now and then and let things be..not perfect..but at least ok

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