who knows what the future holds. when i first started dreading, i was unaware of the gravity at which my past mistakes and failures would come barreling back into my life to test me. Having relived a previous mistake that i have to deal with for the rest of my life for the last couple months, and to which i am still getting over right now, i find myself looking for a way to get away from it so that it no longer is an option. it is really easy for me to hate myself for my mistakes the first time around but to make them twice it is even that much more worse. no one ever said this was an easy path. did i even learn anything from the first time around? not really i dont think, not when one habbit is replaced by another, so whats the difference.

ive been thinking a lot lately about going back on the road, i used to drive truck for two years, and back then i had ideas about buying land in new mexico and building on it. thats what i have been thinking about doing these last 24 hours as i have been bed ridden, barely able to support my own weight which isnt much these days. but none the less i believe this to be the best option for me. another chapter of my life is about to end and another is about to begin. at least i know where i dont want to end up.

after leaving this open for several hours, i am now going to hit submit. this was just a vague venting session. sorry to bore you