~In need of some love and support here~

Hi all: I havn't been around in awhile, alot has happned....mostly from me just being stupid... A year ago I got married to someone I barely even knew, what on earth was I thinking?

We've been separated since August (he got busted and hauled off to another state)... but this is the least of my worries...he has a serious drinking/raging problem..he would go on 3 day drinking binges...but that was the least of that problem...he was terribly controlling, angry, name calling, and some other things..but he has been demanding I just let hiim come back..I am like NO, you have to prove yourself..(he says he has changed, I see no evidence of it) in fact, he has been meaner and nastier to me ne now, from 2000 miles away than in real life. The nicest he has ever been to me was the day I visited him in jail. A totally different person that I had not seen before.

Anyway...I also discovered he has been chasing women around, going home with women he has picked up, and trying to get back with some exes and all kinds of things like this and I'm hurting from all of that, too.

Well, so I explained to him I am finally working on my dreadlocks...on Sunday, he informed me that he hates me and yesterday, he texted me saying that he doesn't want me anymore. (we are married)...why? because of dreadlocks.  I also discovered he is pretty racist, (something I abhor) and from 2000 miles away has been trying to tell me what I can and cannot put on my facebook page, (while his life is out of control from alchoholism and anger issues)........just yesterday, again, I got called the n word among some other things.

Anyway....I just needed to vent and whine for awhile...I think the Universe has destined for me to be alone, for now, anyway....he didn't even remember my birthday or valentines day, or our anniversary, he's been too busy, I suppose. I just don't feel like I'm very loved, well, now I'm not, he told me he hates me.

All because of dreadlocks.

thoughts?

<3

you are loved...just not by him

you are not destined to be4 alone .. you just need to get rid of him to make room for someone right

you will have to avoid jumping into the next thing as you may have a  tendency tonfall right back in6to another abusive hell

you not only need a divorce but a restraining orde4r and no contact order

you know from the 1st line i knew exactly what the rest was going to say i only needed 1 or 2 sentencesto know the rest...hes what you call a narcissist

in fact when you were together he had his "just in case' alternates  all lined up waiting for things to fall apart

but ibet you suspected that

one thing about relationships with  narcisissts .. they wre hard to break free of no matter how abusive even after the divorce and  no contact orders you may have ongoing urges to contact him or "keep tabs on him' stalking his fb  to see what hes up to  maybe warn his next victims...

this can keep you  as trapped asnd controlled as you are when with him

you need to order yourself to have no contactto wipe him out of yoir mind and never look back (except to remind yourself to never fall into that situation again)

you need to be stronger then you ever were  andyou have all the love and support you need

we are glad you came back your in a safe place now

ok i cant tell you what to do only what id recomend you consider doing

1. file a restraining/no contact irder
2. file for divorce
3. if there were physical abuses consider criminal charges
4. never under any circumstances  try to contact him again
5. go out meet people have fun ..move on  if it feels ok date  but dont let it move toofast
6. be aware of signs of danger in next relationships and  stop them at the 1st signs of control
7. never date a drinker!!!!

and ill finish with 1 last reminder... you are loved and you will be happy again assoon as you stop being miserable

Thankyou very much for the love and suport herre and the advice....I need to take heed, yes. Which reminds me, I he some paperwork I was needing to fill out. I'm in the midst of getting my life put back together, when he left I kind of got abandoned, but I'm tying to regroup right now. Which reminds me, he also had told me (after we got married) I would never every be allowed to go to another Rainbow gathering ever again....what an @sshole!!! I missed the last regional and national gathering.....:(  I would never be happy being married to someone like that!!! I think he lied when he told me he went to a gathering once.....all a lie.  Well, TIME TO TURN THE PAGE AND START A NEW CHAPTER!!!!!

my best freind has been through opure hell for 7 years now after going to 1 gathering her ex is pure evil

if you look through my blogs you will find 1 calledsomething like delayed justice

but that was only a partial win and its still been hell since

he used her kids as weapons

abused them ..used them  tried to turn them evil

he tried killing her 4 times burned everything she owned crushed her fully restored antique vw bus

hadthe kids sleeping in bed with a loaded rifle shot thier dogs in front of them etc etc etc etc 

all because  she wanted to go to a gatheringafter literaly being held caprtive in the house since they were married  she wasnt even alowed to go out to buy diapers while he was on a drinking binge  she had to  use newspaper diapers because   if she left the house his family dragged her back

for 4 years she wore only 2 pwaqirs of his jeans and his shirts because he burned everything she owned

be glad u never had a kid with this  ass  .. hed use them to torture u

Hello darlig!

I feel your worries and pain.
I'll give you the best advice I can and it is to become aware that you, and only you, is the one that makes your choices. After you receive this recognition you can move on.

The next best advice I want to give you is to listen to Kay Pollak - Choosing joy.
It is available as an audio book and is great to hang out with while you take a walk, do the dishes, admire your dreadlocks, when you drink a cup of tea, sitting on the bus .... 

I promise it will help you 
<3

just the name of that is all the advice she needs

when your in an abusiverelationship your choices are to alow the abuse to continue  and spend years of misery hoping to change it somehow

or

you choose to be happy now  and dont settle for anything less

you cant have joy while being treated as property

you need freedom and understanding and hope and love ...real love not selfish need

you see the man you married hates everyone.. you himself everyone around him  .. but he selfishly needs someone ..

on 1 hand he wants solitude ..to have noone   to be completely alone and miserable

but on the other hand he needs someone  cause if he can keep someone with him even if they are held by force and are miserable scared and afraid for thier life at least then hes not such a pathetic failure

its an extremely complicated thing  andim certain hes a master manipulator

he is not capable of a relationship without years of  work on himself 

but you are

unfortunately the longer these type abusive relationships go on the more you yourself become incapable of healthy relationships

so you have to choose joy choose whats healthy for you what makes you happy ..if you dont   you can go from misery to misery to misery

it will become an increasingly hard pattern to break

let me explain something to you

the way he talks to you re-wires your brain

your brains a mass of  nerves interconnected  that alows electrical signals to  travel   through it in the form of thoughts

the more your told something like "your worthless' the more your brain  adds neurons  for that thought process to follow

electric sygnals travel the path of least resistence so as more "your worthless' pathways are created the harder it is to think anything else

after awhile  you think 'this is all i desserve" "i must have done something to desserve this  abuse' "its my fault  hes mean to me'

and a thought like "i desserve to be treated better' takes extreme effort and is easily drowned out  by that flood of 'your worthless' thoughts

hes trying to train you.. to wire your brain to believe that you desserve nothing but him and his shit...that you should be  hated ..

it will take effort to overcome the mental mind fuck he put you through and to start to believe you desserve better again

Thankyou both for the kindness... yes, I think I have got to really start working on myself....Ive been trying to counteract the negative with going on youtube and watching healing videos and videos on how to get out of a narcissistic relationship. That is helping, some.

but yes, *sigh I think I understand that rewiring the brain, and also something else that gets thrown in with all that is Trauma Bonding where your neurons actually get addicted to abuse and drama/trauma.... they say getting off of heroin is actually EASIER than getting out of an abusive relationship.

Hell, just with the crap he has put me thru since January, until now (we've been seperated since august when he got busted)...is more than enough and I am so totally pissed off now, it's not even funny. I'm pissed off about alot of things he has done, the ways he has messed with my mind and my heart....one sick example: he called me at least two times saying he is a SINGLE MAN OUT SOWING HIS WILD OATS.... what kind of a guy says that to his new wife? he still has not apologized for it...well, he hasnt apologized for alot of things, if I do get an apology it is usually a lame ass apology that goes something like "I'm sorry if I hurt you" or
"I'm sorry for anything I might have done"  it's never "I'm sorry for calling you a whore and and piece of trash and a piece of $hit the other day, I am sorry for hurting you with my words, can you please forgive me"? no, it's always "Im sorry if I hurt you" or something along those lines.

I guess something that really began to be a real turning point for me was after he went to jail...I went to visit him (last day I ever saw him) in jail...that time I saw him was the NICEST HE HAS EVER BEEN TO ME..he was a totally different person, if he was that way to me 24/7 I would never want to leave his side....!!!!!!! EVER.... I cry thinking about this....

well, of course by the end of that visit he gave me a list with all the things he wanted me to DO for him...I had to start sending him stamped envelopes, money for shampoo, etc, but i found out later he LIED about the shampoo (he tried to tell me he had no shampoo, no nothing, THEY ARE REQUIRED BY LAW to give them a hygiene kit no matter what...but it became evident he was trying to get all the money he could out of me while he was in there..I finally stopped even taking his phone calls. All i was getting was interrogated, anyway. it wasn't about loving or missing me, it was about controlling me.

Seriously, I felt like his personal hostage. Not allowed to talk to other human beings, OH and he TOLD ME I would NEVER be allowed to go to another Rainbow Gathering as long as I lived...I was like WTF?????  (HE KNEW I WAS RAINBOW FAMILY)...but once we were married, oh, I was not ALLOWED TO GO TO ANY MORE GATHERINGS EVER AGAIN...I wonder just how many people groups he hates? it seems most of them....if you ask me.

I'm just so hurt, angry, confused, depressed, sad, anxious, depressed, tired, exhausted, scared (i dont want to be alone).......anyway, it's been a rough year for me,...im temporarily staying with relatives, just finally got my van fixed. (he trashed my truck due to his neglect, I'm lucky it didn't blow up from a gas leak he allowed to continue, while i was driving it down the road gas started leaking on the exhaust pipe, out the doors into the floor boards, all over the place, when he called me from jail I yelled at him about it because I COULD HAVE BEEN BLOWN UP..and he didn't seem to think it was really all that important....makes me wonder...if i even matter. 

Im getting ready to rent a room from some musicians who go to gigs all the time and jam sessions and know lots of other musicians too....and they live in the country and do dog rescue and Im gonna go help them and grow vegetables and hopefully some day i can build a cabin on the land I bought but no way i can be up there alone.

THanks for listening, I needed someone to listen to me....boy it's been rough.

oh AND A HUGE P.S. YES, HE IS A MASTER MANIPULATOR.....I STARTED SEEING THAT FROM JAIL..when he was in there, he would ask for something, Id send it, then two weeks later, ask for it again...come up with a reason...well, i found out later he could have worked for some things there...then he tried to get me to start sending things to his friends in jail? I was like wth? (im on a fixed income) do you think he has ever given me anything? a card on mother's day last year.I paid for it.....he was supposed to make me a necklace from a rock he found...never did. was supposed to help us get ready for WINTER by building things we needed built NEVER DID...the list goes on and on, but he took care of HIMSELF..that he did.  He recently got himself a VAN...told his daughter the van was more important than I am. So there, ya have it. I got nothing for my birthday, which was two weeks before our first anniversary...(nothing for that either) nothing for valentines day, well, you get my point. I feel not too valued unless he wants money or something.

THe entire marriage (if you can even call it that, its a farce is what it is) is so out of balance...he even threatened to shoot me with a rifle last summer because i would not go inside the rv instead of sitting outside (he was being mean, and abusive and he was drunk)...then later when he lost his cellphone , he threatened to beat the hell out of me if i didn't give it back to him (i didnt have it). 

Anyway..the list is endless...he does like to manipulate though. If I had any love for him, it's gone now..he destroyed it. ALl I feel is anger, rage, bitterness, etc. All negative. I feel abandoned, betrayed,...etc.

Jesse.

oh that's scary about the sister who was abused....my husband had told me way back before (after we were married) if I got dreadlocks he was going to shave my hair off. He knew about my love of dreadlocks before he ever married me and he knew i was a hippie...he LIED and said he went to a gathering, but i saw a text message later that he texted someone asking about the Rainbow family and what did they know about it...so he LIED to me about it, I dont know that i believe much of anything he says to me anymore... it all seems fake to me...

he seems fake...he tells me he loves me but his actions have yet to prove it. I dont feel loved, at all, in fact last week he told me he hates me now that I'm dreading my hair. If it wasnt dreadlocks, it would be for the wrong color of shoes, or for a dress i was wearing or for something or other, always something.

its all always been lies and manipulation and the niceness in jail was an act also just a 'im going to get you back" ploy

btw the reason he got so upset over his phone was he didnt want you to know what was in it  who hed been talking to aboutwhat etc

and many of his manipulsations would be so subtle  that  it would take years to recognise them for what they are 

nothing he does doesnt have a manipulative purpose

btw stop saying "my husband' start saying "my biggest mistake'  hes never been a husband only a mistake

i want you to do me a favor

i have a severely injuredshoulder and  am in agony all the time typing  ..being on the pc makes it worse and worse

im working on a site www.exposetheabuse.com  that i started..barely.. months ago but have been in too much pain to finish

every 1 of these narcisists videos needs to be posted there in the resources section

blogs and such u read should be re-written to make em original nand posted there

ill set u up as admin

and finaly...your story should be told..anonomously

i spent several monthshelping 2 amazing women i love dearly escape  from the same narcisist 

they wanted me to share this with you

https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love/114835348601442

they went from being 'the other woman" to  life long  sisters  best freinds in fact  the 1 that was living with him  caught a girl in bed with him  now they are good freinds as well as several other ofhis victims  his "on hold alternates'  they banded together as a team and gave eachother streength

it was amazinglypowerful  and soo beautiful to be a part of

ok sure, I will help you I have been an admin before at various other sites, just not lately.... I enjoy helping others, especially when it comes to social issues.

Just this last week I watched a documentary on "Netflix" called "tricked" about human trafficking here in the USA..it was basically one undercover cop's story of trying to help young girls....it was heartbreaking, actually.... the justice system tends to let the pimps and johns get off, and just go after the girls, some of these girls get kidnapped and forced into prostitution as young as 11 and 12 years old..

But yes, I would love to help.... last year a woman in the town where my land is at, was held hostage by her husband for 3 days and he shot her in the leg...she got away when they went to the store...he took off and there was a 3 day manhunt for the guy, he finally came back, I hope they nail him to the wall, but the problem with the justice system (and ive seen this way too often) is by the time the dude gets to jail/prison, the sentence gets so reduced, it's like being slapped on the wrist for destroying someone's life with abuse...it doesn't fit the crime...I WISH there was a 3 strikes you are out and go to prision for the rest of your life for domestic violence, but what do I know? smh