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Anna Raymond

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Me

2010-11-21
By: Anna Raymond
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My first blog entry. I always stray from my original purpose when I blog. lol It's ridiculous.I suppose I should just start out detaling my brand spanking new dreadies. I love them to pieces and they're only two weeks old. I can't imagine the love I'll feel when they're mature, but I've always been a freak about my hair. I love hair to death. In high school my friends obsessed over petting me it was so soft and wonderful. lol I suppose I'm doing this for a couple of reasons.First of all, I want to love myself. I want to see beauty in myself without the hype of hair products and edgy cuts. I have a lot of image problems, it started when I was very young. Many times I've bordered on developing an eating disorder, teetering on the edge. I'm glad that I was able to overcome it, but in the back of my mind I still hear that little voice saying 'You'd look better if you had developed an eating disorder. You would be thin and pretty. You wouldn't do it in excess, just enough to be pretty'. And I know how stupid it is, but I can't seem to get rid of that voice. It stems a lot from my mother. As a young girl she would tell me I was too big for certain clothes, that my hair was straggly and ugly, my face was full of zits, I had a bump in my nose...the list just goes on and on. The thing is that I was a seriously scrawny child. I had a thyroid disorder that kept me underweight and unhealthy that resulted in my entire thyroid having to be removed, along with one of my parathyroids. To this day she denies it...she denies that she was ever less than perfect in anything. I obviously have a lot of issues with my mother. See? I already lost track. lol Anyway, I want dreads because they are natural, they are imperfect and beautiful at the same time and I desperately want that. I want to be beautiful regardless of the fact that I'm imperfect.Secondly, I love the way that mature dreadlocks look. Like many people I didn't originally think they were a natural hairstyle, but after learning about how natural they were I wanted them.Third, I love seeing peopl with long amazing dreads that have obviously been cared for but left to do their own thing, grow the way that they want to grow...it's beautiful. I love my journey so far. I love how my dreads are helping me develop confidence in my natural self, my beautiful self. It scares me and I love it at the same time, that I'm not perfect and that even though I don't always enjoy myself, that I can look in my bathroom mirror when I'm alone, look at my hair and my face and smile a real smile. It's a hard thing for me and I can't believe this is really happening for me.Finally, I just want to treat my body well. I want to stop doing harmful things to myself. I want my dreads to help me express to myself that natural is beautiful and healthy, a physical representation of what I want to be all over. A part of this is intentional self harm. For many years I have suffered from such intense hatred of myself that I scarred my body all over, it's nothing that I'm proud of obviously. I want to stop. I feel like if I can feel good about my physical self it will help me feel good about who I am inside, and help me to develop into the person that I want to be.One day I want a child. I hope to be a mother to a beautiful little girl. I saw her in a dream at a point in my life where I thought I never wanted children. Seeing her cute little face has inspired me ever since to try my hardest to be a better person, a health person that can be a good mother. I never want to hurt my baby the way my mother hurt me.I was actually raised mostly by my grandparents. My mother has made a long list of bad choices--mostly putting herself in highly abusive situations. She got pregnant for me when she was 16 and had me at 17 to a man that was highly abusive, he even raped her, and still she stayed with him and allowed me to be with him. After he finally left her she told me she hated me, that I reminded her of him, how I spoke like him, looked like him, hurt her like him. I was six or seven when she started telling me these things. It was incredibly painful for me to be compared to my mother's rapist, when all I wanted was her love and acceptence. I had a really screwed up childhood whenever she was involved. She jumped in and out of my life and eventually married my father who is actually my step father....well, he used to be, she divorced him. The only man that ever treated her well and she divorced him. I got my little sister out of the deal and to this day that man is the most respectable wonderful father, no one could ask for a better father than him. She's been married a couple times after that, to abusers. Gary killed our cats and when he left her two of their dogs. Kevin is an abusive alcoholic, he's her current man.In response to my mother being such a poor example my grandmother obsessed over loving and protecting me. Becoming extremely overprotective and sheltering me in extreme. I love her dearly and I understand why she made the mistakes she made. She will always be my true mother and my mom hates her for it, she says my grandma stole me away from her. I just wish my mom was nicer to me. it seems like the only time she likes me is when I'm in a slump. My therapist says she likes me unhappy, that it makes her feel better than me.Damn. I really am using this blog as a diary. I guess I always end up doing this.I'm a grown up now though, and am very distanced from my mother emotionally. I try to avoid her as much as possible. I live in a nice apartment with my fiance and soul mate. Our best friend Dan is moving in with us in March and I love having him here. He's visiting right now. =)My fiance's name is Brandon and he's helped me through so many of my problems, and I've helped him in return. Our relationship is very give and take and we've been through a lot together. In the first year we knew each other he was framed for a crime by his brother in law so that his father would have to move in with him and Brandon's sister. See, Brandon's dad has a lot of social security income due to being paraplegic and neither his brother in law nor sister have jobs. He has warrants in many many locations so won't even try to get a job and his sister has no formal education, fresh out of high school. He was eventually sentenced to 5 months in jail. After his brother in law made him confess to the crime (through threat of death, we were 16 and 17 and too scared to go to the police, my mom believed him and became good friends with him adn his wife, causing further problems) he raped me. I didn't remember anything about it until this year, completely blocked it out. I had a lot of depression and anger problems after it happened but never knew why until now. I still can't remember everything, sometimes I can convince myself that it's all in my head and didn't actually happen, sometimes I don't know if it did or not.When my fiance returned to me and moved into my apartment we had a lot of relationship problems, due to our relationship being so young and him being in jail. We grew apart and he cheated on me. At first I didn't think the relationship would make it. I overdosed on prescription anti depressants. I was wrong though. It took a long time to fix our relationship, but after it was like an entirely different relationship. We trusted each other, were devoted and honest. It's been over two years since the cheating and it's honestly been great. I can't believe how happy we are, how good the life we are building is.We are both working very hard on ourselves to be better people. To be people we are proud to be. We've helped each other become better people as well, cheering each other on. We're blossoming into beautiful people that we are both proud to be.Wow...that was a lot of writing. But this is me. I'm screwed up and imperfect but striving to better myself and love myself. I'm happy to be in a place where people can help me see beauty in my natural self. Thanks guys.
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