This is pretty personal .
This blog isn'texactly related tomy dreads, but rather how my dreads helped me realize things about myself. If you're looking for a talk of dreads, and not life expeirence with them, you have the wrong blog.
About a month ago, I severely suffered from what I like to call " the boredom period".
Normally, I use this term to describe the phenomenon that happens after the "honeymoon" period of a relationship. When you've learned all that you can learn about the person you're dating- their past, most of their little habits, what they do/don't believe in- and you've done all you can do as a couple- kissing, date ideas, fallen in love, had sex, living together, or whenever you've reached limits to a relationship- you loose a lot of the interest in the person you once had. It's not that you loose feeling, it's that you've run out of new things to learn. It's at this point where you learn whether you truly love the person, or if you're feelings for them are shallow, and aren't "real".
I've never truly thought of my hair as something I had a relationship with, but now that I see that I do, I have no clue why I didn't see it all along. My whole life, I've been made fun of- the fat kid, the looser, the spaz, the stuck-up freak, the girl who can't get a boyfriend- whatever. Words don't hurt, right? Well they didn't. At least, I wasn't aware that they did. I was diagnosed with depression (which appeared to be genetic). But that didn't really explain what my going on inside my brain. From the time I was 12, I would cut my wrists. For years and years I never knew why I did it, but I knew that when I was sad, it was the ONLY way I could empty my emotions. I got counseling and stopped cutting. For awhile. After I quite counseling, at any point when the words people said about me became to much, I'd reach for my knife and slash my skin open. Never in a suicidal way, I just did it to "release" the pain, but thy happened a lot less often. Because I bottled up my emotions 90% of the time, when I did grab a knife, I cut a LOT more cuts in a LOT more places. I haven't cut myself (intentionally) for almost two years. Instead, I'd damage my body in another way.
Now, don't get me wrong, I f*cking love my dreads. I got them for the simple reason that dreads are always beautiful, even when they're ugly by the most of the worlds perspective. But, as much as I HATE to admit this, (and believe me, it's hard,) ultimately, I decided to get dreads because it would f*ck up how I look. I mean, I thought I would look great with them, an I thought they were amazing- but that's not what pushed me to get them. Having my heart broken, again, by one of my BEST friends, did. I was hurt. And I had no control over the situation.
But what I CAN control is how much I hurt.
No one can hurt me more than me. As long as I think there is a way I that I can control my pain level, I will do whatever I possibly can to prove to myself that I'm the only person to truly hurt myself.
I've had my dread for9 months today, and a few weeks ago, I got in a real lonely place in life. So many of my close friends started to judge me, for reasons far to ridiculous to understand. Everyone I would trust my life to broke my trust, to the point where I had none to give. I had no one to turn to. But hey... I have a body, right? I started gauging my ears. I set a date to comb out my hair, dye it blue, and start all over, doing more so my dreads were done "right this time". Knowing myself, and how I have spontaneous little outbursts when I make a bunch of irrational decisions, I made the date 2 weeks out from when I first longed to start over. Thank god I did.
After about 4 days before brush day, I looked in the mirror, and cried. I couldn't do it... How could I just throw away 8 months of hard work, patience, beauty, and growth? There was no way. Everything I do to myself, I do because I want to, but- I let people get under my skin.
I labeled another blog (in part) with the words "I have commitment issues." I didn't think I would actually learn a lesson as deep as I did this month. I posted this as its own forum, because, well, it's plenty long enough to be. I have another forum with my whole journey with my hair- from years before to now. Go to my full blog, with the whole story of my hair and me,here-
Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Feel free to comment! I'll try and reply to most of them.
Dread on, and don't give up.
updated by @victoria-hill: 01/13/15 09:50:33PM
