the opinion of others, who matter...

HOLA, it is me, the SANCHO! It is ok, I am here now.

I'm new to the dread scene and have a few questions. I'm looking to hear stories about this subject and see how others have approached this issue.

so... the whole story... kinda...

I've been growing my hair out for a while with the intent on eventually dreading it. Now the time has come to dread my head. This is something i've talked about forever. I'm married and my wife isnt 100percent on board with this whole journey. I've begun the process with a few dreads thrown in with her help but she insists that she does not want them to last, She expects me to get my dreads, "have my fun" and cut them off, then I could say I did it. That is not my intent and she knows it. I'm in a pickle. I want to make my wife happy, but I want my dreads. Is it really even about hair? She asked me the question, "if you had to pick, would you choose your dreads over me?"... my answer is neva-eva! ... but...maybe the question is, "would you choose you over me?" or something... I know who I am and what I want. I know what I like and the same goes for my wife... anyone in a similar situation? anyone, feel free to chime in if you've got 2 cents to share.

updated by @sancho-lopez: 02/14/15 06:10:47AM

Hmm, that's a tough one, maybe wait and see if she'll loosen up to the idea, if not it might be kind of selfish to choose hair over your wife, but idk it's up to you dude!

I don't know this woman but it seems a bit dramatic to say "me or your hair"... If locks matter now how will it be when you age and your appearance changes further? She might not like them now (or the idea of them) but I've found that people get used to and even come to love these types of things even if they didn't before.You love her much more because you'd be willing to stifle a desire for hers, but every time you do so it builds up and will eventually bring the whole relationship down. Do you have a dress code for her?I once volunteerd to shave my head as an incentive for a charity fundraiser. My partnr wasn't pleased (I didn't consult, it was my sole decision and i didn't see the need). The excitement of getting a female to shave head more than trippled our donations and a group of people who didn't want to see my hair shaved tried donating against it (it was a competing charity fundraiser for work) the competition increased the donations and almost matched the shave pot. In the end I shave my head, gladly (I look dumb with no hair but it was the means not the end) and my partner didn't likable at first bu realized that I will be me, looks don't matter, and even started to like the short hair (took me 5 years to grow out).You should do what you want and what you feel is more important: if that means not dreadin to make her happy then do that, but just remember that it is your hair, your life and your choice.

I can't even imagine being married to someone who wouldn't accept my choice to look however i wanted. If i shaved my head and tattooed my face my husband wouldn't say a negative thing. Maybe you could try explaining to her that it honestly sounds really selfish & controlling to tell you what you can/should do with your own hair. I'm sure that's not her intent but that is how it's coming across here. Let her know that you are a grown man and you will do whatever you wish with your own hair and appearance and that decision doesn't relate to your love for her in any way. She should want YOU to be happy with your hair and in turn that should make HER happy! Good Luck

maybe u should ask her that would u leave me if i was bald if i had dreads if i lost a limb or went blind or had mey face horibly burned?

this is a part of me not just a style but part of who i am and if its as ireversable as a lost limb will ir make a difference?

--
My new book Ban The Taboo Vol 1

YES! i totally feel you here...I put off dreads for 12 years because my partner told me he didn't like them and would not like me to have them...but then I guess I was asking his opinion too. I finally got to the point where I didn't want anyone elses opinion anymore and at that point it all comes together you know?

Ironiclyhe really loves my hair now...I suspect you will find the same for your wife: it is a journey for her also, it is a change, she KNOWS it is a long-term change, she will grow right along with them, with you , and soon she won't remember what you looked like without dreads. And she won't care to. I think maybe our partners get afraid for us (what will the parents? the kids? the cops? our bosses? think...) I think part ofmy husband'strouble with them was wanting to keep me (and him safe from that: oh god are we gonna be searched every time we want to fly somewhere???. so just step forward, and i think you will find her walking with you. best of luck an many blessings!

Thanks everyone for responding to my post. The situation is a little more complex than how i presented it. it is nice to hear a different perspective sometimes.

just get your dreads and ignore the wife, she will get used to it eventually if she loves u. and if she doesnt love you, there s no point cutting dreads for her anyway.. love doesn't depend on hair...;)im married too, i know mine...

Sancho! Can totally relate, like Rebekah. Several months ago when I told my husband I'd had three dreams in a row that I had dreadlocs and wanted to do it, he simply stated, "I really don't like them". He never said, "it's them or me", but it was still hard cuz certainly I hoped for his support. I ended up doing it anyway, and less than three months in he actually loves them, even though they are in a truly crazy phase! He is respectful and kind and likes to touch their funny textures and says they smell so good! So, maybe, just maybe things will smooth out on your end! I had a conversation with my guy about why he didn't like them, and it turns out his "opinions" were based solely on speculation and rumors! I wish you well ...

From my experience I have notice that if some one has the habit of ''stepping'' on oneself when it comes to personal taste and expressing who you are in the long run the one who is giving up their choices starts to feel resentment for the other and the love turns tobitterness because you become a reflection of the other and you forget who you are, you become what the other wants and you end upwearing a ''mask''. Ofcoursethis happenswhen it becomes a habitover a certain period of time.