If you want to avoid the non thought provoking part of this, skip down to the line I made. (This is really long, and not really "dread" related, outside from this journey is what is allowing me to re-attach to my spiritual side. Or at least provoking greater growth I had never fully disconnected. But with every new milestone, every time my soul grows in passion, my life grows twice as much in difficulty. I am aware, evil takes its ugliest form, at the times you become the most positive, as to try and break your spirit and keep you from finding a better path, to make being a loving caring person seem like a negative thing.)
So as I question my future, with the uncertainty if I will be able to keep up with this society, or if I will have to force myself to go to jail, just to have somewhere to rest my head at night. I also like to rant about the currently folkery of the average American person.
I know, no one here gives 2 craps about me, or how I feel about life. But oh well, odds are I won't be alive, or at least I wont have the ability to access the internet here in the up coming months. Only time will tell.
Looking back, there are some people whom I wish I didn't let off easy. People who I wish I would have punished, be it death, or a non fatal bullet wound. Honestly, sometimes I feel like the wrath of god, is the only way to break people out of the way they think today. Like you have to break someone down to the point of begging for mercy in order for them to be humble. (That might sound weird, but having used to retaliate with drive bye shootings etc. Its hard for me to accept the instances where I had grown soft, and let someone get away with robbing me with no retaliation, because I let my emotions get in the way.)
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I wish I was the type of person who could put my own luxuries over other peoples necessities. If I could order Chinese food twice a week, go to the barber shop whenever I wanted to, and still be able to tell my old friends I'm struggling to bad to be able to spend time with you guys, or to help you out when you need it.
I wish I was the type of person, who could replace real friendships, with the average everyday work relationship, and create the illusion for myself that the people around me actually care about me.
I wish I could accept grimey people, as my best friends, while throwing away the people who actually care about me, just because they are who is currently around the most. While over looking their selfishness.
I don't know why I can't be as shallow as the average person, I'd be much happier that way.
Its a cold hard life when you don't live in the fairy tale of your own imagination, and you don't decide how you feel based on what the easy way out is.
Its weird when, you let someone you don't really like get away with something you should have killed them for, out of respect for someone who you do care abouts feelings, yet that situation creates a breaking point in the relationship, where your 'friend' decides, it would be easier to walk over you such as he see's other people do, when they start to view you as a push over, just because out of respect for them you stayed silent on a certain issue.
I'm pretty sure, even white lies won't help anyone when judgement comes. If your unable to be honest and realistic, I'm not sure where you might end up. People need some serious meditation, I fail to see how the human race could have devolved to people who are lacking of love and emotion, who's cellphones mean more to them then friends. Babies quit being an object of effection and love, and become a tool to use as an extension of yourself, who only really cares about showing other people what you got. (Don't get me wrong, Its 100% ok to try to make your kid superfly and show them off. The statement is deeper then that)
These are things that all of us deal with, but only some of us care about and try to change. It saddens me to see the lack of caring and spirituality in people these days, I guess we all could blame the world for causing the disconnect, but how much value does that really hold?
Can you really say "Oh well I went through some bad things!." so its ok for me to not really care about anyone else outside of surface value or what they can bring to the table today.
Even if I don't make it, even if I died tomorrow homeless huddled under a bridge of starvation. I still feel like I am 100 times more of a man then you superficial material people who make $800 a week, and don't really care about anything besides yourself.
Also, I have been on both sides of the fence. I have severed several relationships with people I shouldn't have, just because it was less of a convienence to try to hold on. I have turned my back on or pushed myself away from many people who love me,and would still love me to this day had I not distanced myself.
Can I honestly blame my dads death and emotional spiral in to 'forcing' me to do this, NO. And even if I was going to try to blame that, its not ok to continue on living that way. It was never 'OK' for me to sever ties with family, to avoid family completely so I wouldn't have to think about my life, or my old memories, because you know what. I was still holding on to 'friendships' I was still surrounded by 'friends' who's numbers got suprisingly 'thin' as my pockets became less able to support the group...
I am guilty of all the things listed above, throwing away the people who DO love me, because it was easier to keep around the people who I saw everyday, and pretended to be my friends. I don't want to influence anyone to change, I don't want to pretend to be perfect or exempt from these curses of materialism myself. All I want to do is acknowledge them, and them make the necessary changes to better myself. And you know what, I CAN DO THAT, BECAUSE IM NOT SET ON PRETENDING IM PERFECT AND TRYING TO IMPRESS EVERYONE ELSE. I CAN ACCEPT MY FLAWS, I CAN SHOW THEM TO OTHER PEOPLE, HELL, OTHER PEOPLE CAN TELL ME SOMETHING I AM DOING WRONG WITHOUT ME SAYING "OMG YOU DONT THINK IM PERFECT FUCK YOU!!!"
I know this holds little to no relevance to everyone on this website. And some things I said may be contraversial, especially the ones that touch on how I used to conduct my own life. May make me seem bad or evil myself, but I never really had I'll intentions, ever. I never wanted to be the best, to reach a plateu beyond everyone else...That was never my motivation, even in my darkest times, when I may have been committing 'evil acts'
In those times, I honestly felt like I was sacrificing my own pureness, like I was damning myself to hell if you would, through my actions, in order to put food on the table for other people. I was able to scapegoat myself a reason to do the things I used to do.
And as soon as I quit risking my life needlessly for other people. They all disappeared. Being just 'Me' wasn't good enough for people to want to maintain a relationship with me.
updated by @rude-bwoy: 02/14/15 10:00:25AM